***I am stating a trigger warning for this blog. It may be a difficult read for severe abuse survivors and it is about my faith.
I talked about this at my last counselling session. What I want for the future. I don’t want any of my abusers to suffer. I don’t want them to go to hell. I don’t want anyone to burn for eternity. I don’t have those needs within me, to want anyone to suffer.
I have made it very clear I have struggled with my faith. I’ve struggled with my relationship with God. I don’t ‘get’ why God created this earth and knew all the suffering that would occur. I know God knows this is because I hate suffering, of any kind.
I talk about God in ways I know some people would be shocked at. But, I talk to God and about God in a genuine way, built upon the understanding that He wants a relationship with us, and He knows our inner most thoughts. So, what comes out of my mouth, or gets written here, is exactly what I am thinking.
I am still confused about why God would create a world full of people suffering. Why He ‘lets’ evil do it’s thing. I’ve felt very hurt and like it is the ultimate betrayal that God let me suffer as a child, in the most heinous ways. I’ve told God I’m angry and pissed at Him. Shocking for some ‘religious’ people to read, I know. But, that’s how I felt inside and there’s no hiding your true thoughts from God.
But, I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Accepting I don’t understand and I won’t until such time as Jesus comes back and everything God intended, is back to where it should be. Before we fucked up in the Garden Of Eden. And continued to fuck up.
I said to my counsellor last week…… I’ve said to God “God I get it. We all fucked up. Yes, some a lot more than others. But, none of us are what You intended us to be. And I’ve begged Him to put it all back to the Garden of Eden. And please do not put another fucking apple tree in the middle. Just please restore us all, to what You want us to be. What You always wanted us to be. With no suffering. No evil. No fucking Satan. No selfishness, No Abuse. No pain.
And yes, that includes all my abusers. All abusers full stop.
I know God will do what He wants. But, God is pure love. And I believe that means, we will all be restored. Will some remain in the hell of their own making? I don’t know. But, I hope not.
Does this mean I excuse all my abusers? Absolutely not. Does this mean I think abusers should be ‘let off the hook’. Absolutely not. Does this mean we should not have anger, hatred, or think they are vile abusive, disgusting people. Absolutely not. Does this mean I think God believes we should ‘coddle’ abusers. Absolutely not. Does this mean I should not call evil people – evil. Absolutely not.
Jesus modelled anger and not enabling abuse. I see that clearly. He wasn’t some namby pamby, soft, effeminate man – some depict Him as.
But, I don’t have it in me to hate anyone into hell. No matter what they have done. Just as Jesus didn’t.
My counsellor said, she believes I have more of the heart of God, than most people. To think this way, is not common. Especially someone who has suffered so much.
I hope so.
And this is where I am at.
Still confused. Still not ‘getting’ why God allows suffering.
But, with hope for the future, for the suffering to end.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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