I had a message from my ex husband’s daughter today, to say my ex husband died. He was only in his early 50’s. His daughter is understandably in shock. His mother is devastated to lose her only son. Only 3 years after losing her husband.
It’s all very sad. Over the last few weeks, I had been talking about my ex husband. He was an addict, addicted to gambling and alcohol, as was his father. His mother was the text book enabler of them both. Her whole life centred around her husband and son, and enabling their behaviour, to ‘keep the peace’.
My ex husband was abusive. He hit me when drunk. There was financial abuse – where he spent his money on his addictions and I paid most of the bills. It was a toxic marriage, as he was a compulsive liar and I never knew what he was doing, or what state he would come home in. This clearly did not help my complex trauma issue. And it is part of my trauma history.
I tried so hard to ‘save’ him. I tried to help him stop drinking. He told me many times – I was the only person who truly wanted him to be well, sober and have a good life. I know he loved his parents – but knew they enabled his addictions. He told me I was the only person who truly loved him in a healthy way.
He was an addict, raised by an addict father and addict enabler mother. It is truly so sad.
During the times he was abusing me, his mother and some of his friends, blamed me for the abuse. They used phrases like “if you didn’t wind him up when drunk – he wouldn’t hit you”, “you knew he drank a lot, so why complain’. So to them – it was ‘me’ with the problem. In their toxic minds, I shouldn’t have been upset or annoyed about his drinking. I should just tolerate it and keep quiet. But, I didn’t. I wanted him well. Continue reading