Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

39 Comments

I’ve accepted my health is really poor and as a result I will probably never work.

I cannot leave my current situation, because if I did – myself and my children would end up living in a caravan park. I cannot afford to pay the mortgage. I have no ability to find rental accommodation without a job. I cannot take those options and do this to my children. They are better off if I stay living where I am. It’s certainly not ideal for my children – but better than the alternatives.

This means I personally – will never be okay.

I cannot get well, or stronger living where I am in a toxic environment with an abuser.

I’ve thought about every option and the consequences of every option. The one I am forced to continue with, is the only one I have without hurting my children or making their lives worse in any way.

People often say everyone ‘must’ leave and ‘must go no contact’. If I had the capacity to work – I would. But that is not my reality. This overgeneralised advice from others – who either don’t have children, or have a situation that is different to mine – is harmful and hurtful for some people. Their lack of capacity to see ‘one size fits all advice’ – is very lacking in insight, and lacking in empathy – will unlikely change – so I don’t even try to discuss this anymore. Fixed black and white views are cognitively distorted thinking and I have no energy to argue.

I have no hope for my situation to improve.

I know my health issues are not curable, and will continue to worsen.

I have no time anymore for those who suggest I am not ‘positive enough’ and believe my situation to be different to the reality.  Shaming me in the process. 

My reality is mine to deal with, and I don’t have to defend it or even explain it to anyone.

I know my reality is not the same for everyone and I do believe for many – their situation, life and health can improve and I am so very thankful for that. Because that is what I want for everyone.

As I have nothing hopeful to say anymore with regards to my own life and journey – I won’t be blogging anymore.

I am so thankful to everyone who has encouraged me and this blog. I appreciate everyone and I wish I did have a better ending to my story – that could be a more hopeful one for others.

~Lilly Hope Lucario

 

 

 

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

39 thoughts on “I have nothing hopeful to say – so no longer blogging

  1. Dear Lilly,

    You don’t need to post positive stuff to keep blogging. I really want you to not cut yourself from the outside word.
    You matter. You matter to me. I know all too well what you feel…. And I’d be lying if I were to say that there is always a way etc etc etc…… Take all the time you need, take care of yourself.

    It hurts.
    Gosh it hurts. You are not a weight. You are not a hindrance. It is not your fault.

    I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that in person!

    You give so much support, you deserve just as much from all of us!!

    With all my love,
    ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

    • You have no idea how much your kindness and empathy mean to me. I am still crying 10 minutes after reading your message.
      It’s so sad to know I read words that matter so much from people I’ve never even met and I’ve never had that kindness from anyone physically in my life.
      But to read those words from someone who has taken the time to write them is truly so special to me and I cannot thank you enough.
      Your empathy and compassion are so beautiful and so rare.
      You are a beautiful soul.
      Much love to you, Lilly 💜💜💜💜💜

  2. Dear Lilly,

    I’ll ditto everything said already. I can very much empathise as I’ve been caught in a similar no-win situation due to physical ill-health (housebound, bedbound wheelchair user) and I also know how important it is that you remain in contact with the outside world, to be valued and validated yourself. Know that you matter to many of us.

  3. I’m crying reading this; my heart breaks for you. Your posters and blogs have helped me SO much in just the short time I’ve read them. If I can give you anything it would be this: your contribution to those who have been abused, traumatized, and devalued is priceless. I understand that you have to do what’s right for you and your children. I applaud your courage. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, 💜💜💜

  4. Sweet Lilly, my heart just breaks for your pain. Please know it’s OK to not blog … take all the time you need but please don’t cut yourself off from the outside.

    It was you that made this such a safe place for all of us. It was you that helped so many of us for many years… we could see ourselves in you. Thank you for sharing those hard moments. Your honesty helped so much.

    I hurt for you and wish I could hug you and tell you how much you matter in person. You have been through so much and now the physical impact also. I understand.

    If you need a change of scenery… come to my house. If you need to talk freely without judgement I will listen. If you need time …r I will wait for you. You are a gift. Remember how special a gift you really are.

