Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why It Can Be An Act Of Greater Love For Children – To Stay In A Relationship With A Narcissist ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 Comments

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One perspective about being in a relationship with a narcissist and having children is….

Some choose to stay to protect their children, because if you split up – the toxic person will get to see the children and the decent parent will not be there to know what’s happening. And the decent parent cannot help the children, if they don’t know what they are being subjected to.

So staying together enables the decent parent to be aware of everything going on.

Plus, there are so many people who suffer through terrible divorces and go through hell trying to co-parent with a narcissist.

And the children suffer the most.

In some (not all) situations – it is an act of greater love for the children, to remain in the relationship.

And if that is the decent parent’s choice, no-one gets to say that is wrong. Especially the black and white thinking ‘no contact warriors’.

I realise this post is not what many want to read, but that is about someone’s own life experiences and lacking empathy for other people’s decisions. And it is very judgemental.

No one gets to judge others for making this decision.

I have no judgement for people who choose to leave, end the relationship or to stay. Because every situation is different and sometimes the children suffer more when the parents split.

(Just to clarify, this is not in any way about people in abusive relationships where safety is in danger, or where abuse is affecting the decent parent to the point where it impacts their wellbeing in a way that cannot be managed. And I have had people write to me and tell me the worst thing they did was end the relationship, as their children suffered more as a result.)

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Why It Can Be An Act Of Greater Love For Children – To Stay In A Relationship With A Narcissist ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. i can see it both ways. The choice is very very hard. No one should ever judge another for their choice to leave or stay.

  2. Well said Lilly. I applaud you for articulating a middle road position, that takes courage and presence of mind.
    I am facing a similar position with my wife who (I believe) is on the spectrum and my daughters are grown and have left home? Obviously it would be relatively easy for me to leave now but I think it very important to ‘fully own’ the potential down side.
    I have only recently began unpacking cptsd issues from my childhood as well. My life is changing so profoundly with this that it also seems like a bad time for me to make another life shifting position? Also, as I shake off the chains of my cptsd I see real positive change in my wife. We’ve come so far already (married 28 years) that exercising some more patience is emerging for me as a good option.
    I should add, that at the beginning of the year when I began therapy, for the first time ever, I put my wife on notice that change must come or we are finished? Of course that was not easy, but I’m so glad that I did. I have felt so taken for granted and disrespected for so long I came to a place where I (as a Christian) had to open my heart to the possibility that divorce might be a good option?
    I think I will be able to review my options in 6-12 months and leaving could be an outcome. Giving myself that permission is healing, liberating and empowering and God seems to be okay with that as well which I very much appreciate.
    I had a light bulb moment this week with my therapist when I realised that a spouse from a (short lived) previous marriage was likely manic depressive / bi-polar. Her impulsive, iron clad decisions back in the day caused untold devastation. We need to know ourselves in moments of terrible stress when faced with a life changing decision.
    Sorry I have rambled a bit ..

    • Please don’t apologize for rambling, I am glad you wrote your response.
      I think like all situations, there does not have to be a black and white view of either you have to stay or you have to leave.
      Every situation is different and every person can decide their choice and I support that.
      Lilly 💜💙

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