Hypervigilance and the ability to discern people’s behaviours and thinking…. has it’s uses. But, it also makes it very clear to me when people are pushing me away. When people are avoiding me. When people would rather I just went to someone else.
When this is your support network and it’s a time when it’s vital to have support – it hurts.
It really hurts. It makes me shut down. It makes me withdraw from everyone. I know I’m doing it. I know it’s considered a maladaptive coping strategy.
People say you ‘must rely on your support network when things are really dire’. And then when I do – they push you away.
People are okay when you are supporting ‘them’ ….. or stroking ‘their’ ego ….. or making ‘them’ feel good about ‘themselves’. But, it’s always a one way street.
I’m past caring now. It is what it is.
I’m just going to fake being okay from now on. It’s all anyone wants to see. No-one has ever wanted the real me. Just what they can take ‘from’ me.
I’ve always had a role in people’s lives. A role I have to play for them. And when I don’t – that’s when I see the real motivations surface. Their real feelings about me.
It’s how it’s always been.
It’s clear that will never change.
So I either fake it all. Be who they want me to be. Or withdraw completely.
That’s my choices.
And there’s never any choice that doesn’t mean I am completely alone – emotionally.
My soul has always been alone.
The terminal aloneness……….. continues.
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