Healing, is a tricky journey. It requires considerable self honesty, self insight and capacity to transform self. And this is why some people don’t heal. It’s a painful journey that takes considerable courage and strength to endure. It’s easier for some people to avoid this. I did for decades, until I had no choice.
Healing, is what I aim for. Not just surviving for the rest of my life. I’m sick of surviving. I want peace. I want to be independent. I want to have my Complex PTSD symptoms under control, as much as I possibly can.
This is why I put so much effort into learning all the PTSD management techniques. It’s why I’ve persisted in counselling, even on days when I’ve had to drag myself there.
I see a lot of ‘advocates’ out there, talking continually about abusive people. And there is merit and a need to figure out how we have been abused. To figure out how the abuse affected us. Because you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
But, healing is not about staying stuck in that place of obsession about abusers. Quite frankly, I am sick of abusers. I don’t want to think about them and write about them for the rest of my life.
The only reasons I persist on my social media, is because other people are where I was 5 years ago… when I first started processing all the abuse. And I do want to help people, because I know how hard and how isolating this journey is.
Over the last 5 years, I have processed so much trauma and I have written and talked a lot about abusers. I have gone through all the needed emotions, that could not be suppressed any longer. I’ve gone through the anger, the disgust, the sadness, the grieving all that happened to me, and all that I did not have in my life.
I’m still dealing with issues with my husband, because he’s in my life and my children’s lives. So, I am not completely free of toxic/abusive/narcissistic people. But, even though this is an ongoing issue, I am dealing with it in a healthy way. I no longer accept, or ignore his narcissism. And things have improved and I am encouraging that.
And I’ve realised although it was hard to hear my mother has died 2 weeks ago, I have already done all the grieving needed. I didn’t fall apart, and that shows the level of healing I have achieved.
All the toxic abusive people from the past – are truly in the past.
It is a choice survivors need to make, to process and grieve it all and then decide how to make their lives better and healthier.
And this is truly what I want for every complex trauma survivor. Because we have suffered enough.
It takes different timespans for everyone and current life issues do affect the healing journey. But, we can all learn symptom management, learn better self care and figure out how to improve our lives.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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