I know my mothers death is affecting me more than it appears. I haven’t cried. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel sad. I feel nothing.
But, I know it’s affecting me.
I’m on the internet and social media more than I was.
I’m blogging more than I was.
I’m exhausted and that’s getting worse each day.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Despite medication.
All signs that I am struggling. But, without the emotions to go with it.
I’m getting emotional about anything else upsetting.
Like my son’s friend who is 15, being homeless because his alcoholic abusive parents chucked him out this week. Which makes me very angry. Poor kid. Such abuse and abandonment. Fortunately he is staying indefinitely with another of their friends, who’s parents have so kindly taken him in. Which I am so grateful for And I’m going to talk to them tomorrow, to see how I can help. I have a card to give him too, with a message of how is welcome anytime at our place. If he needs anything, to let us know. And some money in the card. I just want him to know there are people who care about him and his wellbeing.
I’ve cried at how this teenager must be feeling. Several times.
I cried at the news about Manchester and the terrorism that claimed so many lives and traumatised many more.
I’ve cried about a story of animal cruelty I read.
But, I cannot cry about my mother. I wish I could and just get over with already.
Maybe, I have cried enough tears, been angry enough, dealt with my grieving enough….. before she died. I hope this is the case.
It’s weird, but it’s like I am just completely detached about it.
Or maybe I am just completely dissociated about it. Which I hope it isn’t – because that means when I do start to feel……… it’s ain’t gonna be pretty.
Maybe I am internalising the grieving. Instead of externalising the emotions as crying, or venting, or getting angry.
I guess time will tell….
But, I hope whatever needs to happen, happens soon. Because I know things are going downhill.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.