I couldn’t be his Wonderwall

This was one of my ex husband’s special songs for us. I know he wanted to be saved from his addictions. But, I couldn’t save him. I tried. Really hard.

Maybe I should have tried harder.

Feeling Sad, As It’s My Ex Husband’s Funeral Today

It’s a very sad day. I wish I could be there and offer support to his daughter and mother. I hope they are okay. As okay as you can be, on such a painful and emotional day.

I loved my ex husband, and I know, I am needing to grieve too. It’s complicated, grieving someone you loved, who could be abusive. But, I am choosing to hold on to the good he had within.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Developing The Belief That I Deserve To Live – For ‘Me’ & Not Only For Others ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Something I have come to understand – is throughout my whole life, my existence has been dependent on what I am doing for others. I know why this happened. I was abused heinously in my childhood, and the parentification (the child is responsible for looking after the needs of the parent) abuse I endured, and being made responsible for my siblings, meant my whole worth was about what I ‘did for others’. This is how I was made to feel, by my mother.

Narcissistic parents, have conditional affection/approval. I learned in my childhood, my worth was purely based upon my mothers approval of what I was doing for ‘her’.

This meant I developed a ‘self worth’ belief system, that my existence was purely for being used and useful, to other people. I did not develop any awareness of my own worth – based on myself, or my needs.

I see clearly how this manifested in my adult life. I have been used and abused by many people.

Even though I have been working on my self worth, when I am overwhelmed and in too much emotional pain, I still revert to thinking my only reason for living is my children. I do have an awareness that I deserve to live for me, but when this is tested I realise the awareness/belief, is not deep enough.

I also realise, this is one reason why I have been so dedicated to my online work — to the point of being unhealthy and spending too much time online in the past. Because my online work gives me a purpose for living too. I am helping other survivors – again my worth – being connected in what I do for other people.

So, after processing my own trauma based beliefs and issues that still plague my life…… I also have come to realise – I need to develop a life that is lived for ‘me’. Not just for others.

I need to truly learn I deserve to live for ‘me’.

I need to truly believe my life is worth living for ‘my’ needs, ‘my’ joy and ‘my’ happiness too.

I need to truly believe that my worth for my existence – is not ‘only’ to care for, and being useful for others.