Right now, I am aware I am overwhelmed and I know this leads to confusion.
Yesterday, I went from thinking very strong thoughts about what I needed to do for my own wellbeing, to feeling totally confused about all that.
I don’t think I know what to for myself right now.
I’m too tired, too scared about my physical health, too overwhelmed with huge issues about my husband.
I apologised to my counsellor for sending her text messages venting my upset at her. And I’ve deleted her number and email, so I cannot do it again. Part of true apologies, is doing all you can to ensure it doesn’t happen again. And I see the person I hurt the most in sending hurtful texts, was me. Because now I don’t have that ability to connect with her when I’m struggling.
She apologised to me too and said with hindsight, it would have been better to have advised me to go to my regular GP for the blood pressure issues months ago. And I think she kind of understood why I felt so let down, uncared for and why that sent me into a spiral, especially as my mother recently died.
I talked about my feelings for her and how they are real and not just transference and how difficult that is to deal with. She understood that.
She is actually on holidays this week, but she wanted to see me yesterday, which she didn’t have to do. She told me she does care about me.
I can see when I am in a fear related spiral, I do take one thing she has done wrong, and panic about that, and totally discount all the good/caring things she has done. And I know I have to deal with that.
And I’m so tired and dealing with a lot, so now I’m trying to just rest.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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