It’s good to have feedback from my counsellor, as to where I’m at. We’ve had an up and down therapy relationship, but we’ve both learned and grown from each other.
I know I am at a place, where it feels like a ‘safe enough’ relationship, which is pretty huge for a complex trauma survivor.
Yesterday, I noted my counsellor talking about giving myself the grace to not be perfect. So, I asked for clarification on this. She confirmed I do set high standards for myself – which I think is good. I see clearly the harm caused by people who seem to think it’s okay to set low standards for their behaviours. But, I need to mindful of not expecting so much of myself, that it is harmful.
She also confirmed I am ‘mostly’ caring for myself – which indicates to me that she feels I have more work to do on this. And that’s okay, because I know I will be a work in progress all my life.
I am aware wisdom knows – we should always be learning and improving. And that mostly needs to be about ourselves. Transformation of self, is how we heal.
And she confirmed I am more aware of my boundaries, how I care for others, and that I give myself time to think and talk about issues, or something I am processing.
Something I have realised myself, is I am far less ‘anxiety/fear/shame’ based now. And that is proof of my healing. I am also not angry anymore. I did need to feel anger, as part of healing and grieving, but I don’t feel that anymore.
I also know I am at a place now, where other people’s issues, no longer affect me. I wish no-one any harm, but I also know – I do not have to tolerate anyone else’s issues. I don’t internalise other people’s issues. And that is huge for a complex trauma survivor.
I’m very aware of the growth and maturity that comes from being able to honestly self reflect and the capacity to choose to change.
I’m also aware, I mostly just feel sadness about my trauma history and about those who caused it. I feel the sadness of how they chose such horrible for themselves, as well as for those they harmed. And I am not excusing anything they did. They are/were vile human beings, who are 100% responsible for their abusive actions and behaviours. But, I do see they chose a horrible life, with nothing good in it. When they could have chosen a better life. I just feel sad about that. And I’m okay with feeling sad, even if others will say that is in someway wrong. It’s not wrong. It’s just the place I am at, due to all the healing I have chosen to process. I am also aware not to think about this too much. I don’t need to dwell on this sadness, because that is unhealthy for me.
So, I will talk more about this, at my next therapy appointment. In particular how I can continue to have better self care.
I am committed 100% to healing, maturity and growth.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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