Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Dealing With Complex PTSD Suicide Ideation & Thoughts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 Comments

apain

 

I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since being a teenager. My first attempt was around the age of 13 years, due to such heinous abuse I was enduring. And it wasn’t a cry for help, or attention seeking. I really wanted to die.

I’ve had Complex PTSD since being a child. The hyper-vigilance, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, the terminal aloneness and hopelessness, the threat of impending doom, and the suicidal thoughts have been in my life for 4 decades.

I think the suicidal thoughts can be due to wanting the terrible pain to end and also knowing I can end my life if it becomes too much – as a way out. It’s like an unhealthy coping strategy.

I’ve suffered heinous sexual, emotional, psychological abuse from being a young child onwards.

My mother was a heinous woman who exploited me to be sexually abused by the ‘family friends – paedophiles, sex offenders, psychopaths. And decades of abuse after that.

The emotional pain and suffering cannot be understood unless it’s been endured.

This year is a really bad year. My ex husband died, shortly followed by my mothers death. I’ve got serious health issues. And I’ve had come to terms with knowing my husband is a dark triad domestic violence abuser.

And there’s been huge issues going on in my counselling, where the last time I was suicidal – my counsellor defended my husband and defended his psychopath, sexual deviance, narcissistic behaviours. While I was suicidal. And all because she was pissed at me for calling her names. What has resulted is knowing she does not care about me at all, and never did. She clearly couldn’t have cared less if I had left there and killed myself. And, therefore she is not a safe person to be around when suicidal.

So, I have no-one to contact when suicidal.

Last week I was suicidal. I told my husband to tell my children I died of a heart attack. I think he actually wants me to kill myself, because he would be better off without me. And he could play the grieving widower role, which he would enjoy faking. He’s certainly been provoking me enough to the point where I have told him to find somewhere else to live.

I dealt with these suicidal thoughts alone. I sat with them and willed myself to get through it a minute at a time. I told myself over and over my children need me. It was enough to get me through.

I could have gone to the hospital, but I hate having to tell people who don’t even know me – how I feel. And then being chucked out because I’m not ‘actively suicidal’. I have no insurance for decent mental health emergency care.

I just closed down and kept myself safe as best I could.

I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time now. I know how to get through it, although I am aware my thoughts have been more serious when I am planning it.

But, I am very used to dealing with this terrible suffering alone.

It’s how it’s always been.

I hope it won’t always be this way.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “Dealing With Complex PTSD Suicide Ideation & Thoughts ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. Dont know what to say….because I get it….and there isnt anything to make it go away or feel better…..Except…your sharing helps me …feel Im not the only one struggling

  2. I understand wanting the pain to go away. I will tell you you must keep hanging on. You can not leave your children to be raised without their mother. You will get better through what you are doing here. You can not miss the future milestones in your life. They are worth the struggle just for the joy of each life event. Life is fluid. You will have times when you can’t take the pain any longer but you must remember just around the corner is a new beginning, a breakthrough, a new life event, a life changing event. Make it happen. If you can write to help all these people you can make it one day at a time.

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