Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

When I Needed The Mother Figure The Most….. I Realised I Did Not Have One

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I’ve written about my maternal transference issues in counselling. It had been discussed and I know that’s normal, for someone like me. And it’s supposed to be a healthy and healing relationship.

I realise now, with my mother recently dying, my need for my counsellor to be that mother figure has been at it’s greatest. And I’m pretty sure as a counsellor, she should know that.

When I broke my hand, and doctors who are strangers to me, were very concerned these ongoing blood pressure issues should have been sorted out many months ago, it felt like strangers cared more about my health, than my ‘mother figure’ counsellor.

That was really painful, scary, fear inducing and hurtful to come to realise.

Then when I was upset, because I felt like my ‘mother figure’ didn’t care about me, or my health and clearly thought my BP issues were no big deal, she got angry, defensive. And totally failed to admit my BP issues clearly are a problem, or that she should have said 6 months ago I should go to my GP and see if tests are needed. And she continued to be angry with me, even knowing I was suicidal.

A mother would not do that.

That is not how a mother figure would act.

It shows she doesn’t care, and she doesn’t have to. She doesn’t have to care, like me, believe me, or anything. I’m just a client. But, as a ‘mother figure’ you would.  To me, I felt let down, uncared for, like she thinks I’m a drama queen, is still trivialising my BP issues…… and that is a reflection of my own mothers attitude.

And my broken hand shows, I am not a drama queen at all. I don’t exaggerate and if I say I am dizzy a lot, have blacked out on the stairs, I am telling the truth. And my GP now dealing with it stated if I had presented to her with the symptoms I was having 6 months ago…. she would have done all these tests then. So, she would have taken it seriously and as the potential bigger issue it clearly is.

This whole situation just shows……. when I needed a mother figure the most……… I got it the least.

And that really hurt. Still hurts.

I have to grieve not only my mothers death………. but the death (loss) of the mother figure I thought I had.

And deal with the pain and aloneness that results.

There’s a lot more I could write about this, but it’s hard typing with my left hand.

broken hand

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “When I Needed The Mother Figure The Most….. I Realised I Did Not Have One

  1. I’m sorry. This type of transference is so painful for so many different reasons. Glad your doctor is now aware of the seriousness of your health issues and helping you. Praying for healing!

  2. It is extremely painful to realize very suddenly that someone we thought we could count on really isn’t someone we can count on.

    For me it feels like the Gaslighting my mom deliberately did to me and it then triggers severe Complex PTSD symptoms. Mainly suicide ideation.

    It is very difficult for me to tell what’s going on with people towards me because everything feels like Gaslighting.

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