Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


3 Comments

Decided To Start Yoga/Pilates – A Spark Of Hope ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

spark of hope 2

I am not doing okay at the moment. My emotional and physical health, are not good and both are painful. I am exhausted and I’m dragging myself through each day.

Which is okay – I know, because I am dealing with a huge amount of stress and trauma issues, and it’s horrendous.

I wrote in my last blog post, about the unhealthy and healthy coping strategies/behaviours, I have had throughout my life. And even though I have removed some unhealthy ones, I could still do with some more healthy ways to cope.

So, in an attempt to work on this, I am going to see if I can attend the cheap fitness classes, at my local PCYC (Police Citizens Youth Clubs). They offer really cheap classes and have a range of yoga, pilates, Zumba etc classes.

I hope this can be a way forward in my coping and healing.

I’m hoping it can be a way of gaining some physical and emotional strength, which will then help me move towards my goal of training for a job and eventually a job, to gain my financial independence.

I’m so unwell, I know I will have to take it easy, and build it up. Continue reading


2 Comments

Lullabies Expressing Pain & Sadness, A Healthy Way To Cope With A Lifetime Of Trauma

When you have endured so much abuse, trauma and suffering, the profound sadness and aloneness you can feel – is crippling. And you understandably take comfort in ways that help reduce that suffering.

Many of my ways of coping in the past, were unhealthy. Alcohol, men, partying….. were all ways I tried to numb and dull the pain that I pushed down, so so hard. And in the process, I unknowingly prolonged the suffering and worsened my health. But, at that time, it was all I was capable of. And I am at peace with how I coped with such heinous abuse – from birth onwards. I feel no shame as to how I coped.

I no longer drink alcohol the dull the pain. I no longer party, or have sex with men. And I guess this shows healing. But, without those, there are limited ways of dulling and numbing the overwhelming pain and aloneness. And I do understand why people end their lives, when the pain becomes too much to bear. When ways of coping no longer have any affect.

Music has been one of the only healthy ways to cope, I have used my whole life. It still remains as a way of coping.

I relate to songs where pain and sadness are expressed so poignantly. Where suffering is expressed in ways that validate the profoundness of terminal hopelessness and terminal aloneness. In the past, music expressed what I could not. Now, I can express my pain, as per this blog. But, music still comforts me.

I understand how important music can be for many of us.

 

Continue reading


4 Comments

When You Realise Your Husband Completely De-humanised You – For 16 Years ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

sadness-2

I sadly have endured toxic, narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic people – my entire life. And that is not an exaggeration. The toxic abuse began as a child and continues on, including my current life. I have been abused by many toxic, character disturbed people.

My counsellor described recently, how processing the truth about my marriage is the last piece of my trauma history to deal with. And I see how I have systematically processed all the trauma throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my adolescence, my adult life.

I have been with my husband, for the last 16 years. And I did not know who my husband was, for the first 5 years, due to his narcissistic need to have a mask, pretend to be far better a person than he actually was, and all his daily pathological lying. It was only as other people started letting me know about his vile behaviours, I started to realise all the red flags.

Narcissists and psychopaths have false masks, personas, they wear. And they can actually be so delusional – they believe the lies they make up about themselves. They form delusional beliefs about being good people – when in fact there is nothing to support those beliefs, and plenty they have done to disprove their delusional beliefs, that they conveniently ignore, deny or lie about.  And his whole family are delusional and narcissistic, as per conversations about their behaviours, in counselling. It has been clarified they are a delusional, narcissistic and dysfunctional family. They lie, steal, exploit and they have no conscience or shame about it.

My husband groomed, lied, conned and manipulated me into believing he loved me, cared about me and into his delusion of him being a good person.

Now, upon a lot of painful reflection and processing – it is very clear he never loved, cared about me, and was never a good person. In fact, my counsellor stated he does not know how to love anyone. And she has counselled him too. And she has stated he constructed a fantasy of who he is. Which is basically a delusional state, but not insanity.

I realise – my husband treated me like a non human. He de-humanised me. He did not see me as a person with needs, emotions, a terrible past, or someone who deserved love, or someone to find out what I needed, or what my emotional needs were, or how he could help me deal with my past. None of that entered his mind. Ever.

He simply saw me as an object, to use and abuse. To take from and never give back. To stroke his narcissistic ego – but never return any appreciation or gratitude. To never bother to even consider what my emotional needs may be. And all this was whilst knowing I had been heinously abused in the 30 years prior to him.

