Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Very sadly, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has committed suicide. It’s all over Facebook posts and friends of this woman, are understandably devastated.

This woman, is also connected to the toxic Baptist church, I was abused at. And I have no doubt their toxic poison dripped into this woman’s life. Their need to shame people who do not tow the line, or who question them, sadly is negatively affecting every person connected to them, whether they realise it or not. Whether it is a large factor for the reason for her decision to suicide, I don’t know. But, what I do know, is their influence will not have helped. And sadly, her funeral is at that church.

What I noted from all the many comments on Facebook, is how everyone talked about how positive and strong she always appeared to be. And how many people had no clue she was depressed, or suicidal. Even those close to her.

It is very much a society driven toxic issue – that everyone ‘has’ to be ‘positive and strong’ all the time. And if you are not, you are weak.

The tyrannical culture of positivity, is making society weaker and I see that very clearly and is something I have previously blogged about.

People are encouraged and shamed into ‘faking positivity’ – so you meet the unhealthy demands of being constantly positive and happy. And many people demand you are always happy and positive, to make their lives stay happy and so they do not have to deal with your ‘negativity’. Which is very selfish and is not about love or compassion, at all.

Because of my connection to this family, via the toxic church, I did not feel it right to comment about this woman’s suicide and how terribly sad it is.

So, I wrote a post on my own Facebook wall, explaining how the continual shaming society need of not showing any emotions that are considered ‘negative’ – is harming people. And people are not being genuine. People who are struggling and not coping, feel unable to reach out, when they are at their worst. They feel shame to admit they are feeling the opposite of positive/happy.

To admit you are feeling hopeless, are suffering terrible emotional pain, and are desperately unhappy……. is not easy. And when shamed into believing this makes you weak……. stops those who need support the most, from reaching out to anyone.

I am a promoter of having real and genuine emotions, and not faking it. This isn’t received well by most people I know, because they fail to see the bigger picture and the reasons why it is unhealthy to suppress anger, depression etc. Why shaming people about ‘having to be positive’, makes desperate people, feel even more alone and more hopeless.

I feel so sad this woman did not appear to have anyone she could reach out to, in her darkest time. I know that place and how terrible it is. I know how it feels to think you have no other choice, but to end your life. When the pain is so unbearable. When there is no hope and you feel terminally alone and cannot get yourself out of that place of terminal hopelessness. And when you have no-one to reach out to.

And because I know this dark and painful place, I know to have empathy for people who are suicidal. I don’t tell them to ‘just think happy thoughts’, or suggest they ‘count their blessings’. Or, all the other highly insensitive ‘advice’ given by people – who make people feel worse.

I wonder if this woman had anyone in her life, like me, who she could be real with. Be totally herself with…. at her worst. And not feel like she had to ‘pretend’ to feel stronger or more positive.

I wonder if she had someone like me, who ‘gets it’ and knows to just let someone talk and be their true selves, whether good, bad or ugly.

helping someone with depression

I wonder if she has anyone in her life, with empathy and real compassion.

This terrible tragedy, has affected me to the point whether I dreamt about it last night. I’m aware of the triggers and how my compassion for those in so much emotional pain, means these situations affect me to a greater degree, than maybe they would for many other people.

My empathy means I think about her children, her husband, and how terribly painful their grieving no doubt is. I think about the younger children, who are now in this terrible trauma of losing their mum. And how so terribly sad it is. It’s made me cry several times. I’m crying now as I write this.

There is nothing I can do, except pray for her family and friends. Pray for protection during her funeral – whilst she is surrounded by toxicity at that church.

And to write about how the glorification and tyrannical culture of positivity, must stop.

Because it is killing people.


(For an article that explains more about the insight I understand – in forcing positivity, as opposed to expressing empathy……..see here… @ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/positive-thinking-emotional-support-0304135 )

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “A mother’s suicide & why we need to stop the glorification & tyrannical culture of positivity ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Thank you for this post.
    Just heartbreaking.
    I join you in prayer for this woman and her family.

    Pete Walker’s book
    “The Tao of Fully Feeling”
    talks about this issue in great detail and has helped me tremendously.

    Thank you for advocating for heathy Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

  2. Lilly what an excellent post and your keep it real thinking is a hard truth for others to accept.You are so right today when you are sad,angry,frustrated or see no hope it is like you are a social pariah. People are so utterly self absorbed that they can only give you so much like a very light level of caring or compassion.
    I myself to be perfectly honest am walking disaster of a man, No I have no substance issues, just about NO good luck or fortune,shaky health at best ,unknown health aliments, no steady job,no steady income,no friends but lots of fake acquaintances who don;t really care,nobody phones me. I live back home with parents and see little hope for my future other than the street calling me within the next 5 years.

    Again no-one wants to know about even one of my problems and all I cam called is negative,
    Thank you for your great blog,
    Blessings to you Lilly!

    • Things really suck for you right now! I wouldn’t blame you for being negative or irritable. You might even feel like doctors look at you like you are crazy so where can you find support in life? You get to the point that you feel like you don’t want to talk to anyone because you either have to fake it or feel bad that they feel bad because of you. It’s a rock in a hard place. Sometimes I just stop caring if I make other people uncomfortable because dammit I am more uncomfortable than they are! 🙂 And maybe just maybe over time they will believe me that things are as shitty as they are lol

  3. This is insight that everyone needs. I was raised to be positive all of the time – I do cry at the drop of a hat when I see other people suffering but it is very hard for me to cry for myself at all. My husband knows despair very well and has worked with me for 5 years to try and get me more in touch with my emotions but even still I feel worse after I cry than before I did. I share all of this to say that some people, like me, find it easier to think positive and “snap” out of it. If it weren’t for my exposure to depression I would be that insensitive person that thinks that everyone can “snap out of it” like me. I hate to say it but educating people seems to be the necessary course of action since most of us assume that we know what is wrong and how to fix it. We are not insensitive people perse just uneducated in certain ways. I have found that almost all people given the right information want to express empathy and I hope that people like you continue to shine a light for the people like me.