Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I can’t take any more


This life is too painful and too hard. It never gets easier. I can’t do it anymore.

I’m not doing anymore tests for my blood pressure.

I want to have a heart attack and die.

I’m praying I have a heart attack and die.

I’m praying God will take me out of this nightmare that never ends.

I’m praying I have the strength to end this, if he doesn’t.

I can’t take anymore.

I need peace.

And the only way to stop this pain, is to die.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

17 thoughts on “I can’t take any more

  1. Hope for you is very close! You are still loved! … don’t die for nothing!

  2. I was not upset upon reading your post because I feel this way far too often. PTSD is very difficult to manage while trying to have a life. Oft times I feel too burdened to smile let alone be positive.

  3. No this is not the answer. If u can’t get help for yourself, do it for your boys. Inbox/email me if you want. I understand things are very hard atm, & thats tough.

  4. The only way to stop the pain it to live and I know from all your posts that you have the courage and strength to find your path out of surviving to living. You are coming through the other side. You are making progress. I see it. Yes we all have slips and days when it overwhelms us but you are moving forward and you will get to the living part. Sending love and gratitude for your strength. xxx

  5. i’m so sorry you are feeling this way,i’ve felt it many times too :(,I am praying for you ❤

  6. Hi Lilly,
    Praying for you, it gets better it really does. I can’t understand since my ptsd may not be as bad as yours it is not as bad I’m sure of it. Sometimes it comes in circles you will circle up. Reach out to help available.

  7. Hey Lilly… I hear you! And I feel you! I’ve been following you for a couple of months now and have wanted to comment on your posts and/or write you. I feel that I can understand the pain you are feeling. I too have wanted to die to end my pain. And I want to tell you that there is more to this life than the crap we’ve been dealt and the pain we constantly carry. I have to believe that there will be something good out of my ruined childhood. While I don’t know if I always agree with all of your posts, I do know one thing… you understand how I feel. You give me food for thought. You give me information for healing. Is that not the first word in your websites name… Healing. Your posts give me hope. And I hope that you will know that you are not alone and that dying does not take the pain away. At least that is what I believe. I hope you find some support and know that while you have reached the end of your rope and want to let go, that there are others fighting for you in prayer! By all means vent your frustrations, don’t stuff, but be completely honest with your feelings AND seek others who understand and can help you through this. I don’t know why God allows us to go through what we have been through… I’m wrestling Him on that regarding my own trauma and healing journey. And yet I know that I have been pulled along by this rope of grace that even when I want to cut and give up and end it all… I don’t. There are people who hear my story and are inspired to be the hero of their own journey. You, Lilly, are a warrior and a hero!! Your story has touched and inspired.. I don’t even know how many people… but it has touched and inspired me. So I hope that you will find some strength to go on… You have a purpose and calling… don’t let the enemy steal that! Praying for you!

  8. Dearest Lilly Hope,
    I literally just found your website and I’m reading about your current state of pain and I’m sending my love, support and words to let you know that others understand. Please know you can do this. You have made it this far. I’ve only read a handful of posts and it is clear that your willingness to share your own personal pain filled journey has inspired and supported so many. I wish to honor and recognize your journey with my words and sentiments and to let you know that your are supported in my thoughts and prayers.

    Only you know what is best for you and I pray that your prayers are answered swiftly and are provided for the highest and best outcomes for the next steps in your journey. May you receive blissful moments of relief and respite that your weary soul needs at this time. With gratitude!

  9. Praying this is an expression of your feelings and not a statement of intended action. I too have felt like this. It is SO hard to hold on. But it IS worth it. These feelings will pass, and expressing them helps. With love & prayers xx

  10. ❤❤ wish we could help you in any way ❤❤

  11. Please don’t do this. You have helped many people with your blog and your story, so you have far more worth in this world than you think you do right now. Try some mindfulness activities right now. Take a walk, do something nice for yourself (even if you don’t want to), meditate, listen to some music you love, paint, do some gardening, whatever takes your mind off this. Try to listen to the moment. Sending my prayers. Remember that this feeling is temporary — eventually it will pass. The “solution” you refer to is permanent.

  12. Thank you to everyone. You don’t know how much your compassion has meant to me.

    I don’t think I could get through this without the kindness of people who follow my blog and posts.

    You truly have saved my life and for that, I am eternally grateful.

    Much love to you all, Lilly ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  13. I am late to respond here on your blog, but you have been on my mind & in my feeble prayers since I read this.

    Hope you have turned a small corner. I kinda in a small way get you. I longed for death so many times when I couldn’t stand the excruciating agony of living with massive internal pain.

    What you have suffered is unimaginable.

    You are remarkable, a gift to so many, such beautiful soul. Always giving to others, so much beauty & wisdom from the ashes of your life. Love, Gail xo

  14. You are important. You are special. You are strong even in the worst of times. I hate all you are going through and have had those same feelings. … . It’s a horrible place to be yet think of the many thousands that can see themselves through your eyes. Your life and writing exactly how you feel helps me personally and if you weren’t here how devastating it would be for all of us that love and follow you. Please sweet Lilly hold on and reach out for help. You are precious to many of us. Remember, many of us are praying for you Lilly. ❤

    • I totally agree with what you are saying Shannon.. you are so loved by many of us Lilly
      If only you would en could feel this.. ❤❤
      Hold on …

  15. I understand…
    I was begging to die last night. 😦
    But lets stay strong and alive for each other…
    I have a daughter who needs me…and I need you and your wisdom to overcome this…You have helped so many with your writings….

  16. I’m saddened by what you’ve been through. Most of us who follow your blog have also experienced those dark nights of the soul with excruciating anguish, when all one can do is cry for hours, sometimes days. I feel better after releasing these toxic emotions. Screaming and cussing while I’m in the car, driving on the freeway was also another outlet I found helpful. It’s private and no one can hear me.
    But I’m glad to read your most recent post. I’m glad that you’ve come around and that the kind and compassionate words offered by CPTSD community here has helped you pull through. You are a source of inspiration and wisdom for all of us here. Don’t let go. You’re best revenge is to live the rest of your life well. Sending you lots of love through the ether…💕💕💕