Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It’s Two Days Away, But I’m Already Crying About Mother’s Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 Comments

I woke up at about 2.15am, due to a nightmare. So, I’m tired, emotional and fed up. PTSD is a bitch.

TV and social media, are full of ‘Mother’s Day’ posts, adverts, memes etc.

I’ve already cried this morning, reading a post by one of my favourite authors – Jeff Brown, – where he compassionately suggests those who find Mothers Day hard – consider it as ‘Self Mothering Day’.

And I get it, and it is good advice. But, I am so fed up of having no-one who cares about me, in my life. I’m fed up with having to take care of myself, because no-one else cares about me and my needs.

sad2

I’ve come to realise, no matter what I do, nothing replaces what I didn’t have and nothing fills the void where a loving mother, father, family, extended family, friends, partners………. were supposed to be.

That void is too big. It will never be filled.  No amount of self care, photography, gardening, exercise or anything else, fills that void. It’s a distraction yes. But, that void is empty and I feel it every day.

And yes, I have my own children, but they don’t fill that huge void and nor should they. They are my children and I treat them as that. I don’t expect them to fulfil my unmet childhood and adulthood needs. I will, as always, pretend to be happy for my boys and make Mother’s Day good for them. And I’m sure there will be moments of joy with my boys, as they give me gifts and hugs.

But, that empty, hollow void, is always there……… gnawing at my heart and soul. And that pain goes up, on Mother’s Day.

I guess I’m still grieving. And grieving the realisation that my mother hated me. My mother wanted me abused in the worst possible way.

Plus, I’m grieving all the healthy relationships I never had.

I should have had a loving, caring, cherishing, protecting, encouraging mother.

But, I didn’t. And that will never be okay.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “It’s Two Days Away, But I’m Already Crying About Mother’s Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. I feel your pain, and I know how hard it is to grieve something you never had…I am in a similar place right now where everything feels like I am surrounded by complete darkness. But reading your posts always makes me feel stronger knowing I am not alone with these thoughts that haunt me.
    Thank you for being out there making a voice for so many of us who shares your pain and struggle.

  2. FINALLY my voice is voiced by you! The deep void that can never be filled…the horrific trauma of a mother that hated her child, needs and core longings of a child never met and never will be met by anyone here on earth. I often feel like my void is a deep well that, even if poured into, it all rushes out as fast. The bottom of the well is always dry. I was an unwanted child, not loved, not nurtured by my parents. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts….and I grieve those losses. Perhaps my mother was also abused, not loved, not nurtured….I don’t know. she is an angry, lonely woman now. The attempts of her reaching out are met by caution and by fear. Her voice instills fear. but I am beginning to heal….slowly…layer upon layer of pain needs to be dealt with and relinquished, but how do years of abuse and neglect and pain heal????

  3. I feel the exact same way.

  4. Lilly, you are loved by so many around the globe and I was reminded a couple of years ago that although I never had children of my own, a former student pointed out to me I was a mother figure to many adolescents during my teaching career. The one regret I have is I was never blessed to have the ability to have a child of my own. My void is not like yours, but I can relate to the fact that my own mother hated me enough to wish me dead at age 4 when she pointed one of my father’s rifles at me declaring “I want to kill you!” I knew at that point my mother would get rid of me and she did in 2005 by disowning me. I was 49.
    The void I felt and still do feel, but less so now than I originally did at the time, is one of complete abandonment. She enabled my brother’s abuse of me for 9 long years and she remains his enabler; he is now 64 and she is 88. I can relate to those who have a void in their life.
    Again this year I am spending Mother’s Day with a fellow survivor whose narcissistic daughter intentionally isolated her mother for more than 7.5 years. Lisa is still feeling the void even though she is now a grandmother, but has yet to meet her new grandson born Feb.17. The narc subjected Lisa to abusive and unreasonable conditions in order for Lisa to visit him by using her C-PTSD against her. Lisa refused to be abused again by her daughter. We had to retain a lawyer to deal with the issues. Daughter dearest has violated every boundary and condition in the demand letter. Lisa is feeling a void not only because of the loss of a daughter, she also has felt a void after losing her father in Vietnam at age 5, and then her mother when she was around 22. All she wanted was someone to love and became a single mother to an ungrateful, hateful daughter. We are truly sisters in survival and we have a very deep bond indeed.
    The void or the abyss we feel in our soul is unfillable… to a point. We, however, must try to make our lives full, you by doing what you are doing Lilly and me with my own work in my own support group and other ventures.
    Please know that you are loved, respected and needed by all with whom you come in contact here and in person. May you have a Happy Mother’s self-care day Lilly. You deserve it and you have earned it by virtue of being a human being.
    Peace and blessings to you Lilly.

  5. Thank you to everyone commenting, I really appreciate your messages ❤
    I know this is a hard time for so many and I just hope in sharing this, people know I understand.
    Lots of self care and self compassion needed.
    Lilly ❤ ❤

  6. I too find this day extremely painful. Your words help me to face my fears. Raised with extreme fear, judgment, and criticism I was afraid to stand up for myself and lost custody of my daughters many years ago. My oldest daughter has refused all contact. I unknowingly passed my fears onto her. If separating from me helps her to heal, so be it.

  7. It’s hard to ‘like’ this post. Know that I like it in the way the means I understand the feeling. I hope that all of us that can relate to this post are able to find a way to honor ourselves as mother’s who have ended the cycle or have found a way to give to ourselves the security, support and nurturing that every child deserves. Thank you for posting ❤

  8. No one can feel the emptiness except those of us who have been abandoned, abused or hated. There is NOTHING that can fill that hole. I have two daughters that I celebrate Mother’s Day with and if not for them I would not celebrate Mother’s or Father’s day for that matter. Lilly, it’s your strong voice speaking out for others feeling just like us that makes things bearable. I hope tomorrow will quickly end.

    Hugs sweet friend. ❤

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