Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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I Am The Text Book Case Of A Childhood Complex Trauma Survivor – Who’s Adult Relationships Were With Toxic People ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

lonely-woman

 

I’ve never had one healthy relationship with adults. My relationships from childhood onwards – have all been with unhealthy, toxic, selfish people who do not love me.

I am that classic textbook case of being a severe childhood abuse survivor – particularly being a childhood sexual abuse survivor – that goes on to have relationships with abusive, toxic people in adulthood.

Both of my marriages were with unhealthy people – both abusive, both selfish to the core. And I was so messed up by my terribly abusive childhood – I assumed they were healthy and I wrongly assumed they loved me. When both of these men only loved themselves. Narcissistic to the core.

I was given crumbs of what seemed like caring behaviours, and I assumed that was love. It was all fake, all lies, but I was so needy for kindness – I took it.

I knew nothing better.

Because I had never been shown love.

This has been in every type of relationship throughout my adult life.

I have a pattern – of accepting crumbs and thinking that’s all I deserved.

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“I’ve been dying…For something real… But I’ve been dying for something real” – Lana Del Rey

A song that has significant meaning to me about someone I am grieving.

Lyrics

I don’t belong in the world
That’s what it is
Something separates me from other people
Everywhere I turn
There’s something blocking my escape

It took thirteen beaches to find one empty
But finally it’s mine
With dripping peaches
I’m camera ready
Almost all the time

But I still get lonely
And baby only then
Do I let myself recline?
Can I let go?
And let your memory dance
In the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line

It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real

It took thirteen beaches to find one empty
But finally I’m fine
Past Ventura
And lenses plenty
In the white sunshine

But you still can find me
If you ask nicely
Underneath the pines
With the daisies
Feeling hazy
In the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line

It hurts to love you
But I still love you
It’s just the way I feel
And I’d be lying
If I kept hiding
The fact that I can’t deal
And that I’ve been dying
For something real
That I’ve been dying
For something real

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