I have always dreaded Father’s Day and now this year, that has worsened. Today, I tried so hard today to make it okay for my 8 year old, but half the day has been horrendous.
The reality of how much abuse I have endured, throughout my entire life, is beyond painful to deal with. The reality of being groomed, conned and trapped into having children with what I now know is a narcissistic psychopathic man, is painful beyond description.
I feel terribly sad for my children. They deserve so much better than the father they have. And I feel sad for me for all I endured in my childhood. My birth father abandoned me, my step father abused me in heinous ways. And I’ve never has a father figure, or even a decent man in my life.
I am angry to the point of hatred – at being lied to and having children with someone so heinously manipulative and selfish. Who is a really poor father, who does bare minimum and doesn’t have willingness to change that.
I feel sad for his daughter he willingly abandoned and couldn’t less about. I know Father’s day is hard for her too, because her father is a disgusting man.
My 15 year even spoke today about what he clearly saw of his father doing wrong and the deliberately taunting me and intentionally making the already bad situation worse. Even my son can see exactly what his father is doing.
I considered sending my counsellor a message, because I am so severely depressed. But she is probably enjoying a great day with her husband who is a good father to their children. And it would be selfish of me to be so negative and intrude into that.
My reality is, other than my counsellor, I have no-one to talk to. No-one to be there for me on really tough days.
Next Father’s Day, I am not getting up. My boys can be with their father if they wish, but I will just take pills that make me sleep and completely avoid the day altogether. It’s too painful to endure.
I hate Fathers Day.
And it will never be a good day.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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