Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Self Harm & Daydreaming About Death – Are How I Now Cope To Barely Stay Alive

10 Comments

justwanttodie

 

I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.

I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.

But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.

I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.

I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.

I just want peace.

I just want this hell to end.

I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then when in severe pain and suffering. I can’t bring myself to talk about how I self harm. It’s a depth of shame I can barely acknowledge, let alone speak of.

This is how I know how severe my situation now is.

I don’t know that I’m going to cope much longer.

The need for death is too great.

My capacity to cope, is reducing.

I’ve tried doing things that are supposed to make me feel better. They don’t.

I fear at some point my pain, need for death, for peace, for the pain to end and the lack of capacity to cope…. will likely result in my death.

And as wrong as it may be to admit, I look forward to it.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

 

 

 

 

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

10 thoughts on “Self Harm & Daydreaming About Death – Are How I Now Cope To Barely Stay Alive

  1. I’m praying for you.

  2. I am so sorry for your suffering and pain. I am now 63 and have been in recovery since my late 20’s – with numerous relapses into hopelessness fueled by self abusive behaviors and thought patterns. After my last suicide attempt, an acquaintance read to me from Adrienne Rich’s book Lies, Secrets and Silence the section entitled Notes on Women and Honor. That night I realized that my life came down to two choices – I can die alone with myself or die alone without myself. I want to die alone with myself. I am a long way from being able to do that – though getting closer. The closer I get to myself, the more connected I feel within and to others and the less I want to end my life. I want to take in all the moments of smelling green grass and ocean air. Also hearing the sound of mourning doves and a baby’s laughter – hearing the rustle of leaves in the wind – seeing the blue sky above – feeling snow flakes falling on my cheeks. I did not experience any of these much of my life, but I do experience them now. They are heartfelt and MY version of an honorable life. I hold out hope to you. I hold you in my heart.

  3. Dear Lilly, I’m so sorry to hear of your deep suffering. Please hang in there, we need you as well.
    I’ll be praying for you.

  4. Hugs…..I wish I could do more….thats all I have ….Hugs for you

  5. Hi Lilly, Hel-lo

    I read your Life-Impacting Symptoms of Complex PTSD on the Mighty, followed it to your website, followed it to your Blog below that I just read.

    Every word you wrote on “Life-Impacting Symptoms of Complex PTSD” describes what I feel and how I react.

    And so,
    I followed it here to your blog.

    Every word you say in the blog describes how I am feeling right now. I cried.

    You touched what I have not yet been able to articulate.

    ————————————————-

    Then I checked the date. IT IS TODAY!

    Lilly – HOLD ON – Your middle name is HOPE.
    HOPE that there will be better days, a stronger you – that hasn’t felt like giving up.
    HOPE that you find the magic key that cures the past and the destruction of “normal life” that it caused.

    Your message is unique.
    Because, you are both the Lab Rat as well as the scientist.
    You have the unique perspective – from inside the prison
    If this Lab Rat goes, so does the scientist – and there will be no cure.

    I feel that you are getting so close to the truth girl, and the start of a greater understanding of a certain type of human condition.

    Do nothing – hope that tomorrow will be a less worse day for you.

    Your message is the truest I’ve ever read, and I have read so much.

    Lets check in tomorrow.? You haven’t finished yet. You are on the cusp of a bringing a new understanding.

    I feel your pain. I do. But my today was better than my yesterday.
    And I live in hope there will be better days than my today.

    You have such beauty and this gift inside you.
    Be here for your children.
    Be here for the rest of us who you speak for.

    Love, from someone that your insight has touched very, very deeply.
    Yesterday, today and I hope the days ahead.

    Kay

    ………………………………………………………………………..

    Self Harm & Daydreaming About Death – Are How I Now Cope To Barely Stay Alive
    August 27, 2017

    I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.

    I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.

    But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.

    I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.
    I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.
    I just want peace.
    I just want this hell to end.

    I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then when in severe pain and suffering. I can’t bring myself to talk about how I self harm. It’s a depth of shame I can barely acknowledge, let alone speak of.

    This is how I know how severe my situation now is.
    I don’t know that I’m going to cope much longer.
    The need for death is too great.
    My capacity to cope, is reducing.

    I’ve tried doing things that are supposed to make me feel better. They don’t.
    I fear at some point my pain, need for death, for peace, for the pain to end and the lack of capacity to cope…. will likely result in my death.

    And as wrong as it may be to admit, I look forward to it.

    ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  6. I’m glad you wrote this. This is an awful reality we live with. And worse still – no one who hasn’t felt this can understand, much less generate meaningful empathy. If just further isolates us and makes the shame even more vicious.

    I don’t know the way out. I wish I did. I’m sure you do too….It’s like the hedge maze in ‘The Shining’ – once you go in, it feels impossible to find your way out. Just stumbling around, running blindly into dead ends, endlessly back-tracking. Never really seen by anyone, and mostly not seen by the therapist who’s supposed to see you. Then hiding these feelings, because having someone, especially that particular someone, unable to be there is too much.

    Peace to all our inner children. May they sleep well tonight and may they feel protected by you.

  7. Dear, dear, dear Lilly, this breaks my heart, I am so sorry that you have suffered so much at the hands of so many. How I wish there was something I could do to help you. I felt much of what you describe for years, tried a few times to leave this world. You are a remarkable, insightful person. I hope & pray that your life will turn around & that you can be free from your circumstances. Sending you loving thoughts & prayers from Michigan in the USA.

  8. I’m so sorry you’re hurting Lilly. I wish I could hug you in person. I know the pain and hurt that is engulfing you. Don’t give up Lilly. I know you feel there is nothing to live for but your children and that is a HUGE thing! You, like me, never want our children to endure what we did in our lives. Think how they would feel if they lost you and only had their dad. ~ You are in my heart and prayers. Love you!

  9. Thank you everyone, your messages help more than you know.
    Thank you for your compassion and your empathy.
    I will keep trying to get through this.
    Much love to you all, Lilly ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  10. Dear Lilly
    Stay because you matter, because you deserve to be here, because you are a precious daughter of God, because you are unique, you are loved, you deserve happiness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could meet those of us who comment here? We would all hug you and love you, listen to you, care about you. The only way I stay sane is to rely on God, who made me and knows me. We are in an imperfect world, but there is also love. Long hugs xx

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