Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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Compassion About Suicidal Thoughts – Is Vital ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


Dealing With Complex PTSD Suicide Ideation & Thoughts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since being a teenager. My first attempt was around the age of 13 years, due to such heinous abuse I was enduring. And it wasn’t a cry for help, or attention seeking. I really wanted to die.

I’ve had Complex PTSD since being a child. The hyper-vigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the terminal aloneness and hopelessness, the threat of impending doom, and the suicidal thoughts have been in my life for 4 decades.

I think the suicidal thoughts can be due to wanting the terrible pain to end and also knowing I can end my life if it becomes too much – as a way out. It’s like an unhealthy coping strategy.

I’ve suffered heinous sexual, emotional, psychological abuse from being a young child onwards.

My mother was a heinous woman who exploited me to be sexually abused by the ‘family friends – paedophiles, sex offenders, psychopaths. And decades of abuse after that.

The emotional pain and suffering cannot be understood unless it’s been endured.

This year is a really bad year. My ex husband died, shortly followed by my mothers death. I’ve got serious health issues. And I’ve had come to terms with knowing my husband is a dark triad domestic violence abuser.

And there’s been huge issues going on in my counselling, where the last time I was suicidal – my counsellor defended my husband and defended his psychopath, sexual deviance, narcissistic behaviours. While I was suicidal. And all because she was pissed at me for calling her names. What has resulted is knowing she does not care about me at all, and never did. She clearly couldn’t have cared less if I had left there and killed myself. And, therefore she is not a safe person to be around when suicidal.

So, I have no-one to contact when suicidal.

Last week I was suicidal. I told my husband to tell my children I died of a heart attack. I think he actually wants me to kill myself, because he would be better off without me. And he could play the grieving widower role, which he would enjoy faking. He’s certainly been provoking me enough to the point where I have told him to find somewhere else to live.

I dealt with these suicidal thoughts alone. I sat with them and willed myself Continue reading

Reactive Abuse – Another Form Of Toxic Manipulation ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Posters – How To Identify Toxic People ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Everyone They Come Into Contact With – Is A Victim Of A Pathological, Delusional & Character Disordered Person ~ Lilly Hope Lucario



When someone lives in a delusional place of pretending they are a nice person – when really they are the opposite – everyone is their victim.

This includes their partners, children, family, friends, co-workers, therapist etc. Everyone.

Because every single person they are in any contact with is being lied to.

Every person does not know the real character.

Every person is being duped, conned, manipulated, lied to.

I’ve learned this well from the toxic people I have been groomed and manipulated by and seeing how they con and manipulate everyone else too.

And they truly believe they deserve no consequences and are completely okay with continuing on this manipulation. Which shows their lack of remorse, lack of conscience or desire to change.

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We Can Call People Who Choose To Inflict Ongoing Abuse – Exactly What They Are

I’m pretty over hearing people say it’s not okay to ‘call people names’.
When those people choose their ongoing behaviours.
And yes, it is a choice.

If someone doesn’t want to be called names – don’t choose your abusive behaviours.

It’s as simple as that.

If you choose them….. then you accept what people will rightly describe you as.

It’s as simple as that.

There are more I could add to the list, but I can’t fit them all on one meme.

Any one who doesn’t like this………….. tough.
 Stop shaming the victims and focus on what the abusers do.

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A Personality Disorder Is Not An Excuse – As Per Hugo Schwyzer – Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Good to see someone being really honest about how a personality disorder is not an excuse to hurt or manipulate anyone.

I’m over hearing people justify, excuse, minimize the harm people with personality disorders cause.

From https://www.facebook.com/schwyzer

An explanation is not an excuse. In my life and the lives of my friends lately, I’ve seen some confusion about that.

I have borderline personality disorder (obvious to anyone who knows that diagnosis). The risk-taking and need for validation so inherent in that affliction was part of what led me to sleep with so many students for so many years. I knew I had BPD. I chose not to control it or get help. BPD is part of the “why” of what I did, but it does not excuse what I did.

I am as guilty as if I did not have a personality disorder.

You could say my personality disorder cost me my job, but that would be wrong. My choices did.

Whacked out on eight times my prescribed dose of Klonopin, I drove my mom’s car across three lanes of traffic and ran a young mama off the road, sending her to ICU. I was depressed and addicted and having delusions. My depression and addiction and psychosis explain why I was medicating so heavily, but my agony did not take away one ounce of my responsibility to tell my mother that I was in no shape to drive.

You could say my mental illness and addiction caused the crash, but that would be wrong. My choices did.

When people fuck up, we want to know why. “Why” helps us understand the inexplicable; it helps us create a coherent narrative when the alternative is to believe in randomness or callousness. There is value, perhaps, in knowing someone did something because they were sick rather than because they were making a calculated decision to hurt you out of malice.

But, honestly, so what?

The why is like telling an Angeleno the weather today in Oslo or Oklahoma City or Orlando: an interesting fact, but not particularly relevant.

Mentally ill people deserve compassion. We NEED compassion.

Please, if there’s a way to help us when we’re struggling with despair or suicidality or basic life skills, help us! But you do us no favors at all when you imagine that our illness infantilizes us, or you allow us at our most manipulative to claim that we “deserve a pass” because our minds are touched by fire and our capacity to reason is gravely diminished.

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