Several months ago, whilst going through the trauma of unravelling the truth about my 18 year marriage – I realise my sociopath husband had told a whole pack of lies about his ex wife. He portrayed himself as the victim – as he is now with me. He portrayed this image of being this really great guy – with a crazy, selfish, lazy wife. I fell for it. He’s a very convincing liar. I was also the perfect victim for him to move on to. I am empathic, caring, easily manipulated. I believed his lies. The lies he told directly, the half truths, all the times he let me assume wrongly about his ex wife. He is an expert at lying and letting people believe lies.
So, being the person I am, when I realised he had lied and that his ex wife is probably a lovely person and like me, I wrote to her. I told her everything and that I believed all his lies and that she should know – I do now realise all the abuse she was also going through. I didn’t know how she would react. She responded with compassion. We had many conversations – where the truth was revealed.
I realised his lack of emotion about not seeing his daughter, was due to him just not caring. His daughter was out of sight, out of mind. He had a new victim to play with. Me. He discarded his ex wife and daughter in such a bizarre and toxic way, and he never shed a single tear. I assumed when he didn’t care about pursuing contact with his daughter in the first few years following their separation, was just him giving in to his ‘horrible ex wife’. Now I realise he didn’t care about seeing his daughter. Me pushing him to seek contact and get court orders for contact – was not what he wanted at all.
I told his ex that it was me that pushed all the contact legal action. I told her he never shed a tear over his daughter and she said she already knew that.
I also told her about all the psychological, emotional and sexual abuse to me. And I confirmed that what she endured with his financial abandonment to his daughter, was financial abuse. Plus all the affairs he had within their marriage and no doubt in mine.
We also both realise he never has/had friends and was ignorant and barely speaks around people – because he has no use for most people. He has no concept of actually thinking about others in a way that is needed for friendships. He has no emotional connection with anyone. As sociopaths don’t.
It was helpful or us both to validate each others treatment by this heinous man. We also both agreed that if he loved either of us, or our children – he would have wanted us to have been the healthiest and happiest women and parents. But, instead he destroyed us both. My health is destroyed and she has never worked since their divorce due to health issues created in their marriage.
Her words to describe him ‘wolf in sheeps clothing’. And ‘evil’. And she is 100% right. She also confirmed how selfish and toxic his parents are. I explained they are a highly narcissistic family and care about no-one bar themselves. She agreed.
We also shared that his insidious abuse is so carefully done – that we didn’t realise it was abuse – as often happens within chronic psychological and emotional abuse. I reassured her to know – there are many highly educated, successful women who get duped and abused by sociopaths and psychopaths. There is no shame in us being abused by him. The only shame that should be felt – should be by him. But he has no shame. No guilt. No remorse. No empathy. No conscience. And it’s always lies or someone else’s fault. He’s pathetic.
I also explained my counsellor has said he lives in a fantasy of who he is. Delusional beliefs – that he is a decent person, with nothing to actually back up his beliefs. And plenty to show how despicable he is.
His daughter hates him. Thank God. She has zero respect and never wants to see him or be in contact with him again. I explained my 16 year old knows his father is toxic, pathologically selfish, pathological liar and loves no-one. All his children will hate him once they become adults and understand everything.
Of course he will never admit any of this. He’s too much of coward. He will play the victim role and keep lying to everyone, including himself.
I have zero respect or compassion for him. I tried the ‘compassion road’ – getting him to go to counselling – and I got abused even more. Sociopaths never change and they never stop their toxic exploitation, lying, manipulation and severe abuse.
He’s destroyed two women’s health, robbed them of a few decades of their life, and ruined 3 children’s childhoods. All three deserved a decent, caring, loving father. And they got a perverted sociopath for a father.
Every person in a sociopaths life, is his victim. Every person believes the lies, the fake image, the delusional beliefs he has of himself. Every person is someone for him to lie to and manipulate. It’s all he knows and all he chooses.
I’m very thankful to his ex wife for reaching out, when she could of told me to fuck off. She offered compassion and support. I am very grateful for that.
She has also made a much better life for herself and her daughter. And she encouraged me to know I can too.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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