I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.
I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.
But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.
I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.
I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.
I just want peace.
I just want this hell to end.
I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then Continue reading