Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I Give Up

11 Comments

For the last 5 years, I have been trying to stand up for myself, to explain how all the abuse I have endured throughout my entire life, has harmed me. And tried to stand up for my needs, implement boundaries and not allow people to walk all over me and harm me.

All this has brought me is more grief. More abuse. More harm.

So, I give up.

i give up

I’m just going to tell people what they want to hear and let them do whatever they want.

Just disconnect emotionally and get through the day as calm and detached as I can.

It’s the only way I can keep surviving, when I have no genuine support and no-one who cares about my wellbeing. All I have are people who victim blame/shame, tell me I am not good enough and everything I do is not good enough. And somehow always bring the issues about me being abused – back to somehow being my responsibility and shamed for my normal human responses to abuse.

I’ve been pushed too far now and I am too exhausted to do anything else, but give up.

The only way to cope with my life, is to just check out emotionally.

When you feel nothing, you can’t be hurt.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

11 thoughts on “I Give Up

  1. Hi Lilly,
    I think that your giving up in this way is the right thing to do b/c when & if a survivor is trying to get anyone to understand & it only causes more grief, then it’s time to stop. But that doesn’t mean you check out. I can tell you that I saved myself a lot of grief by keeping a lot to myself rather than hearing people’s comments that would have been without understanding or hearing stupid questions or insensitive remarks, etc. If anyone brings up the past & the abuse, give them your firm answer about not discussing it anymore…don’t get pulled into a trap, perhaps thinking that just maybe your comments will get thru. Save yourself misery & in that way you will really be able to move on. On another note, I also had to come to a place of discontinuing my digging into the past before I was able to move on.

  2. Hi Lilly,
    Sending the kindness and love of a stranger. If you’ll accept. For me I’m in two minds, the strangers love gives me hope but it also further highlights to me to mourning that which I cannot have, the acceptance, love, positive regard, respect and kindness from those I hoped would have gifted it to me especially family. I hope and pray this comment evokes appreciation and acceptance of all of you.
    Namaste
    Lidija xx

  3. Oh I’m sorry to read this, but I know where your coming from. A lot of the time it feels a lot safer to disconnect. I do it as well when I’m stressed and feeling unwell. The mask is safer. You help me by being so honest. You put in words a lot of the time how I feel. I’m learning to be a lot more selective in who I open up to, because yes its true that most people will do more harm then good. Not all though. There are a few rare people who I’ve found who have good intentions & have helped on the parth to better mental health. Some in suprising places & those who are in a position to help & are the ones you think you can trust, are at times the ones who do the most harm. I know when l’m feeling like this I know I’m becoming unwell. I try to have a honset look at what lead up to this & what I can do to change it. One of my biggest ones is as I said not disclosing stuff to people unless I’m fairly confident they are supportive people. I have gotten it badly wrong at times though which makes me pretty cautious now. I try to do small things like have a shower, read a good book, admire nature, mindfulness, & make plans to see a movie or something. I do find when I’m really low it can help to go out for something, even if its the last thing I feel like doing at the time.Yep sometimes it takes wks or longer for me to take my own advice.

  4. do not throw your pearls to swine

  5. While reading this, I would like to give you a really big hug (if you like that as well).

  6. I find it difficult to put into words, what I want to say to you. But I understand. Too much really.
    Those who victim blame/shame…. those who refuse to believe ones horror stories…..”It couldn’t have been that bad!” The ones who blithely state “That was years ago – surely your past that now?”
    I gave up on all of those years ago. Family. Friends. Therapists. Their disbelief , their belittlement of my pain, their rejection. Just. Too. Painful. Period.
    But you. Your site. Your words and resources.
    With you and all the others here – I have found a free-space. A room where I can be ALL of me. With my scars, my fears, my hope and my healing.

    The others – you cannot change them or educate them, or get any help at all. I know – people call me very cynical. I call it self preservation.
    But all of us here. You can help us. You do help us. You have helped me.
    And I will listen and support you any way I can.

    And Debbie Irons: I agree with you wholeheartedly.

  7. But your emotions will not be denied. You will have to deal with them…. Some time

  8. I am so, so sorry to read this. AND I respect whatever you decision you make, short- or long-term. AND I am going to “argue” with you on just one thing: I DO care about your well-being, and I bet I am not the only one.

  9. I’ve done a similar thing and I too have no one in my life to talk to about my abuse and C-PTSD.

    I’ve stopped trying to explain to ignorant people. I tell them what they want to hear as a way of protecting myself. And then laugh at them to myself because they are cowards making fools of themselves.

    I focus instead on being my own best friend and giving myself compassion and telling myself how proud I am of myself because I do get it and many other people don’t.

    I focus on tuning them out and listen only to Lilly on this blog and the people who comment here.

    Yes it is lonely and it hurts, but it’s also a relief and a freedom to be detached from people who don’t get it.

  10. But you haven’t ‘given up’ , that’s just language. Really you’ve stayed with your truth , the whole truth of who you ever are .. and for that you are beautiful. 🙂

  11. Thank you everyone.
    I am always amazed by people’s kindness and compassion whenever I am not doing well.
    I truly appreciate each one of you ❤ ❤
    I am overwhelmed, and exhausted. I shut down when it gets to this point.
    I guess my survival mode, is very skilled and knows when to kick in.
    And this is why I never judge others when they are struggling.
    This complex trauma journey is so hard.
    Especially if you have little support and ongoing issues in your life.
    I need to hold onto the same self compassion I always want others to feel.
    Lilly ❤

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