My mother has died. I’m aware her funeral is on 30th May.
I had counselling today, and we talked about how numb I feel about hearing my mother has died. And how that numb feeling is normal.
We also discussed whether I should attend the funeral. I know that my siblings – will choose to see whatever I do – as wrong.
If I go to funeral – that will wrong.
If I don’t go to the funeral – that will be wrong.
That’s the problem with dysfunctional families. Whatever the scapegoat does, is always wrong.
I have decided not to go. For my own personal needs, I do not need to attend the funeral.
I would have liked to go – to support my siblings, if our relationship was normal. I only went to their father’s funeral – to support them. I wish them nothing but peace.
But, I am aware emotions will be running high, and me being there may make it harder for my siblings. And despite their hatred for me, I don’t want to cause them any issues.
I wish them no ill at all. That’s one reason I write this blog under a pen name – to protect their identities. I’m not spiteful, or I would say their names. But, I don’t.
I also don’t wish them any harm.
I don’t want my mother to ‘burn in hell’ as some people want to think about their abusers.
I don’t have that dark need in me, to want people to suffer. Even if they have caused me great pain.
I truly hope that when Jesus comes back again and puts this world back to how it should be, that every single abuser is there, free from their toxicity, and no longer suffering in that hell of their own making – they chose to endure whilst here and alive.
I want everyone, to be at peace.
Including my mother.
And that’s what I am praying for.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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