    I love you Lilly. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. You matter to me too & I can echo the sentiments of all above. I have followed your blog for years now & have taken so much from it. I am truly so sorry to hear about your health problems and wish things could be better for you. You are so brave. Much love xx

  6. Thank you all. I really appreciate your messages and kindness 💜💜💜💜💜

  7. I am heartbroken for you & I don’t know what to say, other than I am so sorry, and that you are loved, your words have given me inspiration & strength. Wish there was more that I could offer you than mere words. I will miss you. God Bless you mighty one.

  8. My heart breaks for you. You are a strong person that has showed many others they are not alone. You are not alone. You are in our thoughts and prayers and well wishes. You offer so much to others. Thank you for the inspiration and strength and thank you for showing me I am not alone. ❤

  9. You are sacrificing MUCH for your children, may God give you strength to get you through every day ,- I know He did me… 💕

  10. Lilly,
    I just stumbled across your blog this evening. I am in recovery for some of the same issues. I was at celebrate Recovery tonight and realized, once again, that my life has become unmanageable. I set my mind to find truths about PTSD and introversion so that i can share, publicly, some tidbits of my scattered mind; hoping that those who know me will grow a deeper understanding of me.
    I saw this post and that is was only a week and a half ago. My heart started screaming for you! I was having a panic thinking and feeling how hopeless and helpless you feel. When I finally got the courage to get out of my lose-lose marriage, I remember crying on my dads shoulder telling him I was going to make it out alive. Not too long ago my health was declining and I was in another bad situation. I am not going to preach about how to get out, how to move on, or how to think positive. ( I know all to well how your are choosing the lesser of two evils for the kids’ sake) I know that it not what you need right now. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayer and I appreciate your vulnerability to put this out into the world! Stay strong!!
    Sister Survivour!

  11. Hey Lilly! I too just stumbled into your blog.. and I believe for a reason. Do you know that you were the FIRST google listing for me to come upon as I set my mind to attempt more healing today.. I searched ‘psychological abuse recover’ and there you were!
    Lily, I was thinking your children were older, but as you mention here their need for stability, etc (financially), I just have to ask you if they are affected by the toxicity in your/their home as well? This isn’t your fault, Lilly, and as much as you are encouraging others (I only wish I had found you a year or three ago!), are you forgetting yourself? What does he have you believing about yourself, and are you succumbing to it, dear?? I am assuming a lot here, but is it possible that you children will feel the same, if they have to be there much longer?
    My heart was aching reading some of your words thus far.. and not just on this entry. It IS SO difficult when others tell us ‘where we should be,’ or all the other ‘should’s, etc.’ We are already so warped by the years of gas lighting, etc. etc.. that those sorts of words truly make it worse.. make the questioning ourselves.. the defeat.. etc. etc. etc. etc.. unbearable.. indistinguishable.
    What if you perhaps closed comments.. or had someone else review them before posting? It seems to me that ALOT of women have been encouraged by you.. and I’m pretty sure WE ALL KNOW that we need a place to despair.. and it is so often not pretty. It even seems that there may be others that need you right now.. that are in the exact same situation as you right now.. and YOU are their only lifeline..?
    I left mine.. I tried to take my children.. I had no idea what we were going to do except head to the local women’s shelter. He kept my children. I have no atty. I have not a penny.. not for gas.. not for ANYTHING. I got into a place.. and yes, with my ‘issues (I’ve come to detest that word)’ too, I am having a great difficulty getting back into work (I previously did acctg.. but been a SAHM last 5-6 years).. It IS all terrible, awful, embarrassing, humiliating, depressing, and I DO question myself. BUT, what I do not have is the EVERY SINGLE DAY unbearable toxicity in my own home.. I can breathe, Lilly. I have been able to breath enough to figure out that I have been ‘abused’ from birth. I have the ability to every single day teensy bit by teensy bit, gain strength, so that one of these days I can stand in front of the judge and claim the truth and my children’s lives.. I have been hesitating bc I don’t have an atty and am scared almost to death to battle him and his.. well BOTH of mine.. I have two abusers that I have to battle my children for.. the other one slipped in (after never being in their lives) and ripped my older two out too. REGARDLESS.. Lilly.. here.. out here.. you are needed.. you are wanted.. and FOR YOURSELF.. please consider at least maintaining consistent contact with those that are in your same situation. I am praying for you.. for me.. and for all of us. May Our Lord have mercy on us.. and may He cover us with grace and blessing for enduring and pressing.. against the enemy.. ‘when having done all else.. STAND.’ You can do this, Lily.. maybe not today.. but don’t close the door.. and we want to help. I know you don’t know me, but I want to too. Love, as another sister

