The last couple of counselling sessions, have resulted in a lot of validation. It was stated I am far more able to clearly see my trauma history and understand toxic/unhealthy people and their motivations and issues, than at any point in my life. I am far more able to speak up about all I know, understand and express the depth of that understanding.
This has all been validated. Along with being told that I am a very intelligent woman, with a capacity to think things deeply and rationally. To a much deeper level than average. And what people cannot understand – they will reject. So rejection features a lot in my life. It’s always the default for people who don’t understand something, to reject it. Few people ‘get me’. That’s the reality I am enduring.
Also validated, was my understanding of victim shaming, victim blaming, shame shifting in all it’s many forms. Plus, why it happens, the motivations for it, and why it is so wrong. I understand people’s motivations are very often not at all what they delude themselves they are. Rarely do egocentric, selfish, narcissistic, unhealthy, irrational, character disturbed, or delusional people – ever admit their true motivations and issues. They reside within lives of delusions, fantasies, lies and irrational thinking. I understand that very clearly. And how much this occurs throughout humanity.
And I can now verbally express all this, far more easily and with considerable clarity. Which is about my healing/growth.
This includes the depth of my understanding of all the harmful people who have abused me throughout my life. Including my husband. Who it was confirmed, is highly narcissistic, with sociopathic traits. And it was validated he comes from a highly dysfunctional, narcissistic family. It was helpful to have this validation. And that I was duped, manipulated and exploited. I was not in fact looking for an unhealthy or co-dependent relationship. I fell in love with a man who did not exist. I fell in love with a fantasy my husband (and his parents) believe about himself. Who lied from day one. And he continued on with his selfish, manipulative, deceitful and toxic ways, for 16 years. Stealing from me the right I had to find someone genuinely good/ healthy/ decent/ trustworthy, who would be a good husband and good father. Plus, the validation of how I know this man never loved me, never cared about me, and is in fact incapable of love, due to the depths of his fantasy/delusion about himself. And I’m glad my counsellor has done counselling with him, as that is further validation, based on her own therapy with him.
But, all this validation, does not take away my reality, that I am different to most people. Feeling different, is something I have always felt, and continue to feel. And it makes me feel so terribly alone. And that was validated as a very real situation I am in. It is not a ‘complex trauma irrational issue’. It is a very real issue, with very valid reasons why, which are not about anything wrong with me. But in fact, are due to deeper intelligence skills.
The validation of all this, is good. It helps in knowing I am correct in my thinking. But, it doesn’t take the aloneness away. Just because I understand why I am so different to most people, doesn’t make me feel less alone. Or make it less painful. In fact, it makes it worse.
Knowing I have never had a single adult in my entire life – love me, or care about me in any genuine way, is painful. It is a terrible truth I struggle to emotionally cope with. With very good reason. Being loved and cared for, is a basic need for healthy people. I don’t have that. I also don’t have safe relationships. Another basic human need.
These basic human needs, are the foundations of a good, safe, peaceful life. I don’t have that. And I understand deeply how awful life is, without those needs being met. And it is healthy for me to feel terribly sad about this.
Having all this validation in counselling, is better than no-one at all understanding me. So I am thankful for that.
My life is really hard. And it is okay to acknowledge that. And understand, my life is far from normal. All the abuse throughout my 45 years, has never been normal life experiences. It is has been abuse. Trauma. Complex trauma. They are not normal/average life experiences. And it has taught me a great deal, that I have been willing to confront, rather than ignore.
And I am not an average person, as a result.
Which is painful. And lonely. And that does not make me weak to know this. It makes me honest, with the courage to admit the reality of my life.
No matter how painful it is.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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