I sadly have endured toxic, narcissistic/sociopathic/psychopathic people – my entire life. And that is not an exaggeration. The toxic abuse began as a child and continues on, including my current life. I have been abused by many toxic, character disturbed people.
My counsellor described recently, how processing the truth about my marriage is the last piece of my trauma history to deal with. And I see how I have systematically processed all the trauma throughout my childhood, my teenage years, my adolescence, my adult life.
I have been with my husband, for the last 16 years. And I did not know who my husband was, for the first 5 years, due to his narcissistic need to have a mask, pretend to be far better a person than he actually was, and all his daily pathological lying. It was only as other people started letting me know about his vile behaviours, I started to realise all the red flags.
Narcissists and psychopaths have false masks, personas, they wear. And they can actually be so delusional – they believe the lies they make up about themselves. They form delusional beliefs about being good people – when in fact there is nothing to support those beliefs, and plenty they have done to disprove their delusional beliefs, that they conveniently ignore, deny or lie about. And his whole family are delusional and narcissistic, as per conversations about their behaviours, in counselling. It has been clarified they are a delusional, narcissistic and dysfunctional family. They lie, steal, exploit and they have no conscience or shame about it.
My husband groomed, lied, conned and manipulated me into believing he loved me, cared about me and into his delusion of him being a good person.
Now, upon a lot of painful reflection and processing – it is very clear he never loved, cared about me, and was never a good person. In fact, my counsellor stated he does not know how to love anyone. And she has counselled him too. And she has stated he constructed a fantasy of who he is. Which is basically a delusional state, but not insanity.
I realise – my husband treated me like a non human. He de-humanised me. He did not see me as a person with needs, emotions, a terrible past, or someone who deserved love, or someone to find out what I needed, or what my emotional needs were, or how he could help me deal with my past. None of that entered his mind. Ever.
He simply saw me as an object, to use and abuse. To take from and never give back. To stroke his narcissistic ego – but never return any appreciation or gratitude. To never bother to even consider what my emotional needs may be. And all this was whilst knowing I had been heinously abused in the 30 years prior to him.
He has admitted – he never once thought about what my needs were. He never once considered I had a terrible childhood and terrible first marriage and I may need someone to talk to about it. He never once showed any gratitude or appreciation for anything I did, or even acknowledgement for anything I did. It was all expected.
He has admitted he used and abused me. He has admitted he is a narcissist. He has admitted he has sadistic behaviours. He has admitted he has sex issues. He has admitted he sexually exploited me. He has admitted he manipulated, exploited and conned me from day one of knowing him. He has admitted he has emotionally, psychologically, mentally and sexually abused me.
He also admits he did all this knowing that lying, manipulating, grooming, exploiting a woman so heinously abused already, is sick and disgusting.
And the only reason he has admitted all this, is because there is 16 years worth of evidence of it all. And absolutely no proof to discount any of it. He cannot deny it.
There is no evidence of any love, at all.
And plenty of evidence of abuse.
And he admits I never did anything wrong to him, ever. He admits I am a good wife. A caring person. Someone who is honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate, compassionate and good. Someone who has never done anything bad to him, at all.
He also admits he feels no remorse, no shame, no conscience, no guilt. And I see how processing the heinous nature of all he has done, is too much for his weak, narcissistic mind and soul to deal with.
I don’t believe he is willing to try and tap into the shame he does need to feel. Because he made all those choices as a grown adult. A grown adult – who did know right from wrong. A grown adult who is not insane. A grown adult he admits he would not like any of this done to him – which proves he knows it is wrong. Yet, he did it all anyway.
And for me, this is all too much to process. I am actually having those out of body experiences, where I am disconnected from my body and looking down on myself as a stranger. And I feel the heartbreak that someone with empathy would feel, for someone who has endured so much abuse, throughout her entire life. And then had someone so callous and so toxic, come along and willingly destroy her more.
I think my capacity to disconnect from myself, is a finely tuned way of coping with overwhelming trauma. I know I have had this capacity since being a child. Which I know is common with child sexual abuse victims. No-one is supposed to endure trauma. So when enduring horrific trauma, dissociation becomes a way the brain copes with terrible abuse.
And I realise, my entire life of toxic, disgusting, heinous people, is really heartbreaking.
And I do also know, the overwhelming reality, and the terrible and catastrophic significance of all this abuse, pushes me so close to a complete breakdown. Or worse – suicide.
I’m in survival mode.
I’m doing very little, watching TV – as my ‘freeze’ traumatology coping strategy. It’s how I cope with too much emotional pain.
I’m using any strength left in me, for my children. I’m using any focus I can muster, for them.
I told my counsellor, I feel like my soul is dying. My soul has been dying from being a child onwards, through all the heinous, callous abuse I have been forced to suffer and endure. My soul has been slowly murdered – along the 45 years of callous and heinous abuse I have suffered.
I’m not in a good place and I am hanging on to life and surviving, by my finger nails.
In some distant, foggy awareness, I do know much courage it takes, to endure all this and be here at all.
And also in that fogginess, is an awareness I never deserved a single second of any of this abuse.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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