Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Beyond Broken

8 Comments

Recent events have confirmed that I trust the wrong people, I have a lifelong habit of ignoring red flags in people’s behaviour and I believe people who claim to care – but don’t.

I will never repeat these patterns again…………. because I will never talk to anyone about my trauma and never trust anyone again.

I’ve tried.

I’ve tried to trust people who are meant to be trustworthy.

I’m too ill to keep being hurt. To keep being let down. To keep having people fail me when I really need help the most.Β 

If you never talk to anyone about your trauma – they can’t use it to harm you.

If you never trust anyone – they can’t let you down.

Not advice I believe is for everyone.

But, for me….. it’s necessary.

I clearly cannot find the right people to trust, and I am too ill and too broken to ever try again.

I am so broken down, I fear I will never recover.

My health is deteriorating week by week and my life issues continue to worsen.

I am beyond broken.

Lilly

 

 

 

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

8 thoughts on “Beyond Broken

  1. I am always astounded at your ability to put my truth into words. It’s so fitting when you say you will not trust nor share again to people who let you down again and again. The words “I’ve tried” truly fit for me and I imagine for so many others. I stand in your strength and light…thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

  2. Don’t give up hope Lilly, I’m praying for you

  3. Lily, without knowing the details of your health and other stuff, that I don’t want to minimize. Each of us who follow you for inspiration can relate to those challenges, one after another. I don’t know if I can swear on here so I won’t πŸ˜‰, but to all those that betray our trust and are unworthy I say a flippant GFYS. At 45, I’ve learned, like you, I deserve only kindred worthy people. It’s ok to be guarded with your tender sacred self in your private life. I have found that the worthy will be there someday when you’re prepared to receive them. You have told your story to the world for us to be inspired and supported. I am grateful for you and your endurance, bravery and generosity to do so. I’m glad you didn’t need our trust to do it (because this is to the anonymous world), or I would not have the insight, information, connection and support that I have thru you. At this low time, I invite you to remeber how many times you’ve felt defeated and rose again to greatness. THE PHOENIX WILL AGAIN RISE TO SOAR ON GREAT WINGS OF FIRE. You are a great Woman. Thank you for all you do for us. πŸ’–

  4. Sorry you are feeling down, Lilly. Have you checked to see whether there is a Celebrate Recovery group in your area? If not, I recommend you do so. In my recovery process I found a lot of support attending CR groups.

  5. Lilly, you are beautiful… hugs.

  6. Lily. It’s a cruel world out there. People use and abuse, even when they consider themselves caring people, they do not understand, or cannot be bothered to give you the time and effort needed. It’s a lonely place, I’ve lost some beautiful people, but also lost a lot where when I look from a distance do/did not deserve my love & attention, even if they are close family, they have to be blocked from your inner sanctum, to deal with from the surface.
    However it’s handled, lose Em, leave Em, block Em. It’s a lonely place.
    Good luck to you sharing your inner self, I believe it does help others to realise it’s not just their sole behavior and therefore their failure.

  7. Oh Lilly I hear you and want to scream about it all.

    It strikes me as such an unfair bind. For me, I have sometimes thought it’s like being a burn victim and genuinely needing human healing touch –but when touched, it keeps being injurious! That’s REAL! I have found it infuriating when someone has put the burden on me to just try more or hope more….when doing those things has brought more injury…I have needed someone to acknowledge the REALITY that sometimes when one “needs to open up” one still gets injured worse. I have needed (wanted) someone to acknowledge just the REALITY of that, for what it is. That it is appropriate to be rendered unable to try again and how scary that has felt to me when I felt like “i know i haaave to try in order for anything good to come in” – I have needed/wanted someone to acknowledge that this has been an impossible bind and just let me breathe on that and feel it for what it is while it’s what I’m experiencing – without trying to make it into something else. I actually needed support to be entitled to feel this, just what it is, because it’s not freaking easy or fun to feel and experience it but it’s REAL.

    I dunno if this made any sense to anyone else but – sending a hug, if that’s ok.

  8. Lily, I only just found your website and I just want to say, thank you for your vulnerability and sharing. Here I am, in the middle of the night trying to find God’s answers for me, after around 9 years of botched, traumatic cancer treatment that seems to have left me chronically incapacitated with PTSD and unwilling to look to the untrustworthy medical profession for help, though I’m very aware that I’m falling apart and should be looking for help somewhere. I don’t know where you’re at now, mentally, given I’ve just arrived at your website, but please don’t give up. Your brokenness is what has allowed God’s light to shine through and into my circumstances. I hope I will sleep better tonight, having found someone out there who understands about chronic anxiety,
    hypervigilence and muscle tension and sheer emotional pain that goes on and on. I have been feeling so alone. Thank you. God’s got you and me, though answers and healing come so much more slowly than we want