Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Whatever I Do About My Mothers Funeral – Will Be Wrong


My mother has died. I’m aware her funeral is on 30th May.

I had counselling today, and we talked about how numb I feel about hearing my mother has died. And how that numb feeling is normal.

We also discussed whether I should attend the funeral. I know that my siblings – will choose to see whatever I do – as wrong.

If I go to funeral – that will wrong.

If I don’t go to the funeral – that will be wrong.

That’s the problem with dysfunctional families. Whatever the scapegoat does, is always wrong.

I have decided not to go. For my own personal needs, I do not need to attend the funeral.

I would have liked to go – to support my siblings, if our relationship was normal. I only went to their father’s funeral – to support them. I wish them nothing but peace.

But, I am aware emotions will be running high, and me being there may make it harder for my siblings. And despite their hatred for me, I don’t want to cause them any issues.

I wish them no ill at all. That’s one reason I write this blog under a pen name – to protect their identities. I’m not spiteful, or I would say their names. But, I don’t.

I also don’t wish them any harm.

I don’t want my mother to ‘burn in hell’ as some people want to think about their abusers.

I don’t have that dark need in me, to want people to suffer. Even if they have caused me great pain.

I truly hope that when Jesus comes back again and puts this world back to how it should be, that every single abuser is there, free from their toxicity, and no longer suffering in that hell of their own making – they chose to endure whilst here and alive.

I want everyone, to be at peace.

Including my mother.

And that’s what I am praying for.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “Whatever I Do About My Mothers Funeral – Will Be Wrong

  1. You’re absolutely right. You have to do what’s right for you. I totally understand your decision.

    • I’m so sorry Lilly. I know how you feel because I had to walk those same steps and chose like you to not attend. Give yourself love and know many of us are praying for you. May God wrap His arms around you during this isolating time from those who are suppose to care. You are in my heart.
      Shannon xo

  2. Hi Lily
    I attended funerals of both parents and did not speak to my siblings afterwards. The tension and faulty communication patterns were so ingrained that both were a nightmare scenario. I went to pay respects to my parents and for my daughter and partner. I even had to fight to find out the location of where my parent’s ashes were scattered.As to estate matters that has become an email war. The trauma of a dysfunctional family is sometimes so conflicted that whatever you do as “black sheep” or scapegoat will, in the end, be for yourself. The Hollywood endings of reconciliation and forgiveness give way to trying to save one last tiny drop of residual goodwill. having been estranged from siblings for years and or decades to play “happy families” at conflicted funerals is a gut-wrenching choice when behind the scenes is a trauma vortex. Stay strong and resilient through the waves of grief at this time. I totally understand your decision.

  3. I’ve thought about this many times. If my mother dies, would I go to her funeral after being the scapegoat of the family, how she abused me and aimed to destroy my life? No, I would not go, and I don’t care what people think, I’m doing it for me.

  4. Do whatever is best for you, Lilly. I did not attend my father’s. The fact that I was very ill at the time made it an easier decision and I have no regrets. I will probably not attend my mother’s. Of course, I won’t know for sure until that day arrives.

  5. I am really sorry, Lilly. I think you are right; the funeral is unlikely to be a good place for you to be. Family dysfunction does not take a holiday when there is a bereavement, it increases exponentially, and for scapegoats such as you (and me) there is no space for honest, natural grief. We carry so much of other people’s grief that there is hardly space for our own.
    I hope you find the time and space to think of yourself, without all of that additional burden. Perhaps take a walk in the woods or along a beach, or plant a rose or a tree. Try to reconnect with any good memories that you can find.
    I am pretty sure my own siblings will have nothing more to do with me after our mother dies; they are already very close to doing that. I think of it in terms of ‘what value do they bring to my life; what would I miss if they were to disappear?’ That makes it easier.