Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I’ve Only Ever Had A ‘Role’ – In Other People’s Lives ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 Comments

Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.

When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.

It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.

People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.

People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.

I’m past caring now. It is what it is.

I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.

I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me.

It’s how it’s always been.

It’s clear that will never change.

So I either fake it all. Be who they want me to be. Or withdraw completely.

That’s my choices.

As always.

And there’s never any choice that doesn’t mean I am completely alone – emotionally.

My soul has always been alone.

The terminal aloneness……….. continues.

– Lilly

😔

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “I’ve Only Ever Had A ‘Role’ – In Other People’s Lives ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

  1. I know what you mean. I am so sorry. You certainly deserve better, as much as you give.

  2. I could have written this myself. In my opinion, these people are just as abusive as my ex-partner in that they ignore, dismiss, minimize and deny my negative emotions because of their own issues. They won’t have anything to do with me until I go away and come back with a fake happy face. They insist my emotions are inappropriate and exaggerated and refuse to support me. I’m breaking a rule whenever my emotions are on display. It’s no one’s business so suck it up and get over it and pretend everything is ok. I’ve played along and behaved as they wanted for 39 years but I refuse to do so any longer. I didn’t know I was being abused by my significant other of 20 years until he suddenly abandoned me eight months ago. In search of answers, I learned that he had been psychologically abusive or playing tricks on me as I like to call it. Gaslighting, playing the victim, distorting the truth, withholding information, and isolation were his favorite tools and I had no idea he was being dishonest and purposeful in altering my reality so he could behave badly. He wanted his cake and no one was going to stop him from eating it too. He played on my sympathies and vulnerabilities to achieve his goals until I was no longer of use. I don’t remember consenting or being asked if I wanted to play. I had no choice and once I began questioning him he simply disappeared leaving me in a state of shock with even more questions. I replay the trauma over and over again, every single day. I’ve never had much choice because those people who prefer I cooperate and wear a happy face taught me that I didn’t matter. They set me up for this as I was growing up and it’s why I find myself here today; all alone and in need of some serious medical intervention. I am disgusted at their rejection of me in this great time of need and will never speak to these people again. I have to walk away once and for all because they will never change. It’s up to us to let them know their behavior is abusive. The betrayal and rejection I feel is nearly unbearable and I have no need to continue these fake relationships with people who basically tell me I don’t matter. It is up to them to acknowledge, apologize and change their abusive behaviors if they ever want me in their presence again. They know exactly why we hurt but pretend they don’t understand. It’s wrong and it’s incredibly hurtful to find yourself surrounded by this type of people. Don’t engage to keep them happy while getting nothing in return but more misery. You deserve better. We deserve better. Enough is enough.