As per my last blog, a mother at the school my youngest son attends, has ended her life a few days ago. It is all so terribly sad. People are heartbroken and devastated. This woman appeared to always be so positive and strong. Yet, clearly few people, if any, knew how she really was feeling inside.
It is so sad she had no-one to reach out to. And I know how that feels. It’s been an issue throughout my entire life, from being a teenager onwards.
PTSD is really horrible to endure, as triggers can come up at any time. You cannot avoid them all.
Triggers about suicide, are horrendous. Especially when you are someone who has survived suicide attempts and you suffer suicide ideation. Which is also a symptom of severe PTSD and Complex PTSD.
Since hearing about this suicide, I have had ongoing intrusive memories, emotional flashbacks, and I dreamt about suicide last night. Purely because of PTSD. So even though this suicide is not someone I personally knew, my PTSD brain is in overdrive.
I’m having intrusive, unwanted memories of my suicide attempts as a teenager. Along with all the severe emotions I was feeling at that time. The fear, the total aloneness, the hopelessness. The need to end the pain. End the suffering.
I still want to end the pain that never leaves me. I still want to end the terminal aloneness I still feel. I still want to stop all the memories, of all the abuse. Particularly all the horrendous abuse I endured in the first 20 years of my life. I want to end the issues in my current marriage.
I told my counsellor last week, I am still dealing with suicide ideation. I told her I think about it daily. She didn’t seem concerned. I think she’s bored of hearing about now, after 5 years. It took a lot of courage to tell her this was still an issue. But, the lack of reaction or concern, means I doubt I will talk about it again. I’ll avoid it. It’s too hard to deal with the reaction.
I truly wish I could switch off these severe Complex PTSD symptoms. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. But, my reality is – I can’t switch it off, or erase it.
And when you have suffered as much as I have in my life, I know it is understandable that suicidal thoughts, attempts and ideation have featured in my life. When the pain is unbearable, you understandably want it to end.
I have always dealt with the suicide ideation and attempts – on my own. And I realise I will continue to deal with it alone.
I cannot go to the hospital, because I do not want a record of my state of mind, due to potential future issues with custody of my children. Should my marriage end. I’m aware my suicidal state could be used against me, to make me appear an unfit mother. My counsellor said it couldn’t be used against me. But, I don’t believe her. I think she told me that, to make sure I would go to the hospital if considering suicide. I realise her duty of care – is to tell me to go to the hospital if suicidal. Regardless of the consequences later on. If I survive.
I tell others to reach out if unsafe. And I will continue to advise that. But, the reality is, some of us do not have anyone to reach out to.
And I also realise, those of us who do not have anyone to reach out to, are more at risk of completing suicide. Which is terrible.
Even before I heard about this woman’s suicide, I was thinking about suicide. As per my blogging. Now, with the triggers and feeling the emotions of how this woman probably felt, and the pain she was enduring, I feel worse.
I fucking hate PTSD.
I fucking hate abusers and the life impacting devastation they cause.
I fucking hate my mother right now. She is the cause of all this. If she had been a decent mother, none of this abuse throughout my life would have occurred.
And I wouldn’t be dealing with this now.
I think right now, it is probably better if I feel this anger. Because, if I feel shame instead, it could be far worse.
And I only have myself to get me through this.
It’s how it’s always been.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.