Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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The Shame & Hurt Of Being An ‘Untouchable’ Client – To My Therapist ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have always assumed my therapist has a ‘no touching clients’ rule. I assumed this, because within the last 5 years I have been seeing her, she has never held my hand, or hugged me. And I know about therapy boundaries, and ethical codes of conduct. So, I know some therapists still choose to hug etc, but some don’t.  I assumed the latter, was the case for my counsellor.

This week, however, while I was sitting in the waiting room, I realised she does not have this rule, for all her clients. I saw her hug and kiss a woman on the cheek. I could tell by the conversation, this woman was not a friend, because she hadn’t seen her for a while. And if this woman was a friend, she wouldn’t be at the counselling centre making an appointment.

It shocked me, because this was not something I ever expected to see. And it made me realise, I had assumed she had this ‘no touch’ rule, which made me feel better, about her not hugging me, or holding my hand, like I know other therapists choose to.

Of course, I have been wondering since, why she chooses not to have physical contact with me? What’s wrong with me, that makes me someone she would not touch? Bearing in mind as well, that she was a GP for years prior to becoming a counsellor, so she is very used to touching patients.

Obviously there is something about me, that I don’t realise – makes normal people not want to touch me. And it seems only toxic, abusive people want to touch me.

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It is very painful to realise this. I must be repulsive in some way that I don’t understand. I always shower prior to appointments. I wear clean clothes. I’m not repulsive in my appearance. So, I can only assume it is my personality, or my character that is the issue. Or, maybe it’s my past and someone like me, really is damaged goods? And that makes normal people find me physically repulsive? Maybe, Continue reading


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Grieving Someone Who Was Abusive – Is Hard ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

My ex-husband has died, and I am currently going through different emotions. Which is understandable, as he was abusive due to addictions. There was domestic violence and financial abuse. There were also good times too.

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My emotions are….

Deep sadness for his mother and daughter, who both loved him. Knowing his mothers whole life was based on her son and husband, who are now both deceased. Sadness for a mother who has to bury her son. No parent should ever have to go to the funeral of their own child.

My own sadness for him, as I did love him very much.

Sadness as he died in his early 50’s, which is too young.

Feelings of hurt and anger rising up, because of the abuse I endured. Which I do know I need to feel, process and grieve and trying not to feel guilty about because he has now died.

Feeling that maybe I could have helped him more, but realising you cannot save someone – who does not want to be saved. Knowing I have not beat myself up and know I was not responsible for saving him.

Feeling sadness for a man who’s life was damaged by addictions and a poor and neglectful upbringing – raised by an addict and an addict enabler.

Sadness, knowing had he been able to deal with his addictions, his life would have been so much better – for himself, as well as those around him.

The feelings due to holding onto knowing, he could be caring and thoughtful when sober and I wish he could have been sober all the time. He had potential to be a really great person. Continue reading