Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I’m So Scared I Have Serious Heart Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario


sad distance


My blood pressure health issues, are really scaring me. I’ve been saying for months there’s something wrong with me. But having it dismissed as trivial, led me to believe I ‘must’ be irrational.

Then I blacked out, and broke bones in my hand. And strangers to me – doctors in the hospital – were really concerned. My regular GP has arranged many tests and wants me to see a specialist – ASAP. And advised me not to wait on the public health system.

I’ve done a lot of research over the last 5 years. I know the damage toxic stress does to physical health. I know having PTSD all my life, increases my risk for heart disease and other issues – considerably.

I have genetic heart issues in my family.

I know my ongoing tiredness and exhaustion, are further symptoms.

I’m terrified I will need heart surgery, or will have a heart attack, stroke. Die. My children will lose their mother and lose the parent that genuinely loves and cares about their wellbeing.

And I’m not going to feel that’s wrong. I’m allowed to be worried about potential life threatening health issues. I’m allowed to be scared.

A very kind therapist has been offering me support about this, via messages. She understands and had validated my fears, whilst also re-assuring me of all the heart surgeries done every day and how amazing the technologies and procedures are these days. I’ve really appreciated her kindness.

I’m trying to take my mind off it. And everything else that’s horrible, going on in my life. It’s why my internet use has increased, and I’m also watching a lot of TV. I can’t delude myself that it’s healthy distraction. I know it’s my ‘freeze’ trauma coping style. I zone out, to suppress my fears and emotions. It’s all I am capable of doing at the moment.

So in between writing blogs, posters, social media, and TV, are emotions of fear, anxiety and feeling a loss of control over my own body, that scares me deeply.

And time – and all these tests….. will tell, as to whether I do have serious physical health issues.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

10 thoughts on “I’m So Scared I Have Serious Heart Issues ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. I just said a prayer for you, Lilly. I understand your fear and yes it is normal. I can relate, too, because I am having surgery tomorrow — Monday — to remove and biopsy a cyst. This is my second surgery in 2 months. Not fun.

    I am new to your blog but not new to PTSD. Like you, I have had PTSD my whole life. In my case, my PTSD goes back to my very first childhood memory in the mid 1950s, several decades before PTSD became an official psychiatric diagnosis.

    But I am still here, and still amazingly healthy, all things considered! I am praying that your health will improve, too. God bless you!

  2. Dearest Lilly, I am thinking of you, praying and hoping this reaches you with comforting (((virtual hug)))

  3. I’m very sorry for your health issues, Lilly! I hope you can get some answers and begin to feel better. The not knowing seems to multiply symptoms. Of course, it increases our fears.

    I have a long list of medical issues, myself. Tomorrow morning I’ll learn about what’s growing in my pelvis. I have had 2 grapefruit sized growths in the past. A total of 5 abdominal surgeries to date. I have been telling the doctors, for well over a year, that I felt I had something growing again. My gastro tried o have a cat scan with contrast done but it was denied by my insurance saying my symptoms didn’t meet the need for it.

    Saying prayers that we will both come through these health issues with very little trouble. ❤ ❤

  4. Lilly, the medical community is top notch and have access to many new things these days. I had an undiagnosed heart condition and was running 6 miles a day and doing Tai Aerobics thinking the tiredness was just part of it all. I was in one of those classes and a nurse attending it too told me to come to the restroom and to look in the mirror and my lips were turning purple. I was concerned but my FP doctor went to the same gym and she thought it was a flute and nothing to worry about so approved me to keep exercising. One day my husband left to go to the store and within 5 minutes I was drenched with sweat from my head to my toes…and was very weak.. it looked like I had taken a shower. He rushed home and called an ambulance and for a week they ran all kinds of tests but the last day I got a top notch Cardiologist that saved my life. He was very young and most discounted him as having no experience to me. BUT to me he was a Dr. House who never stops until he figured out what was wrong. He took me downstairs and had me swallow a camera and it showed I had two holes in my heart. He had me lift weights lying down on a table behind my head where he put them in my hands and told me to bring them up to my face on each side and I couldn’t do it. Not knowing the weight size I was telling him I was going to drop them he better get them and he finally did and I asked how much they weighed .. 5 pounds each. So, I knew something was wrong. He later came into our room and told us I needed open heart surgery asap to repair it. I was at complete peace.. I had spoken with a childhood friend who was a Cardiac nurse and whose husband was a Cardiologist both retired.. they were a huge blessing. I asked her to be honest and if they had anyone die on the table and she said in all the 35 years having little babies to older adults they never lost one patient! I had the surgery and in ICU for a day and put in a room and for the first time in a long time was able to walk around the nurses station and back to my room 4 times that day without being exhausted. It felt wonderful. This was in 2011 and I’m sure the medical field has only gotten better.

    You will be in my prayers for wisdom for the doctors to figure out the problem and a peace like I had .. .. it only came from God. I ate a salmon dinner the night before my surgery and slept like a baby! God took care of me and I feel sure He will you also.

    Love you sweet Lilly ❤ ❤

    • Shannon, thank you so much for sharing your story! Very comforting and reassuring!

      • Thank you Jules… I just know in my case open heart surgery was not hard and how much better I felt afterward. God was in control.

  5. Lilly, am saying this healing prayer for you everyday…..
    “Every cell of Lilly’s body is radiating with God’s healing energy and she is made well and whole. Amen.”