  12. Thank you everyone. I do truly appreciate the kindness and compassion.
    I’m doing the best I can each day. I’m going to counselling and I’m finding that difficult. My counsellor only responds well to ‘positivity’. So I’ve resorted to just telling her what she wants to hear.
    I live two lives now. The one everyone wants and expects. And the real me, who is so terribly alone and in pain.
    I keep going though for my children and do what I can each day.
    I’m doing my photography and it provides me with some distraction and some relief each day.
    Lilly 💙

    • (hugs) I truly understand living two lives – what people expect and the reality of pain and loneliness. I feel for you and what you are going through. There is no need to try to present a face of positivity – those of us who are living this daily know that this is not how it is.

      Just know that you are doing the best you can from one moment to the next (hugs)
      Katherine

  13. I have been reading your blog regularly but I haven’t commented..I find it hard to break the 4th wall and comment on blogs…but I love that I can hear my own truth echoed so consistently somewhere and I always appreciate SO much what you have to say, it is dead on and takes the words out of my mouths time and time again.

    Oh GOD how toxic-hope and positivity-bullshit drive me crazy as does overgeneralized directives/advice that aren’t relevant and attuned to my particularity.

    I just want to send a hug. It is REAl that what’s happening is what’s happening, and I’m so sorry you have to experience this ish right now. ARGHHH.

    *I also just wanted to pass along something else that came to mind as I read… (this is unsolicited so I feel tentative as I tend to hate people offering me things unsolicited when so often i’m not remotely asking for more tools or more things to read or DO i just need to NAME my reality… but all that being said, I felt moved to share another voice/writing that so resonates for me against positivity bullshit -in the case that you had any interest in reading/connecting to such a thing and if not, ignore this please!)

    -Emi Koyama has this piece “The Uses of Negativity: Survival and Coping Strategies for Those of Us Who Are Exasperated by the Empty Promise of “It” Getting “Better””

    “negative survivorship” – i love. I feel like I have been speaking this since I was a KID even, and I keep being drowned in a sea of positivity crap that’s getting into my pores even as I have never had an interest in bullshit, I just want to be with what IS and be allowed to name what is, it’s hard enough to have to experience it…you know?!?)

    http://eminism.org/blog/entry/404

    Anyway…sending a hug to you (if that’s ok by you.)
    -E

  14. Thank you to everyone who has commented in a supportive and compassionate way.

    I do truly appreciate it and I see and hear the warmth and kindness in your comments and thoughts ❤

    I will start blogging again when I am able to and I am thankful to know this blog and my articles continue to be read all around the world – helping many.

    Much love to all, Lilly
    ❤ ❤ ❤

    • I love what you write. It speaks loudly. You give voice to my pain and suffering. I hear you and love you greatly. Let my love wrap around you and protect you even a little.

  15. I hate you are having to pretend you’re OK. I know how hard that can be. I had to for many years and unfortunately still do now. It’s horrendous not being able to be the real Lilly. I hope one day this crazy world of sexual abused and hurt women from all walks of life will finally have their voice heard. Thank you Lilly for helping we who are hurt to be heard.

