My ex-husband has died, and I am currently going through different emotions. Which is understandable, as he was abusive due to addictions. There was domestic violence and financial abuse. There were also good times too.
My emotions are….
Deep sadness for his mother and daughter, who both loved him. Knowing his mothers whole life was based on her son and husband, who are now both deceased. Sadness for a mother who has to bury her son. No parent should ever have to go to the funeral of their own child.
My own sadness for him, as I did love him very much.
Sadness as he died in his early 50’s, which is too young.
Feelings of hurt and anger rising up, because of the abuse I endured. Which I do know I need to feel, process and grieve and trying not to feel guilty about because he has now died.
Feeling that maybe I could have helped him more, but realising you cannot save someone – who does not want to be saved. Knowing I have not beat myself up and know I was not responsible for saving him.
Feeling sadness for a man who’s life was damaged by addictions and a poor and neglectful upbringing – raised by an addict and an addict enabler.
Sadness, knowing had he been able to deal with his addictions, his life would have been so much better – for himself, as well as those around him.
The feelings due to holding onto knowing, he could be caring and thoughtful when sober and I wish he could have been sober all the time. He had potential to be a really great person.
Feeling really sad, that the last time we spoke, he begged me to go back to him. I wish our last conversation could have been different. I wish I could have told him I cared about him before he died.
Feeling sad that there are so many broken and damaged people, due to being raised by unhealthy people. And the profound affect that has on the adult they become.
A general sense of grieving loss.
Trying to manage my mixed emotions and be okay with all of them.
Just sitting with the emotions, curling up on the sofa, thinking about going and watering my gardens, and easy, gentle things to get through this emotional time.
Grieving anyone is painful. Grieving someone abusive, is confusing and difficult.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
May 6, 2017 at 3:12 pm
I understand this complicated feeling very well as I have experienced the same thing. My abusive ex died a little over a year ago at just 48. I think I grieve mostly for our children and also for not ever having the chance for things to be ok between us. I had given up on that idea years before his death, as his abusive behavior towards me never changed. There is always that question of ‘could I have done more’ even though I know the answer. It is so very difficult to feel such extreme emotions and know that I do understand. Sending you peace ❤
May 7, 2017 at 1:19 am
((((((((((Lilly)))))))))) My day will come. I dread it. Your words hit me hard. You gave me something to think about. My last words were very harsh for I feel he has destroyed our children. I couldn’t save him and I can not save them. I left in 2002 at the age of 50, after 32 years of abuse. Yes, there were good times, too. I have to continue my healing and recovery. He is 68. I never thought he’d see 50. Thank you for waking me to something I need to do for myself.