Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The Day I Realised My Counsellor Is No Better Than My Heinous Mother

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My mother was complicit in the sexual abuse I endured throughout the first 20 years of my life. She knew it was happening. She did nothing to stop it. She encouraged me to be nice to the paedophile and psychopath.

To cut a long story short – a few years ago I tried to talk to my counsellor about my husband manipulating me into sex I did not want. I told her he bought alcohol to coerce me. During this conversation – my counsellor offered no support. She didn’t explain to me this was sexual abuse. She said nothing and did nothing. And she never raised it again.

Since this conversation – she has repeatedly encouraged me to be nice to my (sociopath rapist) husband. She’s insinuated that if I don’t feel sorry for him and be nice to him – I’m the problem.

Over the last few months – after reading about sexual coercion – I came to realise myself – I had been sexually abused for over a decade by my husband. I read how if a woman does not want sex and the partner coerces her via alcohol, emotional manipulation, making the woman feel like she owes her husband sex, and basically abusing her into sex – when she clearly does not want it – this is sexual coercion and is sexual abuse.

I told my counsellor what I had learned. She admitted she knew all this. She agreed my husband had in fact been raping me. She has even admitted my husband has very high level traits of sociopathy and narcissism.

However, when I asked her what she thought of a man who could sexually abuse a sexual abuse survivor – and cause her physical pain in the process and still continue on enjoying himself – she described this as him being ‘self focussed’. That’s it. Self focussed. Not a bastard, or a rapist, or evil or anything appropriate for such a heinous human being choosing to heinously abuse his wife knowing the decades of abuse she’s been though. Nope. She likes to minimize and trivialise rape – to nothing more than being ‘self focussed’. I’ve already had a it confirmed that this is a very concerning deficit of empathy and far removed from reality.

This has broken me completely.

I cannot even describe how painful this is.

I can’t put into words just how deep this betrayal is.

I told her at my last appointment – I may have had this fantasy of her being my mother in the past – because I have wrongly believed she cared about me. But, I’m so glad she’s not my mother.

I already had one mother who knew I was being sexually abused and allowed it to happen, did nothing to help me and encouraged me to be nice to my rapist abusers. I don’t need another mother doing the same.

She sat there – defensive and cold as ice. No compassion. No empathy. No willingness to admit she’s wrong. No understanding at all of the harm she’s caused.

She also stuck the knife in a bit more – by responding to me saying my husband should be in prison – by telling me I’m wrong – as sociopaths and rapists shouldn’t go to prison – because it doesn’t change them. She couldn’t even let me just have the opinion that rapists should go to prison. So according to her – evil people should just be allowed to be free, carry on harming people, raping people. Even after agreeing with me that evil is people who deliberately cause harm and enjoy it and have no conscience or remorse. She admits that’s evil. She admits that’s what my husband is. But she doesn’t believe they should have any consequences.

After all – what they do is no big deal. They are merely being ‘self focussed’. Evil is nothing more than being self focussed.

And she completely refused to allow me to say she’s wrong, or how much she has hurt me in doing this.

This is why she has tried to get me not to go to the police about my husband. Not to get a DVO. She doesn’t believe rapists and abusers should have consequences.

I spend 6 years talking to this woman about everything in my life. All the heinous abuse. All the pain. All the suffering.

This was a woman I supposed to be able to trust. A woman who should allow me to deal with all my emotions and feelings about those who have heinously abused me.

This is why she has always minimized and trivialised abuse and abusers.

Oh and just to twist that knife a little more – apparently because I ‘allowed’ abusers to abuse me for so long – it’s my own fault too.

Because of ‘my past’ where I was groomed by my own mother into being abused, and having been abused my whole life and not knowing anything better – it’s my own fault my sociopath rapist husband was abusing me for 18 years. 

And she told my husband that it was my fault, because of my past. Apparently because of my severe trauma history – that gave my husband the green light to abuse me. And because I didn’t stop him………. it’s my own fault.

She told my sociopath rapist husband – it was ‘my’ fault. What ‘he’ did was ‘my’ fault.