    ❤ ❤

  16. Dear Lilly, You are a beautiful person and don’t deserve any of this. You have already given so much to others and you don’t owe us anything. We just want you to focus on you but hope you come back when the time is right for you! You have so much to offer to the world and to all us out here like you. But you should only do it when it’s something that will help you too. Sometimes you have to stop giving for awhile to take care of yourself and other times you need to feel like you make a difference in the world. Only you know which it is for you. Please don’t add guilt to the burden you carry.

    I was in the same situation as you and understand. I stayed for many of the same reasons until two of my children were in college and the other in high school. I finally ended my marriage of 25 years, 9 years ago. It was even worse than I imagined and though I’m glad I finally did it, no one should tell you when it is right for you. There are so many things to consider, one of which that leaving causes things to be much worse before they get better and you need to be in the right place to get through it all. I too lost all hope and still do occasionally as I am still tied to my abuser through my children and have to watch him manipulate and turn them against me while he plays the victim. Some days I even wish I had stayed longer to try and prevent his using them to hurt me. There are no good answers. All I could do during my marriage was to try to keep my focus on my children and family and be grateful that at least I had them. That helped. But I at least have a little peace of mind without being abused daily and my self esteem is returning. I also discovered that he did not destroy my soul, even though it felt like it. Yes, I am damaged, but even damaged I am a better person than he’ll ever be, and can see that now. I often wonder why God doesn’t give me back my health so I can do more for others and be more useful to him, and I think that it is the hardest part. Just try to remember that it is your exceptional qualities that drew your abuser to you and that is who you really are. My heart goes out to you. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk to someone who understands. After all the wonderful and lifesaving information you posted for others, you at the very least deserve someone to be there for you. Thank you so much for all the good you have done for me and others! I wish you hope and miracles. Warmly, Karen

  17. You said it yourself. You are your own best advocate. I hope you will give to yourself what you provide to others. I ache to see you have nothing positive to report. But you do, honestly. You have chosen to take a stand for your children. You are giving the ultimate love–one that sacrifices self for the sake of the helpless. Gandhi, Dr. King–they took blows so that others wouldn’t have to feel pain. I wish you a good happy place inside your heart where no one can hurt you. Please stay connected.

    Ramona

  18. Dear Lilly Hope,

    I hope I don’t offend you or anyone here by what I am about to share.

    Do you realize how strong and amazing you are in choosing to stay in the situation you are for the sake of your children?

    PLEASE KNOW that I am not saying anyone should or shouldn’t leave their traumatic situation. I am of the belief that each of us needs to do what we feel is the best for us even if others disagree, shame us, belittle us, etc.

    I am not a religious person, so I don’t know if this is a quote from the Bible, but here goes: “No greater love is there that a man [woman] lay down her life for another.”. (Forgive me if that is incorrect.).

    You are choosing to do the exact opposite of what was outrageously done to you as a child with your children. You are choosing to sacrifice yourself for love of them. With everything you have unbelievably endured, I am in awe of your courage, love and dedication. I imagine that perhaps you may not “feel” or “think” similarly, especially because you are once again in the midst of a great amount of pain, in hell.

    I hope that even in the midst of the hell you’re in that you see the Bright Light and Love that you are to your children and to those of us here whom you have blessed with your honesty and vulnerability.

    Peace to you always!

  19. Lilly, I just found your blog today and have been reading it for the last several hours. My heart goes out to you as a fellow survivor. So even though you have taken a break from blogging, please know that your blogs and the responses people have posted, are continuing to help, to heal, to provide another piece to the puzzle in this journey to a better place. From you today I learned, for the first time, that my husband who left me almost 6 years ago was a narc and happily used my CPSTD to twist everything he was doing to me around to make it my fault. Today is the first day I have been able to believe that the divorce wasn’t ALL my fault. The other thing I learned from you today is that my emotional triggers can be useful in the present. Of course I need to assess them, but they can also have relevance. This gives me hope that one day I can more consistently believe in myself. I am sharing this because I want you to know that you are still helping people, even without blogging and I am also sharing this so that my discoveries might resonate with some other reader with CPTSD and they will be helped in some small way.
    -Sending you love and hope.
    EJay

