Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

No Idea What A Healthy Intimate Relationship Feels Like…. And Probably Never Will


Something I have realised, is I have no idea what a healthy relationship with a man looks like, or feels like.

Sad. But, true.

My intimate relationships have all been with abusive men.

I don’t know anything else.

My mother made sure I was truly fucked up by men since being a little child.

My first sexual ‘experience’ (I remember) was a paedophile and hard core porn at around 9 years old.

After that – it was abuse, abuse, abuse.

So sad.

And all the self harm that goes with this – emotionally. sexually, physically is beyond painful.

And I know if I am enduring this – there will be more like me. 

So if you are – please know I understand.

It’s horrific. And I’m not minimizing that for those who don’t choose the truth.

It’s truly horrific.

~ Lilly


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

11 thoughts on “No Idea What A Healthy Intimate Relationship Feels Like…. And Probably Never Will

  1. I hear you. ((hugs))
    I dont know what it is like either…even though I’ve more boyfriends than I can count and now I’m in my 3rd marriage…..they have not been good or healthy relationships….being used for sex or neglected is just as bad. 😦

  2. You are not alone in this situation, unfortunately. And now my ex is fucking up my daughters so they won’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Both of my daughters self-harm already (middle school age). It’s disgusting. Men like this shouldn’t be allowed to live.

  3. Lilly, I hear you and sending warm hugs. This blog came at a time when it was/is needed. With you on my computer I do not feel so alone. Thank you for all you do!!

  4. All things are possible with God. God can redeem your past. I too in my younger days used to attract all the unhealthy men who were just out for sex and to use me. Not all men are that way. After I realized I had that pattern and became more conscious of the choices I made in what types relationships I wanted to pursue, I now have a wonderful husband who respects me as a person. He encourages me in my interests and treats me like a queen. Someone once told me that if you be the right person, then you’ll find the right person.

  5. I feel just like you but I’m in an empty and loveless marriage of 45 years today actually. I never thought I would be in an emotionally empty relationship. All I was exposed as a child the first five years was so frightening I just pretended I wasn’t there. It worked for awhile but I’m a firm believer no matter what age you are if your bio mother rejected and hurt you for me anyway, I will never get over it. I have seen so many Psych I can tell you what they will ask and most times the help was worse than the abuse. I was twice hurt by the “so called” therapist thus would only see a woman. I have seen her for 30 years and it’s so sad b/c my heart and soul feels dead and she thinks I’m doing great. She talks the entire 45 min about her dog. Really? You may ask why I stay b/c I cannot start over again. I have tried to get my husband who looks to the outside world like a hero, to please come to marriage counseling with me. He says it’s all my problem and he sees no need to. I was abused for many years from 3rd grade through 7th grade by numerous men and a horrible step father. Without my brother who died in 2014 I wouldn’t have made it.

    I have no hope at all. Currently I have double pneumonia and am finally getting the right med. I have to care for myself b/c he doesn’t care at all. I think he is wanting me to make the first move and get a divorce so he looks all squeaky clean. I really am now so depressed I feel like a walking zombie being completely dead inside my very being. I pray for God to take me home and after this pneumonia stint I felt He was.

    Thank you Lilly for sharing the pain that was so hard on you in hope to help others. You have helped me so many times. I pray God will carry us both far away from this maddening world.

    • Shannon, you are heard, supported and loved by many of us who have lived somewhat a life like yours. Your story rings loudly for me, especially the piece about him being squeekie clean no matter what he does. My family, totally support him so thoroughly that it is laughable. But I’m not laughing! My father wanted to buy my house, give it to me only if he would live here, too. I could go on and on but you know what I’m talking about. I had to force him to leave as he threatened my life. It was not easy but here I am free and more to the point, alive!!

  6. Thank you to all who have commented.

    I’m so numb and overwhelmed – I’m not in a place to be giving advice and I don’t even have the words at the moment to be of help to anyone.

    I’m so sorry. I normally can offer words of empathy and compassion.

    But I feel nothing but numbness or fear.

    I wish I was doing better – to help others.


    • Lilly, don’t you know that what you wrote was more than enough help to all of us? Your words are powerful. We read your words, the impact of which gives us strength And love to know we are definitely not alone in which is really “hell on earth”. WE are not alone there you are with us and lead us to the most important place in the world. “love of self”. My humble thank you, Lilly!

      • I agree 100% with Ann Drake!!

        Every single thing that Lilly writes provides a life line of insight, feeling heard, and valued.

        I would be completely lost and alone without this blog.

      • Me, too!! Not a lot of people know the severe end of PTSD. Lily certainly does even when she has nothing to say. Just her being here gives me so, so much. We do not want to force her in anyway because we know what it is like to be forced. So soak up our love and know we are doing what we can which is alright right now. Hang in there knowing you are loved, Lily!!