Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Have I Already Cried Enough Tears, Grieved Enough About My Mother? ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 Comments

alone-all-my-life

 

I know my mothers death is affecting me more than it appears. I haven’t cried. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel sad. I feel nothing.

But, I know it’s affecting me.

I’m on the internet and social media more than I was.

I’m blogging more than I was.

I’m exhausted and that’s getting worse each day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Despite medication.

All signs that I am struggling. But, without the emotions to go with it.

I’m getting emotional about anything else upsetting.

Like my son’s friend who is 15, being homeless because his alcoholic abusive parents chucked him out this week. Which makes me very angry. Poor kid. Such abuse and abandonment. Fortunately he is staying indefinitely with another of their friends, who’s parents have so kindly taken him in. Which I am so grateful for And I’m going to talk to them tomorrow, to see how I can help. I have a card to give him too, with a message of how is welcome anytime at our place. If he needs anything, to let us know. And some money in the card. I just want him to know there are people who care about him and his wellbeing.

I’ve cried at how this teenager must be feeling. Several times.

I cried at the news about Manchester and the terrorism that claimed so many lives and traumatised many more.

I’ve cried about a story of animal cruelty I read.

But, I cannot cry about my mother. I wish I could and just get over with already.

Maybe, I have cried enough tears, been angry enough, dealt with my grieving enough….. before she died. I hope this is the case.

It’s weird, but it’s like I am just completely detached about it.

Or maybe I am just completely dissociated about it. Which I hope it isn’t – because that means when I do start to feel……… it’s ain’t gonna be pretty.

Maybe I am internalising the grieving. Instead of externalising the emotions as crying, or venting, or getting angry.

I guess time will tell….

But, I hope whatever needs to happen, happens soon. Because I know things are going downhill.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “Have I Already Cried Enough Tears, Grieved Enough About My Mother? ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Dear Lily,

    I send you love and hope your emptiness is filled with love. Believe me by helping your son’s friend will do a lot help your pain. I too felt nothing when my father died, I had cried enough for the pain he caused me since I was 11 years when my mother died. In a way I was lucky I knew what real mother’s love and care was. It is a place that I could always go to despite feeling like hell at times.

    Cherish the love of your son, I too have a son 17 years who has helped me heal and feel whole.

    To be honest I was just glad my father died and he did not want to see me before he died.

    Reading your posts have helped me deal with C-PTSD and it helps to know that one is not alone

    Love and blessings.

  2. My condolences for the loss of your mother.

    I suspect that you are already crying for your mother; one loss connects with all other losses. Perhaps it simply isn’t safe yet to ascribe any of those tears to your mother, but it certainly looks as if her loss is connecting with other losses, other griefs. Perhaps think of it as water; whether it is a puddle, a stream, a lake or a river, all that water ultimately connects with the ocean that is our grief for what might have been, what should never have been, and for who we could have been, given even half a chance.

    My father died a year and a half ago. Most of the tears happened before he died, and a few after, but there has certainly been an increased fragility; a tendency to bruise easily in an emotional sense. I regret that he died, but I regret even more that he never really knew anything about me.

    Be kind to yourself; you deserve it.

  3. Thank you, I appreciate your messages ❤

    It is so hard grieving an abusive parent.

  4. My mother died in 2015. It’s funny–I don’t honestly miss her, and I sure don’t wish she were alive, but I still find myself grieving her. I don’t understand how that works. I didn’t cry when she died, but now am recently weepy about it, and I’m not a weepy person. I hope it passes soon–I don’t want to spend the rest of my life crying over someone I didn’t like and who didn’t like me.

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