My entire life has been about enduring toxic people.
Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles.
45 years.
Not one single person who cares about me.
In 45 years.
No-one cares about the impact on me. How it makes me wish I could die. How I would be dead if it weren’t for my children.
I have no-one physically in my life who cares about me.
It always ‘all about the poor toxic people’. It’s always all about what ‘their’ childhood was like.
And how I am somehow responsible for dealing with their issues and how I am meant to help them.
I’ve been made to be responsible for toxic people, since being a child.
And no-one cares about the childhood ‘I’ suffered through.
That doesn’t matter.
‘I’ never matter.
It’s always all about toxic people.
No-one cares at all, how all the abuse has destroyed my entire life.
No-one cares that every person who has abused me, intended to hurt me. I know they all intended to abuse me. But that doesn’t matter to everyone else.
What happened to me, doesn’t matter.
It’s only ever about abusive, toxic, heinous people.
45 years of abuse.
And no-one cares.
I am completely alone.
Not a single soul who loves me.
Not a single soul who cares about what I have endured.
45 years.
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
March 24, 2017 at 2:07 am
Wrote a similar story this morning —->Reality of a Living nightmare
My nightmare has come true and yes I’m freaking out. But of course I’m such a perfectionist and actress no one even can tell or they do but don’t care enough to even mention anything to deep because they do not have the answers. How does a sick person look? Tell me so I can dress that part because clearly the way I go out each day I look perfectly fine.
Yes, I know mental illnesses aren’t to be talked about. At least that’s what the world believes.
Ever since I’ve been a child I used to fear what if something happens to me?? Will I have someone to take my hand and stay with me and safeguard me? I have done that For so many others. Months and months of visiting hospitals and making sure all is well on a daily basis. Fleeing out at midnight running to the sick person. Taking calls in the night and calming the sick person down.
Signing documents and taking them to appointments when I should be home with my young child or at work filling my empty wallet. What shall happen if I end up in a hospital and needed a doctor to know my wishes? There is no one who even knows those answers yet alone can remember my date of birth.
So many toxic people around me that I want to still help but I can’t even help myself and now I know why I can’t find any help. The toxicity has hit an all-time High. The ones who want to help cannot. They are far far away and a phone call is the closest thing between us.
Fuck. It really came true. Standing here bleeding out my veins invisibly every single painstakingly day while I smile and just try to be the best mommy to this little human being who looks up to me. Me, The one losing her mind everyday. What the fuck? Where is my help that I need, not the help they think I need. They think I need medication and won’t survive without it. I need love. Where is the love? When do I matter? Whatever. I’ve never mattered anyway. This is just the reality of my life. Their needs will always come before me. Oh yeah and clearly medication is my only hope. Great. 30 years of this thus far and I’m not sure how much longer my heart can endure.
Reality of a living nightmare.
March 29, 2017 at 12:39 pm
Please know, I feel and understand your pain. I understand how it is to feel so alone, so lost in hopelessness and feel so unloved.
It’s painful and I validate that.
I also understand how it feels to be the person who is always helping others, but sometimes feels like no-one is helping us. How we care for others, yet no-one cares for us.
It’s terrible and very lonely.
I travel a similar road and I hope that in being understood, there is some level of hope.
Much love, Lilly ❤ ❤
March 24, 2017 at 1:39 pm
Lilly,
I am so sorry that you haven’t had anyone who cares for you. That makes me sad & furious. I don’t want to sound corny by telling you I care. I think & pray for you all the time. You are so lovely, wise, kind & you touch so many of us who have been wounded. Love, Gail
March 24, 2017 at 2:15 pm
Hi Lilly,
I care. This piece is heartbreaking. It must be very tough, living this kind of life without even one fysical friend. I will pray for you. God bless!
March 25, 2017 at 12:30 am
We, your readers, care. ❤
March 25, 2017 at 8:14 pm
I wish I had the words to convey to you how much I relate to you. It’s extremely rewarding and waaaay past due to finally meet another person whose story fits so closely into mine. Wow, thanks!! I thought my 32 years living in a heinous hell was long…not compared to your 45! Thank you for this blessing you have given me! Don’t ever stop telling your story!
March 26, 2017 at 8:57 pm
I care about you and the work you are doing.
March 27, 2017 at 8:47 pm
I understand. I care. I know exactly from where you come. Let those toxic people that continually get the breaks in life EVEN NOW get what they deserve. Oh, it may not be in this life. But they WILL get what they deserve. You and I cannot make them suffer the way we have. Yet, in the end I firmly believe they will suffer for all they have done to you. Their life is filled with how they can make themselves look good without regard to anyone they walk all over. Who cares about them? I care about you Lilly. Lilly the one that has endured such heartache and pain. “Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.” Many times I’ve had to cling to that verse. God made you with such a kind and beautiful heart, Lilly. Without you many of us would walk alone through this maze called life. You are WORTHY. You are SPECIAL. And most of all you are LOVED.
March 28, 2017 at 11:27 pm
Shannon, I agree 100% with every word of your comment!!
Thank you for writing it because it helped me a great deal personally and I hope it helps Lilly know how much she means to us!
March 29, 2017 at 1:43 pm
I’m glad it helped you. And I hope it helped Lilly also know in her heart how much she means to all of us.
March 28, 2017 at 7:02 am
It is sad that you feel this way. A lot of people care about you.
March 29, 2017 at 12:33 pm
Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate every single person who comments, shows such kindness and support.
I am reminded when lovely, thoughtful people comment here, that there are good, compassionate people in this world.
Thank you, to you all.
Lilly ❤ ❤