I went to counselling yesterday. I nearly didn’t go.
One thing I realised – that even when I’m at my worst – I can now fight for what I need – empathy.
It was a difficult session. I cried a lot. I tried my best to explain how painful it all feels. I explained to my counsellor I just needed empathy. Not her telling me what I should be doing, or pushing me to be stronger than I am capable of being.
I even told her of a quote I read…
“Empathy is not always insisting everything will be okay.
Sometimes it’s acknowledging that it’s not”
Another thing I noticed, is that even though I was very emotional…. I did manage to remain calm, not get to the point where I needed to just leave.
I’ve realised my counsellor is a ‘fixer’. She wants so much for people to be doing better and getting to a better place, she pushes me too hard sometimes. She doesn’t realise I truly am doing everything I can already. And I know this does not come from a bad place. She is showing compassion and doing what she thinks she needs to do – as a therapist.
But, sometimes I just need to cry, grieve, be heard and her to just acknowledge that. And know that when I am ready – I will do better. As I always do.
I stood up for my needs and she got there. She realised what I was asking for. She even acknowledged that she may push me too hard and I can say when she is doing this.
So, I am chalking this up to progress – for her and for me.
And as for standing up for what I need – when I am at my lowest – this was huge progress.
I also feel a little stronger today. So it was definitely a needed conversation.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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