I now daydream about death. Every day. Dying of a heart attack. Or taking pills and never waking up. About the peace it will bring me. How it will get me out of a situation I cannot escape. How the pain will end.
I’m aware this would be considered a ‘maladaptive’ coping strategy and an unhealthy one. And I agree.
But, it’s all that’s keeping me alive. That and guilt about my children. I’m supposed to be strong enough for them. Yet, I don’t think I can be anymore.
I’m living a life I hate and don’t want to be in.
I’ve suffered too much and I need it over.
I just want peace.
I just want this hell to end.
I’m also physically self harming. Something I haven’t done since being an adolescent. It was how I coped then when in severe pain and suffering. I can’t bring myself to talk about how I self harm. It’s a depth of shame I can barely acknowledge, let alone speak of.
This is how I know how severe my situation now is.
I don’t know that I’m going to cope much longer.
The need for death is too great.
My capacity to cope, is reducing.
I’ve tried doing things that are supposed to make me feel better. They don’t.
I fear at some point my pain, need for death, for peace, for the pain to end and the lack of capacity to cope…. will likely result in my death.
And as wrong as it may be to admit, I look forward to it.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario