Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Still waiting for admission to hospital….

Still waiting for admission to hospital for my blood pressure issues, that I know are now classed as chronic and they are potentially life threatening. Especially for someone my age to have these issues, as they are normally only occur in elderly people.

I’m aware the profound levels stress, anxiety and severe ongoing trauma I have endured over the last 46 years – has had a huge affect on my physical health, as well as my emotional/mental health.

Wish these tests were over, but thankful I live somewhere with a public health system. Continue reading


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When I’m Struggling – People’s Views About Abusers Are A Huge Trigger & Can Be Too Painful ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

boundaries-do-not-cross

 

Something I have realised over the last 5 years of counselling and processing all the severe trauma I have endured…….. is other people’s views and opinions about abusers can beΒ too hard, too painful and too emotional for me to deal with, particularly when I am struggling.

People are not ‘bad’ people for having their own needed views – and I get people need to believe whatever gets them through. And everyone can choose their beliefs and that’s okay. And I believe that people’s different views are okay for each individual person.

But, some beliefs are far too triggering. They often cause more damage and I’ve realised I need strong boundaries.

When we are struggling, it’s necessary to have boundaries and I know I need to stay away from anything that will push me over the edge.

I’ve learned to have my own boundaries and stay away from reading anything on the internet and social media – that will likely provoke an emotional overwhelm and triggers of the past.

I believe in emotional boundaries – our own to take responsibility for what we expose ourselves to….. and to keep away from other people’s views that hurt.

I’ve learned I can manage my triggers when I am really struggling. Not perfectly – but I am much better at this now. Continue reading


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So Thankful For My Son’s Teacher Telling Me About Her Ex Being A Narcissist

thankful today

I had to talk to my youngest son’s teacher this morning, about my son leaving school early today, for an appointment with a child psychologist. I decided to explain why and that his father is narcissistic. I didn’t know how that would be received, but I needed his teacher to understand how my son is being affected.

I am SO glad I did, because she totally understood and explained her ex – the father of her daughter – is also a narcissist and she has been through hell due to him over the last 6 years. She even had to have 6 months off work, due to him making her so ill emotionally, mentally and physically. She totally understood why I am currently physically unwell and the emotional and psychological toll and impact on all the family.

She said yesterday – Fathers Day – was awful for her and her daughter was upset and it was not a good time. I explained yesterday was not good for us either.

She totally understood everything I have been going through and the effect on my children. She said she has noticed my son zoning out a bit and she also said that he is such an intelligent boy, that he would no doubt be a straight A grade student, if it weren’t for these issues at home. And I appreciated her honesty and being so understanding of how his father is affecting him. Continue reading


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I Hate Fathers Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I have alwaysΒ dreaded Father’s Day and now this year, that has worsened. Today, I tried so hard today to make it okay for my 8 year old, but half the day has been horrendous.

The reality of how much abuse I have endured, throughout my entire life, is beyond painful to deal with. The reality of being groomed, conned and trapped into having children with what I now know is a narcissistic psychopathic man, is painful beyond description.

I feel terribly sad for my children. They deserve so much better than the father they have. And I feel sad for me for all I endured in my childhood. My birth father abandoned me, my step father abused me in heinous ways. And I’ve never has a father figure, or even a decent man in my life.

I am angry to the point of hatred – at being lied to and having children with someone so heinously manipulative and selfish. Who is a really poor father, who does bare minimumΒ and doesn’t have willingness to change that.

I feel sad for his daughter he willingly abandoned and couldn’t less about. I know Father’s day is hard for her too, because her father is a disgusting man.

My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.

I considered sending my counsellor a message, because I am so severely depressed. But she is probably enjoying a great day with her husband who is a good father to their children. And it would be selfish of me to be so negative and intrude into that. Continue reading