I woke up at about 2.15am, due to a nightmare. So, I’m tired, emotional and fed up. PTSD is a bitch.
TV and social media, are full of ‘Mother’s Day’ posts, adverts, memes etc.
I’ve already cried this morning, reading a post by one of my favourite authors – Jeff Brown, – where he compassionately suggests those who find Mothers Day hard – consider it as ‘Self Mothering Day’.
And I get it, and it is good advice. But, I am so fed up of having no-one who cares about me, in my life. I’m fed up with having to take care of myself, because no-one else cares about me and my needs.
I’ve come to realise, no matter what I do, nothing replaces what I didn’t have and nothing fills the void where a loving mother, father, family, extended family, friends, partners………. were supposed to be.
That void is too big. It will never be filled. No amount of self care, photography, gardening, exercise or anything else, fills that void. It’s a distraction yes. But, that void is empty and I feel it every day.
And yes, I have my own children, but they don’t fill that huge void and nor should they. They are my children and I treat them as that. I don’t expect them to fulfil my unmet childhood and adulthood needs. I will, as always, pretend to be happy for my boys and make Mother’s Day good for them. And I’m sure there will be moments of joy with my boys, as they give me gifts and hugs.
But, that empty, hollow void, is always there……… gnawing at my heart and soul. And that pain goes up, on Mother’s Day.
I guess I’m still grieving. And grieving the realisation that my mother hated me. My mother wanted me abused in the worst possible way.
Plus, I’m grieving all the healthy relationships I never had.
I should have had a loving, caring, cherishing, protecting, encouraging mother.
But, I didn’t. And that will never be okay.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.