Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Complex PTSD Triggers About Suicide, Are Horrendous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

18 Comments

As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.

It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.

PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.

Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.

Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.

I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.

crying

I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.

I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.

I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it.

And when you have suffered as much as I have in my life, I know it is understandable that suicidal thoughts, attempts and ideation have featured in my life. When the pain is unbearable, you understandably want it to end.

I have always dealt with the suicide ideation and attempts – on my own. And I realise I will continue to deal with it alone.

I cannot go to the hospital, because I do not want a record of my state of mind, due to potential future issues with custody of my children. Should my marriage end. I’m aware my suicidal state could be used against me, to make me appear an unfit mother. My counsellor said it couldn’t be used against me. But, I don’t believe her. I think she told me that, to make sure I would go to the hospital if considering suicide. I realise her duty of care – is to tell me to go to the hospital if suicidal. Regardless of the consequences later on. If I survive.

I tell others to reach out if unsafe. And I will continue to advise that. But, the reality is, some of us do not have anyone to reach out to.

And I also realise, those of us who do not have anyone to reach out to, are more at risk of completing suicide. Which is terrible.

Even before I heard about this woman’s suicide, I was thinking about suicide. As per my blogging. Now, with the triggers and feeling the emotions of how this woman probably felt, and the pain she was enduring, I feel worse.

I fucking hate PTSD.

I fucking hate abusers and the life impacting devastation they cause.

I fucking hate my mother right now. She is the cause of all this. If she had been a decent mother, none of this abuse throughout my life would have occurred.

And I wouldn’t be dealing with this now.

I think right now, it is probably better if I feel this anger. Because, if I feel shame instead, it could be far worse.

And I only have myself to get me through this.

It’s how it’s always been.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

18 thoughts on “Complex PTSD Triggers About Suicide, Are Horrendous ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. I know a little of what you feel. The very best advice I can give you is to stop therapy. 5 years is nothing but job security for a therapists. Its ridiculous. Keeping you sick and keeping the memories fresh ( not helping you up and over) is for the benefit of the provider. Meantime you have been indoctrinated that you must live with this forever and this us as good as it gets. What you need is a professional who can coach you up and through the phase the therapist has you locked in on. Thats straight up immoral and should be illegal. Never in 22 years in mental health have I heard of such a crazy drawn out cash cow for a therapist. I know a few people who help people get through these issues and refocused in months. Not years. My email is tjpetri16@gmail.com if you want more info. Either way what I’m telling you is absolute truth. Ive lived it. I have worked it too.

  2. OMG I could have written this. Please be kind to yourself and reach out to strangers that care. I too have no-one who gives a shit but I keep strong for my children. Your honesty has kept me going. I care. Please let your counselor know you felt dismissed but above all please choose to live for me and all the others you impact. Initially I thought about the lack of control if I didn’t succeed and than acknowledging it is always a option for me but I’m putting it of to raise my kids because nobody cares about me or them and that hurts and whilst I’m still around they will always have somebody that cares for and supports them

  3. Lilly, have you ever considered neurofeedback? I’ve had 10 sessions and found it to make a significant difference in my CPTSD. No more intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, hyperarousal, anxiety, depression. I, too, have been suicidal all of my life (I’m 64). Now, that desire is gone. I have hope, calmness and peace and the desire to go on living because life is no longer one continuous threat.
    Your blog and facebook posts have helped me so much. I wish you all the happiness and peace that you deserve and never had. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all you do for others.

  4. I don’t have anything clever to say but I just wanted to say something, anything to say I care….I’m sorry that you are suffering, I’m sorry you’re having to reexperience everything over and over because of PTSD. I’m sorry your counsellor’s let you down. It’s cruel and horrible and sounds unbearable. I’m so so sorry.

    xxxxx

  5. I relate to everything in this post.

    Just this morning I was thinking the exact same thing you wrote ……
    “I fucking hate my mother right now. She is the cause of all this. If she had been a decent mother, none of this abuse throughout my life would have occurred.”

    It’s so true. My life would have been radically different and better.

    It is made horrendously more painful by the fact that what she did was intentional and deliberate and cruel.

  6. You aren’t alone, you have us.

    Are there any abuse survivors support groups in your area?

    I’d write more but ME/CFS is making me too tired.

  7. I appreciate blogs like this, can’t wait to investigate more. Thank you. For those of you who need genuine comfort, please visit JW.org. it is free, easy to navigate and comforting. I don’t think I would be alive if I didn’t have access to this information….

  8. I am so grateful I have found your blog because I see myself so much in what you write and struggle with, and it makes me feel less alone.
    Thank you for writing honest posts about the everyday battle with PTSD.

    ❤ 🙂

  9. I hear you.I’ve been told to that seeking help for mental health issues cant be used against me.I’ve taken the risk & got help as the alternative wasn’t good for my children either.I to suffer suicidal thoughts far more than I let on.I rarely tell as professionals seem to switch off after awhile or people react in a way that does more harm than good.For me right now going to hospital when I feel this way isnt an option.As a single mum I don’t know what would happen to my children.I stuggle on & do the best I can.I reach out only when things become unbearable.Even then some of the time it seems like I get slapped in the face.

  10. Thank you to all who commented here ❤

    For those struggling with the same or similar issues, please know I write these blogs so others know they are not completely alone. There is someone who understands.

    Just knowing someone else 'gets it', provides some comfort.

    I truly wish no-one was enduring this. None of us ever deserved any of it.

    Much love, Lilly ❤

  11. Lily, This is my first visit to your site. I don’t have any words that,will ease your pain. if there were a way I could take all pain away from everyone, I would.

    I’m 54, and although I have knoe my entire life that I was not raised by a living mother, two days ago was the first time I ever said what you said about yours and I said it almoat,word for word.

    “I fucking hate my mother right now. She is the cause of all this. If she had been a decent mother, none of this abuse throughout my life would have occurred.”

    I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life on burying this bullshit, and now that “it’s out of the closet”, I feel like I’m more fucked up then ever.

    I didn’t aspire to much for my life (although I have done amazingly well), I just wanted to give love and be loved. but it constantly elludes me. and I don’t trust myself … I met the worst of narcissistic guys ever this go around. And if i meet a nice guy, I end up hurting them… does anyone the recover? I’m tired, so tired.

  12. Hello, I am very sorry to hear this is happening and persistant in your life. I too struggle with severe ptsd and all the horrible torment that comes with it. I really don’t have anyone to reach out to but have tried on my occasions and just end up regretting it. I often have to deal with this horrendous pain and thoughts alone and can understand how wanting to end things can seem like the only way out. I have tried to express my feelings to family and friends concerning my severe ptsd but I often feel that the living can’t understand the dead.

  13. I’m so sorry you’re struggling especially hard. You do so much good here. It is so unjust that the people who cause the most harm are rarely if ever suicidal, while the people like yourself are.

  14. It’s as though you pulled these words from my life and my mind… every single word. I’m sorry for your struggle. I truly get it. It’s like living in hell on earth with no genuine means of escape, not even momentary escape…

    I noticed your copyright statement. I had wanted to reblog this, but per your statement, it seems you don’t want your articles reblogged either?

    • I am happy for the blog posts to be re-blogged. What I am not okay with, is people copying parts or all of the post and then claiming they wrote it, which sadly has happened several times.
      But, re-blogging is fine and that’s why the re-blog button is there 🙂

      Lilly Hope Lucario

  15. Endure, endure, day in and day out….. That’s what we people who have had their nascent souls fed with toxic psychological energies have to do… Only if. . Only if. .. Feelings permeate our psyches… Reach out to others. That’s a way.

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