I’ve been very quiet on this blog – for several reasons. It’s been a very hard 6 months and I’m still dealing with the trauma every day.
I’ve been diagnosed with Vaso Vagal Nerve Damage – caused by extreme distress – as per a cardiologist. The cardiologist knows my history and stated the domestic violence I have endured for the last 18 years – is the cause of this untreatable, irreversible nerve damage – which causes me to have orthostatic hypotension and I am unable to work. I am disabled.
My health was fine when I met my husband 18 years ago. I was working and could exercise hard. The slow insidious abuse inflicted by my husband being a sociopath and sex abuser – destroyed my health. It is the reason for my PTSD breakdown 6 years ago.
Through counselling (which my counsellor admits she has made big mistakes in at times) – I have had to understand my husband is a narcissistic sociopath – no conscience, no remorse, no guilt, no shame, exploitative, overwhelmingly selfish, pathological liar, enjoys hurting people, enjoys seeing people hurt and upset (even children) and enjoyed coercing a sexual abuse survivor – into unwanted sex.
My counsellor arranged for him to have counselling with a psychologist who specialises in sex offenders/abusers. But, before the psychologist was able to start dealing with his sex abuser issues – my husband quit counselling. She has stated what he did was sexual abuse and rape.
I now realise my ‘norm’ of being sexually abused, abused by character disturbed people – was so prolific throughout my life – that I didn’t even realise the sexual coercion was sexual abuse. This started only a few years into our relationship – as I started to realise my husband was a liar and was not the person he pretends to be. So basically, he sexually abused me via sexual coercion for about 10 years. He used alcohol, guilt tripping, emotional abuse and making my life very difficult if I didn’t give in to his demands for sex. He knew I didn’t want to. So he also knows it is coercion. He has also admitted he enjoyed sexually abusing me. He has/had zero concern for my needs, feelings or emotions. Just his perverted, toxic selfish needs. He claims it was my responsibility to stop him coercing me. But that’s 100% wrong. It was ‘his’ responsibility to stop himself coercing me. It’s never the victims fault. The sexual coercion – is 100% the perpetrators fault. And he knows I’m a severe sexual abuse survivor – so his sexual abuse to me – after all I’ve endured – is an added layer of evil and heinous abuse.
He disgust me. I am literally disgusted and repulsed by him. And that is one of the healthiest emotions I’ve had all my life. Normal people are disgusted by sexual abuse. Normal people are disgusted by sociopaths.
My counsellor also confirmed my husband (she has done some therapy with him) – is delusional. He lives in a fantasy of who he is. Like his parents. They believe they are good people – with nothing to back that up, and plenty they choose to avoid that shows they are not good people. His parents are misogynists and they raised him to treat women as sexual objects, to exploit people, to screw over your employers and others, to be delusional, to have contempt for women. But, as a grown adult – he is 100% responsible for his actions.
So all this this abuse has destroyed my health. I am struggling every day. But, I am still doing an amazing job at raising my boys, trying to set up a photography business I can do a few hours a week.
He left several months ago when I went to the police to ask for a domestic violence order – as his aggression was escalating. Him being a police officer – means of course the police dealt with it badly. He lied and lied and lied. As the cowardly pathological sociopath he is.
But, I am so much better and happier with him not being in the house. My 16 year old knows exactly what heinous being his father is. I have to tell my children what’s happened – and why it’s wrong – so they don’t end up like their father. All agreed as necessary in my counselling.
My boys and I are so much better with his toxic dark issues gone from our lives, all week – except for the few hours I allow him to see the boys, under close supervision. He will never have shared custody, or overnight access. He cannot be remotely trusted to make choices that are in my children’s best interests. He doesn’t love the boys. As my counsellor stated – he doesn’t love anyone. Sociopaths are incapable of love.
I hope and pray my health can recover a bit at some point. But, my focus is entirely on my boys, re-parenting all the toxic and abusive parenting of their father, and having as healthy and happy a family as the three of us can have.
I take it one day at a time.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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