In my last counselling session, my counsellor explained how I have systematically faced all the trauma, and processed all the truth and heinous nature of it all. She explained, processing about my abusive husband, is the last piece of that journey.
My husband is a pathological and compulsive liar, has a fake persona, is completely delusional as to what kind of person he is, is selfish to the core and does not love anyone. He is also callous and lacks any moral virtue.
I described him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He pretends to be a far better person than he actually is. He pretends to be a nice person (sheep), when in fact, he preys on people to manipulative and use for his very shallow, narcissistic needs (wolf). My counsellor stated this was an accurate description of who he is. And she has insight into him, as she has done several counselling sessions with him.
My counsellor stated, he doesn’t know how to love. He is so consumed within his own narcissistic self, that he does not love. He uses. And abuses. His own needs are all he thinks about.
The wolf in sheep’s clothing, is also appropriate, because he has a cruel streak, which I have always hated about him. He likes to see people hurt, embarrass themselves. Even children. I’ve seen him laugh at his niece, when she fell and hurt her leg and was then limping. His siblings are the same. They are a very narcissistic family.
This week, I overheard a telephone conversation, where he was getting a work colleague into a lot of trouble. He claims she did something wrong, and it could have had implications on him. So, he reported her to the boss. And during this conversation – he was revelling in it. I could hear it in his tone. Interestingly – he had a lot of verbal confidence during this conversation with his boss. He spoke clearly and well. He had a lot of words about this colleague and what she had done.
Yet, whenever I speak to him about all the terrible things ‘he’ has done – he is mute. Completely emotionless. Like a mute, dumb, heartless, empty non human. He has no words to express remorse. No emotions. Absolutely nothing. He feels nothing about any harm he causes others.
The levels of hypocrisy in him feeling so entitled to point at other people’s wrongdoing ……. whilst also conveniently ignoring all his own wrongdoing – is disgusting. Yet, he is absolutely okay with it.
He has a very entitled attitude. He is entitled to do whatever he wants. And no-one should question him, or try to make him accountable. He feels no remorse, and therefore no desire or need to put anything right. He feels no need to apologise. He feels nothing. For his own disgusting, manipulative, devious, selfish, abusive behaviours.
I regret every single day I have been with him. I regret letting him anywhere near me. I regret having children with him. But, I also know I was manipulated, by a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I believed the nice/fake persona he exploited people with. I only now know – the full extent of his personality disordered, character disordered self.
And it sickens me.
It explains all the thousands of lies, all the manipulation, all the deviousness, all the projection, the gas-lighting, the tantrums when he is challenged about his wrong doing. It explains all the affairs, having an affair with his own uncle’s wife, him never considering or thinking about my heinous abuse history. It explains his obsession with sex and lack of self control, impulse control over anything sex related. It validates what I have known for a long time, that sex was his main motivation for exploiting me.
It explains how he can so callously exploit, harm, use and abuse a woman who has already been so deeply harmed and as suffered as much as I have.
And the callous, heartless, empty, soul-less person he is, has absolutely no remorse for anything he has done to me. And because he feels nothing about the things he has done that harm others, he could so easily form a fantasy, delusional belief system of who he is. He had lied to himself for decades, that he is a good person. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, which he conveniently ignores, forgets about and then that part of him, in his twisted mind, does not exist.He is totally okay with everything he has done. Which means he will remain the same and will never change.
He has recently admitted he lies a lot, he exploits people, he uses and abuses people. He has admitted to me and in counselling – he feels no remorse, no conscience, no shame. Which is why my counsellor knows him enough, to know the description of wolf in sheep’s clothing, is accurate.
And despite knowing I was a survivor of heinous abuse, from being a child onwards, this ‘man’ exploited, manipulated and abused me for 16 years. And when I tell him how horrendous that is coming from my severe trauma history is…. he shows no remorse or emotion at all. Just his cold, heartless, callous, empty, non human existence.
I am so thankful my counsellor has seen him and knows what his character and personality are. It validates my own insight into this barely human, callous, empty man.
And my counsellor tends to make a lot of excuses for abusers, minimizes what they do, and the intentionality of their motivations.
So, for her to agree he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, simply validates beyond all doubt, exactly what he is.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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March 12, 2017 at 9:55 pm
March 13, 2017 at 6:06 am
It can be *very* difficult to get people to understand how devastating emotional abuse can be. Few people even understand what invalidation is. You have been living with a person who invalidates your whole being for 16 years. To find a knowledgeable person who understands and validates your perception is a really big deal!
I am so glad you have found this help. I hope you find a good path forward. I hope you find help, peace, and blessings ahead!
March 13, 2017 at 2:19 pm
Lilly, so sorry that you have suffered through all of these abuses. “Wolf in sheep’s clothing” describes many of our spouses. Thanks for sharing your story!!
April 26, 2017 at 6:07 pm
Myself wow I could have written this myself about my own situation. I also find it interesting that your relationship lasted 16 years like mine.
April 26, 2017 at 9:47 pm
Thank you Lilly for once again showing your courage in the midst of your own secret hell. I’m so sorry you have had to endure him for 16 years. So very thankful for a counselor who sees him for what he is. That is rare. I’m glad he can’t fool her. I continue to pray for you. ❤
February 25, 2018 at 7:16 am
You are telling my story. I have only endured it for 4 years. i am on my way out of it. Painful, painful, painful,,,,
April 5, 2018 at 2:02 am
Sorry about all bad things that happened to you. Is there any similarities btw CPTSD and Borderline disorder because i have felt very abused by my x-girlfriend the last 4 years and she claim she suffers from CPTDS but i douhght it. As i understand most of you are very caretaking individuals