The results of my tests in hospital are:
- A debilitating, non curable, difficult to treat illness, that is potentially life threatening and unusual at my age. And if chronic – which mine is already – can lead to heart failure, heart attacks, stroke. http://www.mdedge.com/ccjm/article/95292/cardiology/preventing-and-treating-orthostatic-hypotension-easy-b-c
- A tiny hole in my heart.
- Possible mini stroke.
Have to have more tests as an outpatient. I guess that’s when they will talk about medication, or something to do with managing it. Maybe. If they can be bothered. The cardiologists were pretty blasé about it all. I suspect it would be different if I were someone with private health cover. Public health patients are often treated as though they don’t matter. I guess they deal with worse cardiology related issues: people dying, full heart attacks, open heart surgery etc. I’m sure if I have a full blown heart attack or major stroke – they might seem a little more concerned. Maybe.
I’m someone who does research and finds quality info and info that often the general public are not aware of. I’m not easily fobbed off by doctors who treat people like they don’t deserve to know the truth of their illness. Who treat people like it doesn’t matter if they die.
I’m trying to be okay with this new health info.
I’m aware my genetics (family of origin have heart/strokes etc), my severe trauma history, having PTSD all my life, now these actual issues occurring….. means my risk for life threatening issues occurring are greatly increased.
I’m pretty numb most of the time. I guess that survival mode kicking in.
I need to be strong for my kids.
So now dealing with chronic physical and mental health issues. I’ll do my best to manage all the symptoms and hope it’s enough.
And I’m at the point now where it’s easier to just tell most people what they want to hear… “I’ll be okay, I’m strong, I’ll beat this too … blah blah blah. People don’t want hear about your struggle, your fears, your pain. They want to hear what makes ‘them’ feel comfortable.
Something I’ve also learned in this………… is my entire life I have had my ‘stuff’ invalidated, minimized and trivialised….. and that still continues. It’s happening now about my physical health issues…. from doctors.
But, just because others choose to do that to me…….. doesn’t mean they are right, or that they are showing any kindness in what they are doing.
I’ve realised I’ve spent my life also minimizing my ‘stuff’ – as I was groomed to do by my ‘family’ who called me a drama queen anytime I tried to stand up for myself in regards to their mistreatment and abuse. I had to be the opposite of a drama queen and not care about my needs, or being mistreated and it led to other people all my life not caring about my needs, or caring about mistreating me either. And to them trivialising what I endure and the seriousness of it.
But, I do realise just how serious this all is. It’s really fucking serious. It’s life threatening serious. It’s – I could die or have a severe stroke and be incapacitated for the rest of my life – serious.
So, I know I have to make a bit more of an effort to demand this be taken seriously and for them not to just shrug me off. Even if I am only a ‘public system patient’.
I matter to my kids, even if no-one else cares.
And I’ve realised as a result of the last few months …. that I will always be my only true advocate.
It is what it is.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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