Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I’m So Tired, So Overwhelmed & So Confused

3 Comments

Right now, I am aware I am overwhelmed and I know this leads to confusion.

Yesterday, I went from thinking very strong thoughts about what I needed to do for my own wellbeing, to feeling totally confused about all that.

I don’t think I know what to for myself right now.

I’m too tired, too scared about my physical health, too overwhelmed with huge issues about my husband.

I apologised to my counsellor for sending her text messages venting my upset at her. And I’ve deleted her number and email, so I cannot do it again. Part of true apologies, is doing all you can to ensure it doesn’t happen again. And I see the person I hurt the most in sending hurtful texts, was me. Because now I don’t have that ability to  connect with her when I’m struggling.

She apologised to me too and said with hindsight, it would have been better to have advised me to go to my regular GP for the blood pressure issues months ago. And I think she kind of understood why I felt so let down, uncared for and why that sent me into a spiral, especially as my mother recently died.

I talked about my feelings for her and how they are real and not just transference and how difficult that is to deal with. She understood that.

She is actually on holidays this week, but she wanted to see me yesterday, which she didn’t have to do. She told me she does care about me.

I can see when I am in a fear related spiral, I do take one thing she has done wrong, and panic about that, and totally discount all the good/caring things she has done. And I know I have to deal with that.

And I’m so tired and dealing with a lot, so now I’m trying to just rest.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “I’m So Tired, So Overwhelmed & So Confused

  1. Lord God, I come to You tonight in behalf of Lilly. Her needs are great and pressing. You are a good God who shows mercy to those in most need. May that be true tonight for her. Give her a a night of rest in Your peace; through Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God now and forever. Amen

  2. You are going through so much right now. Rest, self care, is a very good idea.
    I have tried every kind of therapy treatment for my lifelong complex/developmental PTSD, and nothing has worked like neurofeedback. I learned about the efficacy of neurofeedback for treating developmental trauma, in Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk’s landmark book, The Body Keeps The Score. This treatment is not covered by health insurance yet, although it certainly should be. But oh is it ever worth it, if you can possibly afford to do it! I had to pay with credit cards, but I am so glad I did. Just think what we pay for our houses and cars. Paying for mental health and peace of mind should be no less a priority!
    I just wish that everyone who can benefit from neurofeedback, could have it done. I am 64 years old, I have had PTSD since I was a child, and I have been living on disability for the past 9 years, because my PTSD became that severe. I have tried drug therapy, talk therapy with many different therapists, cognitive behavioral therapy, and EMDR. I have read a library’s worth of self help books, and I have wuoted positive affirmations until I was blue in the face — but nothing has helped me like neurofeedback, which I started in February of this year. I feel like a brand new woman! At age 64!!
    I am praying for you to get through this rough time. Never, ever give up on yourself. My PTSD was at its worst when I was a teenager in the 1960s. This was more than a decade before PTSD became an official psychiatric diagnosis, and even then, for many years it was only considered a malady of war veterans. When I was 14, my Complex PTSD was misdiagnosed as schizophrenia. Then my abusive parents jumped at the chance to put me in a state insane asylum, one of those huge Gothic style human warehouses that has since been closed and torn down. I spent the longest two years of my life in that horrible hell.
    But today I am calm, happy, and grateful for my life. Today, my therapist says that I no longer seem to have PTSD, and I agree. If I can go from where I was to where I am today, there is hope for anyone. And it doesn’t have to take 50 years of suffering!
    I am praying for you. ❤

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