Something I have learned over the last 5 years, is healing complex trauma & child abuse – is really painful.
And this is why a lot of people don’t heal. They understandably don’t want to face the truth. It’s easier to suppress, avoid, excuse, justify, put a good spin on it.
But, while I know that is easier (I did it as well throughout my entire 20’s and 30’s) – I also know you do not heal, unless you confront it all.
Facing the truth about my childhood, has nearly killed me. The depths of emotional pain and distress I have felt, is horrific.
It feels incredibly cruel – to have to endure all the abuse…….. and then have to process it all decades later. But, that was the only way to heal.
When you don’t confront it all, or you cope with avoidance, suppression etc – it will continue to affect your life in many ways. Ways many don’t even understand.
Processing abuse – which is confronting the reality of it all., figuring out all the ways it affects us – is painful and does not in any way ‘feel positive’.
But, where it is heading, is positive.
I remember a few years ago, being really upset with my counsellor. I told her I was not okay with coming to therapy, and feeling worse than when I went in. I remember feeling really pissed off, that I was feeling worse and worse. I remember her saying to me “why do you think you should feel better when you come here?” I remember feeling really hurt that she somehow ‘wanted’ me to feel worse. She didn’t want me to feel worse, she knew this process was painful. She knew I had a lot more processing to go.
So, now I get it. Processing, grieving – hurts.
It hurts to have to face all the ways the abuse affected us. I had to face my own unhealthy beliefs, my own unhealthy ways of coping. I had to face my own distorted thinking. I had to start to process all my abusers intentionally abused me. And it really f****** hurt.
So yeah, my counsellor knew more than I realised back then. And I will tell her that when I see her. Because I can admit when I was wrong, and she was right.
But, something she has also always said, is my level of courage and inner strength, to go through this process. To face the truth. To self reflect with honesty. And I appreciate her support in this.
Healing hurts. Really f******* hurts.
But, do you know what hurts more? Staying unhealed. Not grieving and keeping all that pain inside. Not facing the truth and letting the shame and pain affect the rest of our lives.
Many times I have wanted to quit. There have been times when I have been suicidal. There have been times I’ve said I wish I had never started this ‘journey’.
I will add to this meme, by saying processing and grieving trauma, did not feel positive at the beginning. And it did not feel positive in the middle.
But, I knew I had to do this. And keep going.
And I am glad I have.
Because where you head, once you have done enough processing, healing and grieving – is where we all deserve to be. Where the trauma and abuse no longer control your life and no longer affect your life in ways that continues to hurt.
That’s where I am heading. And where I want all survivors, to be heading.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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