Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

1 Comment

What I Want In The Future For Everyone, Including My Abusers ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.

garden of eden

I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.

I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.

I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.

I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.

But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.

I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.

And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.

I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.

Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’. Continue reading

1 Comment

Healing & Grieving Complex Trauma, Child Abuse, Severe Abuse – Does Not Feel ‘Positive’ At The Start ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

alone all my life


Something I have learned over the last 5 years, is healing complex trauma & child abuse – is really painful.

And this is why a lot of people don’t heal. They understandably don’t want to face the truth. It’s easier to suppress, avoid, excuse, justify, put a good spin on it.

But, while I know that is easier (I did it as well throughout my entire 20’s and 30’s) – I also know you do not heal, unless you confront it all.

Facing the truth about my childhood, has nearly killed me. The depths of emotional pain and distress I have felt, is horrific.

It feels incredibly cruel – to have to endure all the abuse…….. and then have to process it all decades later. But, that was the only way to heal.

When you don’t confront it all, or you cope with avoidance, suppression etc – it will continue to affect your life in many ways. Ways many don’t even understand.

Processing abuse – which is confronting the reality of it all., figuring out all the ways it affects us – is painful and does not in any way ‘feel positive’.

But, where it is heading, is positive.

I remember a few years ago, being really upset with my counsellor. I told her I was not okay with coming to therapy, and feeling worse than when I went in. I remember feeling really pissed off, that I was feeling worse and worse. I remember her saying to me “why do you think you should feel better when you come here?” I remember feeling really hurt that she somehow ‘wanted’ me to feel worse. She didn’t want me to feel worse, she knew this process was painful. She knew I had a lot more processing to go.

So, now I get it. Processing, grieving – hurts.

It hurts to have to face all the ways the abuse affected us. I had to face my own unhealthy beliefs, my own unhealthy ways of coping. I had to face my own distorted thinking. I had to start to process all my abusers intentionally abused me. And it really f****** hurt.

So yeah, my counsellor knew more than I realised back then. And I will tell her that when I see her. Because I can admit when I was wrong, and she was right. Continue reading