A post to my page. I have endured this my entire life.
Toxic people like to re-direct the focus – away from their chosen decisions to abuse – to the reaction of the victim.
It’s a form of manipulation, that enables the toxic abuser – to avoid focussing on their actions, to avoid taking accountability or responsibility for their chosen abusive behaviours.
When they re-direct focus to e.g. the victims anger – they can claim the victim is the one in the wrong. The victim is the one with the issues. The victim is the problem.
See how they shift the focus and shame – from themselves – to the victim? It happens a lot. It is very common with toxic people.
They can say things like ‘why are you so angry’ – ‘no one can talk to you when you get like this’, ‘look at you – you’re crazy’.
The focus is shifted – and the focus becomes about the anger/resentment/emotional distress – the victim is feeling.
The anger/ emotions/ distress etc the victim has ‘every right’ to feel…….. because being angry/ emotional/ distressed- at being abused – is a NORMAL and rational response to being treated badly and to being abused.
Toxic people will do anything to take the focus away from having to be responsible for their chosen abusive actions. They don’t have the courage or decency to deal with the truth of what they are and how abusive they are. They will lie, gaslight, project and other forms of manipulation and abuse……… that causes even more harm.
Be aware when the focus is being re-directed – away from the chosen toxic abuse……… to the (normal) reaction to this abuse.
Be aware of this common toxic manipulation.
Also I am adding to this………. be aware of other people who choose to focus on the victims reaction to being abused. People who focus on the reaction as the problem……. are also toxic. I have seen this happen in families, churches, workplaces, therapists rooms.
I am aware that too many therapists – like to focus on the ‘problem’ being how a victim of abuse reacts.
The issue is not about the victims ‘normal’ reaction of anger, hurt, upset etc………… the issue is the abuse the victim is being subjected to.
The issue of abuse is not e.g. 60% the abusers responsibility and 40% the victims reaction to the abuse….
The issue is 100% the responsibility of the abuser and the victim’s reaction is not the issue. Because the victim should not be being abused and abuse is never justifiable or okay, in any way. No matter what the victim is or isn’t doing.
I repeat ‘it is normal to react to abuse with anger, hurt, upset, confusion, feeling betrayed, irritable, emotionally distraught, distress, tearful, mood changes, resentment’ etc. And anyone who claims this reaction is not okay, or tried to suggest these reactions are the issue …… is a toxic persons enabler/flying monkey.
Any time someone is focussing on the ‘victims reaction’ to abuse – as the problem…….. they are being a victim blamer and shame shifter.
This is also toxic abuse. Whether intentional or not.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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