When you have endured so much abuse, trauma and suffering, the profound sadness and aloneness you can feel – is crippling. And you understandably take comfort in ways that help reduce that suffering.
Many of my ways of coping in the past, were unhealthy. Alcohol, men, partying….. were all ways I tried to numb and dull the pain that I pushed down, so so hard. And in the process, I unknowingly prolonged the suffering and worsened my health. But, at that time, it was all I was capable of. And I am at peace with how I coped with such heinous abuse – from birth onwards. I feel no shame as to how I coped.
I no longer drink alcohol the dull the pain. I no longer party, or have sex with men. And I guess this shows healing. But, without those, there are limited ways of dulling and numbing the overwhelming pain and aloneness. And I do understand why people end their lives, when the pain becomes too much to bear. When ways of coping no longer have any affect.
Music has been one of the only healthy ways to cope, I have used my whole life. It still remains as a way of coping.
I relate to songs where pain and sadness are expressed so poignantly. Where suffering is expressed in ways that validate the profoundness of terminal hopelessness and terminal aloneness. In the past, music expressed what I could not. Now, I can express my pain, as per this blog. But, music still comforts me.
I understand how important music can be for many of us.
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