He used my vulnerability and my past to be able to abuse me. He knew I was a sexual abuse survivor and he chose to rape me…………. and my counsellor told him this was my fault.

I will never recover from this. 

This is most painful betrayal and abuse I’ve endured since my mother.

If it weren’t for my children, I would kill myself.

I will never talk to another person again about the abuse.

I will never trust anyone again.

I can’t even begin to explain how painful this is.

Lilly

 

Edit to this post………..

I have discussed all this at length with my counsellor. She admitted she made big mistakes in how she dealt with this. She agrees my husband is a sociopath and a rapist. And that she should have talked more with me about his sexual and psychological abuse – back when she found out that he was coercing me into unwanted sex.

I’ve told her she dealt with it badly and she has admitted she did.

She has also confirmed – she did not tell my husband the sexual abuse he did – was my fault. And it is in no way my fault. His choices – are his own and he chooses to have no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame and be a sex abuser. 

My counsellor and I have sorted through all this and we are in a better place. But this was trauma for me to deal with. And it’s taken it’s toll on my trust in her. 

 

 

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “The Day I Realised My Counsellor Is No Better Than My Heinous Mother

  1. Oh Love, this is just heartbreaking to read what your has done to you. That’s beyond horrible. You need to stop seeing this vile bitch. Always remember I love you to the moon and back and will always have your back. All of us on this site love you and we are all here for you. I’ve had this done to me by counsellors who were supposed to help me and by my horrible family. It is inconceivable how your counsellor could minimise abuse as nothing more than self-focused. What a BITCH!!! These evil sociopaths and rapists should never be released from prison, ever. Our abusers have to answer for everything they have ever said and done to us and receive the worst possible punishment. Hang in there Sweetheart and know I am on your side forever.

  2. I trust you Lilly, ⚘ please trust me.
    Am sending you deep deep hugs.

  3. You have offered so much help and hope to other survivors. I am so sorry you should be betrayed by your therapist. I hope you will stop seeing this totally unprofessional person, and in time find one who understands trauma and is on YOUR side, which is what you are paying for. Sending so much love and hope for you to find peace and comfort. You’ve done so much work, you deserve much better than this.

  4. Obviously what she’s done to you is horrendous. You trusted her, and she’s… I don’t even know what to call what she’s done. Neglected your safety? abused you further? I… just don’t have words.
    I found myself wondering, though: why on earth would she do this?! Ah. I wonder if she’s suffered from this kind of abuse too, and she hasn’t worked through it? I wonder if she blames herself, and therefore has to blame you, because you’re “her” in this scenario? Just a thought…

  5. From your writing above, I have the impression that your partner was also in the councelling sessions. From my experience and also from evidence based publications it is generally suggested that it is not advisable in dv situations to undertake couples counselling as there is an imbalance of power and the abuser can use what they learn about you in a negative way. They are manipulative and will try and gaslight the counsellor as well. This can cause you to question your perception and experience again, hopefully you are already seeing clearly what happened and can use what you now know as a valuable learning and find ways to create stronger boundaries around manipulative people. Be with people that lift you up and are supportive, who do see you for who you really are so that your light can shine brighter and inspire and help those who have not yet come as far in their own healing journey, put your trust in yourself and those who are worthy of your trust. There is a lot of victim blaming in the statement that you allowed this to happen to you, this is not correct, highly manipulative people will use many tactics to serve their own agendas which are designed to fool you and they elicit others in their deceit so that they can become unwitting enablers. Please know that there is strength in realising and waking up to this. Stand in your strength. It is understandable to seek justice, however some perpetrators are experts at slipping under the radar and some tactics, behaviour is hard to prove, best suggestion I was given was to go no contact, which helped enormously with my own healing and made it easier to not buy into any future potential conflict when settling seperation issues. You have the right to say No, it is one of the best words to learn. No, I will not be a part of this! This I said to myself or vocally when the situation required. Sending you love, light and happiness, and support from more informed people that understand the dynamics.