I was supposed to meet today with the female minister of the church I take my boys to. She’s a nice woman. The church seems okay. But, I just can’t talk to anyone. The anxiety I get from thinking about talking to someone and dreading their response, is overwhelming. It literally makes me ill.
I am so unwell, I cannot take anymore minimizing, abuser excusers, people invalidating my pain and projecting their opinions on me – harming me in the process. And their lack of empathy and conscience in the process.
I’ve had that all my life and I am too ill to take it anymore.
The recent issues coming to a very abrupt and traumatic end with my counsellor, has caused so much damage. It took me several years to build up to the point where I could talk about the severity of all the abuse, the toxic and heinous characters of the abusers. To have that minimized and trivialised in the manner it was by my former counsellor and the way it ended, is beyond painful.
To think of yet another person doing more of that – is not something I can ever take any chances on happening again. Especially church people. And as anyone with any intelligence knows – church people are often the worst for abusing abuse victims with their victim blaming/shaming attitudes.
I am so ill and so broken I am not in a position to take the risk of more trauma. I have to protect myself and withdraw to be safe. To cope.
It’s not what some people would suggest I should do. But, they are not me and they don’t know how fragile and how ill I am.
I’ve looked after myself all my life, and that’s what I will continue to do.