I’m not doing okay at the moment. A combination of things that matter greatly to me, that I don’t want to write about in detail. But, they are pretty devastating, and beyond my control to sort out.
I’m aware my mothers death is also causing me issues. I’ve dreamt about her several times lately and I think that’s affecting me more than I want to admit.
It’s interesting that so many severe child abuse survivors truly understand what a heinous childhood does to a person, and then how it feels when the abusive parent dies.
The people in my life, have no idea how that feels and they don’t understand, nor do they really care to try. I’m supposed to just get over it. Hey, it’s been a month…. I should be over already…
I didn’t take my children to school today. First time ever, I have not got up and taken them to school. My older son walked, he’s 15 and it’s okay he can do that. But, my younger son I have really let down. And I know people will say I’m ill and it’s okay, it’s just one day. But, it’s the significance of this failure as a mother, when I have never failed before, that fills me with shame.
It’s a pretty dark, lonely time right now.
It’s all spiralling down and I can’t stop it.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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