My mother was complicit in the sexual abuse I endured throughout the first 20 years of my life. She knew it was happening. She did nothing to stop it. She encouraged me to be nice to the paedophile and psychopath.
To cut a long story short – a few years ago I tried to talk to my counsellor about my husband manipulating me into sex I did not want. I told her he bought alcohol to coerce me. During this conversation – my counsellor offered no support. She didn’t explain to me this was sexual abuse. She said nothing and did nothing. And she never raised it again.
Since this conversation – she has repeatedly encouraged me to be nice to my (sociopath rapist) husband. She’s insinuated that if I don’t feel sorry for him and be nice to him – I’m the problem.
Over the last few months – after reading about sexual coercion – I came to realise myself – I had been sexually abused for over a decade by my husband. I read how if a woman does not want sex and the partner coerces her via alcohol, emotional manipulation, making the woman feel like she owes her husband sex, and basically abusing her into sex – when she clearly does not want it – this is sexual coercion and is sexual abuse.
I told my counsellor what I had learned. She admitted she knew all this. She agreed my husband had in fact been raping me. She has even admitted my husband has very high level traits of sociopathy and narcissism.
However, when I asked her what she thought of a man who could sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor – and cause her physical pain in the process and still continue on enjoying himself – she described this as him being ‘self focussed’. That’s it. Self focussed. Not a bastard, or a rapist, or evil or anything appropriate for such a heinous human being choosing to heinously abuse his wife knowing the decades of abuse she’s been though. Nope. She likes to minimize and trivialise rape – to nothing more than being ‘self focussed’. I’ve already had a it confirmed that this is a very concerning deficit of empathy and far removed from reality.
This has broken me completely.
I cannot even describe how painful this is.
I can’t put into words just how deep this betrayal is.
I told her at my last appointment – I may have had this fantasy of her being my mother in the past – because I have wrongly believed she cared about me. But, I’m so glad she’s not my mother.
I already had one mother who knew I was being sexually abused and allowed it to happen, did nothing to help me and encouraged me to be nice to my rapist abusers. I don’t need another mother doing the same.
She sat there – defensive and cold as ice. No compassion. No empathy. No willingness to admit she’s wrong. No understanding at all of the harm she’s caused.
She also stuck the knife in a bit more – by responding to me saying my husband should be in prison – by telling me I’m wrong – as sociopaths and rapists shouldn’t go to prison – because it doesn’t change them. She couldn’t even let me just have the opinion that rapists should go to prison. So according to her – evil people should just be allowed to be free, carry on harming people, raping people. Even after agreeing with me that evil is people who deliberately cause harm and enjoy it and have no conscience or remorse. She admits that’s evil. She admits that’s what my husband is. But she doesn’t believe they should have any consequences.
After all – what they do is no big deal. They are merely being ‘self focussed’. Evil is nothing more than being self focussed.
And she completely refused to allow me to say she’s wrong, or how much she has hurt me in doing this.
This is why she has tried to get me not to go to the police about my husband. Not to get a DVO. She doesn’t believe rapists and abusers should have consequences.
I spend 6 years talking to this woman about everything in my life. All the heinous abuse. All the pain. All the suffering.
This was a woman I supposed to be able to trust. A woman who should allow me to deal with all my emotions and feelings about those who have heinously abused me.
This is why she has always minimized and trivialised abuse and abusers.
Oh and just to twist that knife a little more – apparently because I ‘allowed’ abusers to abuse me for so long – it’s my own fault too.
Because of ‘my past’ where I was groomed by my own mother into being abused, and having been abused my whole life and not knowing anything better – it’s my own fault my sociopath rapist husband was abusing me for 18 years.
And she told my husband that it was my fault, because of my past. Apparently because of my severe trauma history – that gave my husband the green light to abuse me. And because I didn’t stop him………. it’s my own fault.
She told my sociopath rapist husband – it was ‘my’ fault. What ‘he’ did was ‘my’ fault.
He used my vulnerability and my past to be able to abuse me. He knew I was a sexual abuse survivor and he chose to rape me…………. and my counsellor told him this was my fault.
I will never recover from this.
This is most painful betrayal and abuse I’ve endured since my mother.
If it weren’t for my children, I would kill myself.
I will never talk to another person again about the abuse.
I will never trust anyone again.
I can’t even begin to explain how painful this is.
Edit to this post………..
I have discussed all this at length with my counsellor. She admitted she made big mistakes in how she dealt with this. She agrees my husband is a sociopath and a rapist. And that she should have talked more with me about his sexual and psychological abuse – back when she found out that he was coercing me into unwanted sex.
I’ve told her she dealt with it badly and she has admitted she did.
She has also confirmed – she did not tell my husband the sexual abuse he did – was my fault. And it is in no way my fault. His choices – are his own and he chooses to have no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame and be a sex abuser.
My counsellor and I have sorted through all this and we are in a better place. But this was trauma for me to deal with. And it’s taken it’s toll on my trust in her.