Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Cancelled My Meeting With The Church Minister – To Protect Myself


I was supposed to meet today with the female minister of the church I take my boys to.  She’s a nice woman. The church seems okay. But, I just can’t talk to anyone. The anxiety I get from thinking about talking to someone and dreading their response, is overwhelming. It literally makes me ill.

I am so unwell, I cannot take anymore minimizing, abuser excusers, people invalidating my pain and projecting their opinions on me – harming me in the process. And their lack of empathy and conscience in the process.

I’ve had that all my life and I am too ill to take it anymore.

The recent issues coming to a very abrupt and traumatic end with my counsellor, has caused so much damage. It took me several years to build up to the point where I could talk about the severity of all the abuse, the toxic and heinous characters of the abusers. To have that minimized and trivialised in the manner it was by my former counsellor and the way it ended, is beyond painful.

To think of yet another person doing more of that – is not something I can ever take any chances on happening again. Especially church people.  And as anyone with any intelligence knows – church people are often the worst for abusing abuse victims with their victim blaming/shaming attitudes.

I am so ill and so broken I am not in a position to take the risk of more trauma. I have to protect myself and withdraw to be safe. To cope.

It’s not what some people would suggest I should do. But, they are not me and they don’t know how fragile and how ill I am.

I’ve looked after myself all my life, and that’s what I will continue to do.




Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “Cancelled My Meeting With The Church Minister – To Protect Myself

  1. You are so awesome! 💗 In an attempt to not bombard you with yet more opinions, can I just say, go you!!! 🙂 “I have to protect myself” – that says it all really, doesn’t it? 🙂 I used to always ask my friend for advice on what I should do and she always said the same thing “just take care of you – keep *you* safe – you don’t ever have to explain your choices to anyone but yourself – take care of you and they can buzz off” lol

    I’m sorry you’re struggling so much – from what you shared, I’d be so unwell in that position too 😦 I can’t even imagine 😦 *listening and caring*

  2. I understand. At some point, we develop a heightened awareness to rejection, minimization and denial, to the point we avoid situations for this reason. I consider it self-preservation. We must protect ourselves, at all costs.

  3. This describes what I went through almost exactly. I want my faith back, but church people are so clueless, I just can’t deal with them anymore. My last counselor was a “pastor” who damaged me so much that my complex trauma is much worse. I trusted him and he proved to be without empathy and refused to help me with the most basic issues. He talked about his wife constantly and proved clueless about CPTSD, grief and transference. And this after being a counselor for about 30 years. I can only imagine the damage he inflicted upon so many other parishioners. I’ll never set foot in a church again. I am isolated, abandoned and depressed.

  4. I feel for you Lilly. 3 times I tried with my son and his gf. 3 times her sneaky sly actions broke my heart, the last one nearly annhilalated me and I lost my Grandaughter. They were to come to my fathers 80th birthday party, he said he was working, she videoed them, her family and my ex enjoying lunch at their house instead. My son could not find it in him to stick up for me, instead blamed me. They splash all over Facebook their fabulous adventures with and paid for by my ex-husband, my sons step-father who was horrible to him as a kid, said and did things I couldn’t forgive, but has since apologised and given full respect for it, and I’ve been accused of moods and showing off that did not occur, was perhaps depression or isolating, this even borne out by my mother, but even she wasn’t taken any notice of. I’ve just found out they’re having a second baby son. I probably won’t even get to see this baby.
    I cannot put myself in a position to be hurt again, I don’t think I’d survive.
    Keep fighting. Xx

  5. Thank you all. I do appreciate your messages and for those enduring similar – please know I do get how painful it is.

    We have to do what we need to survive.

    And for me – that includes staying away from people who cause harm – whether it be due to malicious intent, or due to a lack of understanding severe ongoing abuse and a lack of empathy.

    Other people’s issues have resulted in my health being severely damaged. I cannot risk anymore.

    It is what it is.

    Lilly 💜