  20. No situation tho incredibly painful as it feels, is hopeless…I found you to find hope, empathy, compassion, understanding…I too, like you cannot just “leave” the situation if its that bad. I have a 10 yr old son that needs protecting, like you are protecting your children. We have the insight to look 10 steps ahead living like we do and because you have no hope does not mean that the information you have provided is now meaningless. By whos standards did you “fail” I do not see failure, I see survivor, endurer, a mother bear protecting her babies. I have complex ptsd, live with a narcissist, have endured all manner of horrible childhood abuses from a very young age…so, we cant leave…death is not an option because we have our children that need us, but we are not alone in circumstances, if we have internet, we can talk to others whose lives mirrors ours and have valudation that we are not what the abusers in our lives label us. You have not failed because you cannot offer hope at this time in your life…is it really our jobs to offer what we ourselves need very badly?? I too am disabled and suffering from environmental toxic building along with the obvious or I would not be reaching out. You owe nobody an explaination, especially ignorant people who would not last 1 second in our shoes….they would not last a day. Do not give up writing if you can avoid that because if our ultimate pain brings insight and shines light to those who listen and can help or educate someone just starting a healing journey or simply learn empathy and compassion for others, if you reach just one person…you have not failed. There are many of us survivors out there, we never truly are alone and circumstances can change in an instant! We lose sight of that in the dark fog of life we trudge through…we hang on to even in a small way defend ourselves just once, stand up for ourselves just once, even in the hardest of circumstances we have to suffer through, growth is in its smallest measurement…possible. Do not give up…when we meet roadblocks, minutely no matter how tiny a change, do one little thing…if you cant…then sit on the roadblock and wait because someone who knows exactlly what your coping with every single day, will come sit by you…we may not be able to do anymore than that, just sit with you so you know and feel your not alone in this battle. Come sit on my roadblock with me, if you cant I will sit by you on yours- Ivy

  21. I too have suffered abuse — and just knowing that there is someone else out there, gives me strength and validation to keep pushing. Trying. Know that your not alone either. You can beat this…
    I am also very unwell, but if if i have to go down, i’m going down swinging. Fight! Get angry and refuse to let the abusers win. I know you must be so tired. But what is that line… ‘God never gives us more than he believes we can handle’ …. You must be a badass to still be present online for all of us going through hell too.
    Thank you so much for your dedication, and trust in humanity — after everything you must have gone through!

  22. Thank you everyone – your kindness, empathy and compassion mean more to me than you know.
    Please also have all these for yourselves too.
    We all need them.
    Much love, Lilly 💙💜💙💜💙

  23. I just found your wonderful blog tonight – Christmas Night 2017. I was doing some research for yet another psych appointment tomorrow. I’m desperately trying to find a job that I can keep and also keep the other shambles I’ve managed to assemble into what I call my life – trying to “fix myself”. Thank you SO much for sharing your struggles and giving us strength. You are very inspiring. You are kinda like my own personal William Wallace (Braveheart) right now. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

  24. Hello Lilli, I am very glad to meet you. I just found you today. I too have cPTSD. I am married with 3 teenaged kids. Im crying as I write this because i realize that you hurt and so I feel less alone and all of that is fucked up. My hips are killing me they are so tight!!! Oh, I understand If you want to stop writing as self care is the most crucial and hardest thing for us to do and I also want you to know if you keep writing I will keep reading. It helps so much to know I am not alone. My husband and I are starting counseling soon and I hope it works otherwise it will be over. I won’t say my husband is abusive because I have cPTSD to be certain of and that is too scary he also helps me greatly since I have been unable to work for years. However, his and my lack of understanding of cPTSD has retriggered me more times than I can ever count. He is also ex-Ctholic so has some amount of ptsd!! (lol!!!!!!!) I don’t know if I can be in relationships because I am just constantly triggered. Anyway, you aint alone and I’d be honored to share this journey with you. Thank you so much for all you have already done with this page and all you are doing by parenting and loving your babies. Goddess bless us all.