He has admitted – he never once thought about what my needs were. He never once considered I had a terrible childhood and terrible first marriage and I may need someone to talk to about it. He never once showed any gratitude or appreciation for anything I did, or even acknowledgement for anything I did. It was all expected.

He has admitted he used and abused me. He has admitted he is a narcissist. He has admitted he has sadistic behaviours. He has admitted he has sex issues. He has admitted he sexually exploited me. He has admitted he manipulated, exploited and conned me from day one of knowing him. He has admitted he has emotionally, psychologically, mentally and sexually abused me.

He also admits he did all this knowing that lying, manipulating, grooming, exploiting a woman so heinously abused already, is sick and disgusting.

And the only reason he has admitted all this, is because there is 16 years worth of evidence of it all. And absolutely no proof to discount any of it. He cannot deny it.

There is no evidence of any love, at all.

And plenty of evidence of abuse.

And he admits I never did anything wrong to him, ever. He admits I am a good wife. A caring person. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, compassionate and good. Someone who has never done anything bad to him, at all.

He also admits he feels no remorse, no shame, no conscience, no guilt. And I see how processing the heinous nature of all he has done, is too much for his weak, narcissistic mind and soul to deal with.

I don’t believe he is willing to try and tap into the shame he does need to feel. Because he made all those choices as a grown adult. A grown adult – who did know right from wrong. A grown adult who is not insane. A grown adult he admits he would not like any of this done to him – which proves he knows it is wrong. Yet, he did it all anyway.

And for me, this is all too much to process. I am actually having those out of body experiences, where I am disconnected from my body and looking down on myself as a stranger. And I feel the heartbreak that someone with empathy would feel, for someone who has endured so much abuse, throughout her entire life. And then had someone so callous and so toxic, come along and willingly destroy her more. Continue reading


12 Comments

45 years of abuse and no-one cares.

My entire life has been about enduring toxic people.

Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles.

45 years.

Not one single person who cares about me.

In 45 years.

No-one cares about the impact on me. How it makes me wish I could die. How I would be dead if it weren’t for my children.

I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me.

It always ‘all about the poor toxic people’. It’s always all about what ‘their’ childhood was like.

And how I am somehow responsible for dealing with their issues and how I am meant to help them.

I’ve been made to be responsible for toxic people, since being a child.

And no-one cares about the childhood ‘I’ suffered through.

That doesn’t matter.

‘I’ never matter.

It’s always all about toxic people.

No-one cares at all, how all the abuse has destroyed my entire life.

No-one cares that every person who has abused me, intended to hurt me. I know they all intended to abuse me. But that doesn’t matter to everyone else.

What happened to me, doesn’t matter.

It’s only ever about abusive, toxic, heinous people. Continue reading


18 Comments

Complex PTSD Triggers About Suicide, Are Horrendous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.

It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.

PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.

Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.

Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.

I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.

crying

I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.

I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.

I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it. Continue reading


4 Comments

A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.

This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

helping someone with depression

Continue reading


2 Comments

I am not an ‘expert’ and I cannot give individual advice ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I received an email today, stating that my name features high on internet searches for ‘Complex PTSD expert’. I often receive requests for ‘expert advice’ and this concerns me.

I need to make this really clear…. I am not an expert, I am not a mental health professional, I am not a trauma therapist and I am not trained to give individual advice.

DSC_2707-034

 

I am insightful into complex trauma and complex PTSD. I have extensively researched about these and this research has been with all the trauma experts in the field.

I do have considerable insight into my complex trauma journey and there are many issues and symptoms I face, that many other survivors relate to and my  insight resonates with many.

But, this does not make me an expert, or someone who knows everything about complex trauma. And I never suggest I do know all there is to know.

I make it very clear that journeys cannot be compared, as they are all so different. I have endured many forms of abuse and trauma to a severe level, however, there are areas of trauma I have not personally experienced.

Frankly, anyone calling themselves a complex trauma expert, that is not highly educated and trained within this specialised area of trauma, needs to be avoided.

There are far too many people out there, wrongly and dangerously believing they can offer advice and in fact, there are even many mental health professionals, who are not sufficiently trained and educated in complex trauma.

I do understand many people relate to what I write and share, and with this blog being at over 1.4 million views, I do see the insight I bring to the conversation about Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD – are valuable.

But, I do not want anyone to assume that makes me an expert. The only expertise I have, is in my own journey. Continue reading