I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since being a teenager. My first attempt was around the age of 13 years, due to such heinous abuse I was enduring. And it wasn’t a cry for help, or attention seeking. I really wanted to die.
I’ve had Complex PTSD since being a child. The hyper-vigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the terminal aloneness and hopelessness, the threat of impending doom, and the suicidal thoughts have been in my life for 4 decades.
I think the suicidal thoughts can be due to wanting the terrible pain to end and also knowing I can end my life if it becomes too much – as a way out. It’s like an unhealthy coping strategy.
I’ve suffered heinous sexual, emotional, psychological abuse from being a young child onwards.
My mother was a heinous woman who exploited me to be sexually abused by the ‘family friends – paedophiles, sex offenders, psychopaths. And decades of abuse after that.
The emotional pain and suffering cannot be understood unless it’s been endured.
This year is a really bad year. My ex husband died, shortly followed by my mothers death. I’ve got serious health issues. And I’ve had come to terms with knowing my husband is a dark triad domestic violence abuser.
And there’s been huge issues going on in my counselling, where the last time I was suicidal – my counsellor defended my husband and defended his psychopath, sexual deviance, narcissistic behaviours. While I was suicidal. And all because she was pissed at me for calling her names. What has resulted is knowing she does not care about me at all, and never did. She clearly couldn’t have cared less if I had left there and killed myself. And, therefore she is not a safe person to be around when suicidal.
So, I have no-one to contact when suicidal.
Last week I was suicidal. I told my husband to tell my children I died of a heart attack. I think he actually wants me to kill myself, because he would be better off without me. And he could play the grieving widower role, which he would enjoy faking. He’s certainly been provoking me enough to the point where I have told him to find somewhere else to live.
I dealt with these suicidal thoughts alone. I sat with them and willed myself to get through it a minute at a time. I told myself over and over my children need me. It was enough to get me through.
I could have gone to the hospital, but I hate having to tell people who don’t even know me – how I feel. And then being chucked out because I’m not ‘actively suicidal’. I have no insurance for decent mental health emergency care.
I just closed down and kept myself safe as best I could.
I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time now. I know how to get through it, although I am aware my thoughts have been more serious when I am planning it.
But, I am very used to dealing with this terrible suffering alone.
It’s how it’s always been.
I hope it won’t always be this way.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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