I have been dealing with so much over the last few months and it’s completely overwhelmed me. My depression is severe now.
I broke my hand a few months ago, due to my blood pressure issues. I went to the hospital appointments while it needed x-raying and various casts, splints. But I didn’t follow up with the OT or physiotherapy I need on it.
I was also meant to have had a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours. I didn’t go to the appointment. I know that’s needed before any other heart tests can be done.
I just don’t care enough about myself to have the self care I need at the moment. I don’t care if I have heart issues or my hand doesn’t heal. I think part of me just wants to die. And another part of me is scared to find out I have heart issues.
I know I’m severely depressed, and in deep avoidance. I think a part of me has just given up.
That’s how bad things are.
And my doctor/counsellor said I am the most depressed I’ve been for several years.
So my doctor/counsellor has arranged for me to be hospitalised in order to have all the tests done within a few days, for the blood pressure, potential hearts issues. I’ll be in for possibly 4 days, maybe less.
I also need my medication increased for my depression. And this will happen while in hospital too.
I hate hospitals. My anxiety about having to be there for several days, is pretty bad. I don’t want to be away from my children.
But, I know I have to do it. Because I can’t look after myself the way I should. I am thankful I have a doctor/counsellor who is dealing with the care I need, that I am not doing for myself.
The only thing that will force me to go into hospital, is my children. I know I have to do this for them. I know they need me.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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