Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Thoughts of the peace I desperately need & how to attain that…consume me now.


The reality of my life, both the past and the present, are too horrible for me to bear any longer. I think about death and dying, and the peace it will bring me… every day. It’s the only hope for peace I have. Death. The hope that I will go to heaven. If that exists.

I’m physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally falling apart. My soul has been murdered. Destroyed. My heart has given up.

Today, thoughts about dying went further than normal. I thought about how I would do it. I literally imagined every moment of it. I’m so ready to die. So ready to have this nightmare, hellish life…. over.

I had thoughts of how I would die and the peace it would bring. It was so good. And then I sadly and painfully realised it was just day dreaming. I’m still here. The pain all flooded back, filling me yet again, with terminal aloneness. And terminal hopelessness.

My soul desperately needs some peace. And I know what I need to do, to find that peace. The only way I will find peace. Thoughts of my children, stopped me. But nearly didn’t. I lay down for a while and knew if these thoughts didn’t start to subside, or worsened, I would need to go to hospital. For my children’s sake.

I willed myself, to summon some remnants of strength. To just get to the end of the day.

And so I’m here.


There are only parts of me here now. The parts that have not been completely destroyed by every toxic person and combined, they have collectively murdered my soul.

There are many who write about toxic people murdering your soul. And I truly feel how 45 years of it……….  my soul, my heart, any hope…….. are dead.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario





Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

13 thoughts on “Thoughts of the peace I desperately need & how to attain that…consume me now.


  2. I know it’s a cliche, but I do know what you feel…the pain and hopelessness and dark thoughts accumulating in your mind.
    Just know you are not alone, even if it feels like that…sending you lots of strength and support.

  3. I understand everything you’re saying.
    It is extremely hard.

    I was thinking yesterday about how being a child victim of sexual assault put a target on my back into my adulthood.

    This quote from Alice Little helped…
    “But we need love to survive and if no one else is around to love you just have to take on that job. You have to rescue the unloved child. You just have to. The narcissist does not love people who love themselves. Its the only protection you have against them. The armour of self love.” – by Alice Little

    So I’m going to try and do that.
    I’m trying really hard not to abandon myself.

  4. I don’t know what to say only that I validate how you feel and my heart goes out to you .
    I sadly know the feeling of terminal aloneness and terminal helplessness..
    The only thing left to do is to send you much love… hold on dear Lilly ❤❤❤❤

  5. This too shall pass, Lily. U love your children. Always always bring that to mind, as u do…They need u. They love u.

    We love u too Lily X

  6. Oh I’m very sorry to read this.Pls go to hospital if that’s what’s needed.U sound like you are in a very similar position to I was in, before I made the decision to leave my husband.I’d stayed all those yrs as I thought it was the right thing for my kids,but now one yr later kids & I doing alot better.Still very hard days,but overall alot better.I did go to hospital twice not long before I decided to seperate from husband.The issues with our marriage though different to urs,& I knew that there wasn’t likely going to be any major problems in regards to his access to the kids,as long as I let him come over & spend time with kids & attend kid related stuff.U just gotta do what u feel is right for ur children & u.There are orgainzations who can help,though its hard to ask. Banardos, Brighter futures etc, but short term if u need to go to hospital that’s ok, & the right decision for ur kids, especially if the alternative is something happening to u. My kids kept me safe mostly,but at my worst I thought that the kids would be better off without me. Pls know this is a lie, if u have been thinking this.I can see it clearly now.There’s no shame in asking for help. Just at times takes quite a few trys to find the right people/organizations. Another good organization is Carewest,though not sure if they would be in ur area.

  7. Pingback: The Search for Ultimate Peace | Roll Away My Shame

  8. From this post I can still see that your soul is alive and kicking. You would still rather endure pain than cause pain to others. Still, it sounds like you are warn extremely thin. You don’t want to shatter like I did. Please take steps to protect yourself and your children.

  9. I am sorry you are in such a dark place. Please do go to the hospital if you cannot get out of this awful spiral of thoughts and feelings. I have been here (this abyss of dark thoughts) and know how dreadful it is. I am not sure there is a god, but I send a prayer your way anyway.

  10. Dear Lilly,
    Yesterday I read this post and wanted to encourage you. Didn’t want to be shallow or useless. I eventually wrote something early this morning, but it was too big for a comment. If you’re up for it, I posted it on my own blog. I hope you find some comfort in it.

  11. Thank you to everyone who has left such amazing comments and support. I truly appreciate it. You are all such thoughtful and compassionate people. I hope you extend that same compassion to yourselves.

    Lilly ❤ ❤ ❤

  12. Lilly, since I have known you …there has always been an inner strength which I know is God who is taking care of you and me. I know beyond a shadow of doubt without Him I would have been left to die at the hand of my own bio mother and step father. Many times my two brothers and I were left alone for days and I was 5 and my two brothers were 4 and newborn. God directed my Grandmother to go by my parents house and there she found my brother and I sitting on top of the table eating old dried up food left behind on plates while my baby brother was in his crib alone. My Grandmother asked where Brett, my baby brother, was and I told her he was very cold because he was shaking and I kept covering him up. She ran into the room and my brother was having fever convulsions. She took all three of us to her house and called the doctor and he asked where the children’s mother was and she always answered ..she didn’t know. He told her to meet him with Brett at the hospital right away. Brett, my little baby brother had scarlet fever and if he had been left a couple more hours would have died. Fast forward to now.. that baby brother now has his Doctorate degree and is retired from 20 years of the military and is a Dean of Admissions for a college. ~ It was no other help but God. Period. I am praying to God to help you in ways I cannot do.. I understand the lack of trust.. I have walked that walk but in my deepest of hearts I know He loved and is still caring for my PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety. I’m always here for you no matter what. I do care Lilly. ❤

  13. A feeble voice (mine) rises from the shadows to add, “We hear you, Lilly.” 👂💜

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