I was having a conversation earlier, with my husband about my counselling appointment. This conversation led me to one of those big realisation moments, when previously confusing issues, become very clear.
I sadly, learned a lot about toxic people and the way they think. And I think this subconsciously taught what unhealthy, toxic thinking is and I intrinsically knew this was wrong.
An example……….. the psychopath who went to prison after several years of horrifically abusing me, had huge issues with revenge. And he believed that admitting to anything you do that’s wrong – was weakness. This is typical psychopath behaviour and I learned just how evil and heinous he could be. One phrase he repeated many times was ‘never admit you are wrong’. And he loved his revenge fantasies.
This will show the type of character I have, that comes naturally……… I did not spent even 1 second wondering whether he was being treated badly in prison or enjoying any thoughts of him getting his ‘karma’. Or hoping he was treated badly – so he could get some of ‘what he deserved’. I don’t think that way. Ever.
I haven’t had any trauma induced bad dreams about anything about revenge/ retribution/ karma. I don’t think about that when I’m awake. I don’t think about that when I’m asleep. And I don’t think those things subconsciously.
I have always known on an intrinsic core level
– they are wrong and they do not feature
in mind, heart or my soul.
So, interestingly, the psychopath had huge revenge fantasies and exacted revenge on some people – yet I had absolutely zero revenge/karma fantasies about him – despite all the evil and heinous abuse I endured.
His issues with refusing to admit when wrong, and justifying that to himself as not being weak, is also something I knew was wrong. And I could not vocalise that at the time. I can and do admit when wrong, and always have done. I know that is a virtuous character trait, and it requires honesty, strength, decency and courage – that clearly the psychopath had none of.
In fact, not one single person who has abused me, has had the courage or decency to own it, admit it, apologise, have genuine remorse, or try to put it right. None of them.
Yet, despite enduring 45 years of that abuse……. I am completely different to them.
Being racist is one that I knew as a teenager was wrong. My step father was racist and it really bothered me. I think seeing that he was a heinous person…. and white, educated, heterosexual etc….. yet was a vile man who was part of a sex offender/paedophile gang. It subconsciously taught me a lot about not judging someone by their race, ethnic background, colour of their skin, sexual orientation etc.
I learned young that it is how people treat others – that defines their character. And my step father failed in every way. His racism was one of many things I knew made him toxic, and a hypocrite.
I know the first 20 years of my life, certainly opened my eyes to so much toxic thinking. And I knew it was wrong. And I have none of that thinking myself. And when others do have thinking now, that is similar to the thinking of all the toxic people in my life……… it flags as wrong and a big red flag.
I am glad to be someone, who chose to see all this
toxicity – as wrong and learned in my core being,
that this was not behaviour
I would ever consider as okay.
And I know, that throughout my life, I have had further abuse, because the toxic abusers all knew I was different to them. It’s why my mother and step father made me the scapegoat. It’s why they tried to silence me. It’s why all the toxic abusers, tried to silence me. I was always a threat to their toxic existence.
So whenever I see attitudes from people that mirror the toxic people’s thinking……. I immediately know this is a red flag. Revenge/karma thinking, refusing to admit when wrong, justifying toxic behaviour, minimizing toxicity, shaming survivors……… and many many more……… flag as not okay. Because I witnessed them all, in the first 20 years of my life.
I’ve always had this intrinsic capacity within me. I just couldn’t vocalise it in the past.
Now, I can. And I am.
I know this is why it irritates me, when people talk about ‘hurt people – hurt people’. Actually – I don’t. And many people who have been abused, don’t hurt others. It’s a shallow BS belief system, that is wrong.
And after all I have been through, if being hurt were the reason for hurting others……… I’d be a serial killer.
But, instead – I am decent, honest, virtuous person, with a conscience. Who knows what is toxic and refuses to condone it.
I learned that, very young.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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