Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I Hate Fathers Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 Comments

I have always dreaded Father’s Day and now this year, that has worsened. Today, I tried so hard today to make it okay for my 8 year old, but half the day has been horrendous.

The reality of how much abuse I have endured, throughout my entire life, is beyond painful to deal with. The reality of being groomed, conned and trapped into having children with what I now know is a narcissistic psychopathic man, is painful beyond description.

I feel terribly sad for my children. They deserve so much better than the father they have. And I feel sad for me for all I endured in my childhood. My birth father abandoned me, my step father abused me in heinous ways. And I’ve never has a father figure, or even a decent man in my life.

I am angry to the point of hatred – at being lied to and having children with someone so heinously manipulative and selfish. Who is a really poor father, who does bare minimum and doesn’t have willingness to change that.

I feel sad for his daughter he willingly abandoned and couldn’t less about. I know Father’s day is hard for her too, because her father is a disgusting man.

My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.

I considered sending my counsellor a message, because I am so severely depressed. But she is probably enjoying a great day with her husband who is a good father to their children. And it would be selfish of me to be so negative and intrude into that.

My reality is, other than my counsellor, I have no-one to talk to. No-one to be there for me on really tough days.

Next Father’s Day, I am not getting up. My boys can be with their father if they wish, but I will just take pills that make me sleep and completely avoid the day altogether. It’s too painful to endure.

I hate Fathers Day.

And it will never be a good day.

Ever.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I Hate Fathers Day ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. The way you feel about father’s day is how I feel about my birthday, it sucks to have a day that everyone else seems to celebrate and enjoy and have it be such a dark and depressing day to you. Over the years it felt like my birthday was cursed but I never knew why and attributed it to an incident with a particularly insensitive and mean teach I had in grade 4. A few years ago I found out, through FB in a post my father shared, that I was born on the 21 year anniversary of the housefire that took the life of my grandfather and 2 of my 4 young aunts (ages 2 and 4). I knew about the fire but not the date of it and felt pretty upset that nobody bothered to tell me directly that the planned c-section was set for that date, and even more so that they never bothered to request a different date thereby leaving me with a birthday forever associated with a family tragedy. My counsellor suggested to me that instead of sticking to traditional customs, that I do something completely different on my birthday and remove the “normal” ideas and expectations surrounding that day, something she has done herself with mother’s day after losing her mother. It is a very isolating feeling when you seem to be the only one in the world that can’t celebrate a holiday or tradition the way the rest of the world appears to. Hugs to you.

  2. Oh can I relate with these feelings of loss deep gut wrenching sadness and abandonment that never go away. I am so sorry for your losses and keep up the great work with yourself and your boys. You are all worth the daily fight.

  3. Oh dear Lilly, I wished I could pay my arms around you and my English would be better, literally each and every word sounds so familiar to me, and I know the deepest loneliness, reading this brings tears in my eyes, my the universe let you know, you are not alone, so many all over the world are feeling with you.

  4. I hope that you feel a tiny bit better getting all that off your chest. Love how you don’t pussyfoot around what you are dealing with! You name your truth, & I believe that you open the floodgates for other wounded hearts to name theirs.

    The only silver lining in what you wrote is “My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.” You are raising great sons!

    Oh Lilly, I wish I didn’t live on the other side of the world bc I would visit with you, listen & pass the tissues. Sending you love & prayers.

  5. ‪@HealingCPTSD ‬ ‪Im so sorry For you,I have dealt with this too ,my only son starts college Tues.I always thought its their dead or his actions affecting my son but realized he cared more about me than I realize+very little about dad ,b|c smallest thing you do will affect them in ways you can’t imagine or change,we tend to think no one loves us or were worthless but my son has taught me I’m not ,he has saved me,I’m very honest with him and were very close,They need 1 positive parent to grow up good,My son also got upset Father Day-alcoholic,abusive abandoned .I lucky my dad help,but he has issues too, I told son to focus on what has, not what he’s missing and I tried my best to be positive ,funny ,communicate ,when I could ,and I had my son give me hug morning+night not crazy at first but now he loves it,he can tell without a word I’m having a bad day and he hugs me tight .Im praised on what a wonderful young man I raised-only thing I did right ,and I apologize to him on all I’ve done wrong ,be honest open , Lizzie Velasquez -Dare to be kind book ‬,I just started reading ,she was voted ugliest woman on YouTube ,severe bullying I can relate also She’s amazing ,I hope you find strength ,I get mine from God and music I love Lana del Rey ,Kesha new song praying is amazing and I love Halsey ,foxes I recently discovered love ,fall out boy ,icon for hire, linkin park ,katelyn tarver amazing voice great song –you don’t know -God bless you

  6. I hate fathers day too bùt I don’t have children. I can’t possibly imagine how much more challenging your day has been (((Lily)))
    I hope tomorrow (monday) is a little better for you. I don’t have any pearls of wisdom to offer but did want you to know that you have been heard and that I am sending you my love.

    Love All-ways
    Jane x

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