My blood pressure health issues, are really scaring me. I’ve been saying for months there’s something wrong with me. But having it dismissed as trivial, led me to believe I ‘must’ be irrational.
Then I blacked out, and broke bones in my hand. And strangers to me – doctors in the hospital – were really concerned. My regular GP has arranged many tests and wants me to see a specialist – ASAP. And advised me not to wait on the public health system.
I’ve done a lot of research over the last 5 years. I know the damage toxic stress does to physical health. I know having PTSD all my life, increases my risk for heart disease and other issues – considerably.
I have genetic heart issues in my family.
I know my ongoing tiredness and exhaustion, are further symptoms.
I’m terrified I will need heart surgery, or will have a heart attack, stroke. Die. My children will lose their mother and lose the parent that genuinely loves and cares about their wellbeing.
And I’m not going to feel that’s wrong. I’m allowed to be worried about potential life threatening health issues. I’m allowed to be scared.
A very kind therapist has been offering me support about this, via messages. She understands and had validated my fears, whilst also re-assuring me of all the heart surgeries done every day and how amazing the technologies and procedures are these days. I’ve really appreciated her kindness.
I’m trying to take my mind off it. And everything else that’s horrible, going on in my life. It’s why my internet use has increased, and I’m also watching a lot of TV. I can’t delude myself that it’s healthy distraction. I know it’s my ‘freeze’ trauma coping style. I zone out, to suppress my fears and emotions. It’s all I am capable of doing at the moment.
So in between writing blogs, posters, social media, and TV, are emotions of fear, anxiety and feeling a loss of control over my own body, that scares me deeply.
And time – and all these tests….. will tell, as to whether I do have serious physical health issues.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
All rights reserved.
No part of any entry/blog, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, screenshots, copying & pasting, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods.
This includes adaptations in all forms of media.