  25. I haven’t had a chance to read much of the site but too have PTSD and want to say it may well be the time for a different therapist if she only responds to positive input. It smacks of CBT to me. I truly hope you have a proper trauma specialist to help you who understandings the toxic imprisonment of hiding pain from trauma and the bravery needed to discuss the reality of the present moment and when dealing with PTSD, the past. Which is present. That’s the point. Even when things are impossible there is a second way and I hope you find it and find those who can help you there.

  26. Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate all the thoughtful and compassionate messages.
    It gives me some hope and for that I gave much gratitude.
    Love, Lilly 💜💜💜

    • I just found your blog, I can’t stop reading it! Everything you say is what I go through but struggle to find words for. You have given me a voice, I’m not crazy after all, CPTSD is real!! I’m learning so much from you, I have a sense of relief for the first time today. Your blog is like a protective blanket for me right now. Thankyou for putting your heart and soul and mind here to help others. Sending you so much love right now that you find some much needed relief. Take all the time you need, there is no rush, we will all be here for you!

  27. Lilly, I almost never comment on blogs because I feel like no one cares what I have to say anyway. But I wanted you to know that I have run across many of your blog posts and they have all struck a chord with me. I’m struggling to make sense of my life and feel so isolated and alone. Your words help me to feel like I am not so alone, not the only one going thru this crap. It helps me to know someone out there understands what I am going through, though I am sad that anyone else has. I can’t stay with him and I can’t leave him. I am afraid of him now, but more afraid of him if I get away., so I stay. It’s a horrible thing to be stuck. I had a counselor who I felt kept shaming me for not leaving. Telling me I must enjoy it, it must be a game to me, it just hasn’t gotten bad enough for me yet. I finally decided to find a new counselor, who I have been seeing for a month now, she helps me to see through his lies and manipulation and builds me up and is helping to empower me to become strong enough to leave hopefully soon. Please don’t give up. He has tried for 27 years to make me into something I am not, a person I hate. I’m struggling to find the real person inside of me. I get a few glimpses and I think I like her. Please keep writing.

  28. Hi Lilly, I’m so sorry you are going through this and that your counsellor is not only being unsupportive, but quite detrimental. Forgive me if you are already familiar with Lundy Bancroft, but he wrote an excellent book called “Why Does He Do That?” It really explains the mentality and tactics of abuse, without making any decisions or recommendations on what you “should” do.

    He specifically says that decision is completely up to the abused spouse as only they know their situation well enough to make that call. However, I think you’ll find the information in the book enormously helpful, even though staying, as it can help you recognize the tactics and not let as much of it get through. I found it incredibly helpful, and the abusive people in my life weren’t even a partner, but a parent and adult sibling.

    Hope it helps, and again, I’m very sorry for what you are having to live through.

  29. Dear Lilly,

    I just discovered your website and blog in the last few days. It has been so helpful for me, a lifeline. I feel like the PTSD has got worse. I really need to get treatment. What has made it even harder is that after 30 years of knowing God, my faith has been hit so hard. It was really helpful to see your post referring to your faith. I need to see others still believing in the midst of it all. I have passed on your website link to my daughter who is also suffering PTSD from the event that happened to us. You give so much useful information. I very much value and appreciate it. Thank you.

    I am so sorry things have been so hard that you didn’t want to blog any more. As soon as you are able, I do hope you will find the strength to blog again. Thank you for helping so many.

  30. Hi Lilly,

    I feel compelled to write you and tell you that even if you never blogged again, you have done more good for people than most will do in a lifetime. I personally have learned so much from all of your research and your blogging. When I found your website, I felt like it just covered my shaking self like a warm blanket of truths. Each thing I read made me know that I am not alone living with these PTSD issues that greatly effect my life, daily.
    Take a break, feel no pressure, but please know you do have so much to offer and all that you have offered so far has been good and worthy and brave and honest. You do walk the straight path of honesty and that has big rewards….one huge one being that you are a person of INTEGRITY. That has great value.